It's been a while...but I need the Brain dump.

It's been a while… But I need this. Today's one of those days, filled with indecision and massive amounts of mom guilt.

I don't think I've really cried in months, if not a year or two. But today it's one of those nights where I feel like any decision I make is the wrong one.

I've Applied for a job.

It would put me back into the teaching profession and that means not only the usual "while I'm at work" commitment but also the mass amounts of work that is needed outside of the regular required hours.

My older two sons are now 4 1/2 and will be five (FIVE!) in September. They've had almost 5 years at home with me caring for them 24/7. I really have loved every second of it: the good, the bad and the ugly.

However, my youngest will be two this August. And I feel like I'm abandoning him. He is my shadow; my heart. I don't love him anymore or less than my oldest two, but my older sons are so much more independent and able to adapt to environments without mom following them around all day long.

My shadow, he has known nothing but time with me. He still breast-feeds and even though lately he sleeps through the night almost every night he still likes to cuddle up with me in the morning for milk and snuggles.
I cannot begin to express what that time means to me. I cannot explain what seeing him grow and develop into a little human every day is like, especially after the long road we went through to have him.

For those that are new to my blog, he was my very last shot at completing our family.

He was our very last embryo.

After almost $100,000 invested (if not more) I think to myself why did I do that only to leave him behind and allow someone else to care for him while I go back to a job that
--although I love more than any other paid profession-- takes me away from all the milestones that are yet to come… milestones that I will experience for the very last time.

He is my last; The baby I never knew if I would actually hold--our last frozen embryo. One of the greatest joys of my life that I never knew if I would be lucky enough to experience.

So I sit here asking myself, "why am I giving this up?" For money? For a job that may or may not be there in a few years when he's reached the same level of independence as his older brothers?

I'm at a stand still; an impasse; where no matter what decision I choose, it's the wrong one and the right one, simultaneously.

There are pros and cons to both choices. I'm just trying to weigh how important one advantage is over another. It's a seemingly impossible task...

So here I sit, with my glass of wine feeling sorry for myself. Have three beautiful boys, an absolutely amazing husband who will support me in any decision I make. I know from talking with so many other moms (especially those who have struggled with infertility in the past) how that situation is not always commonplace.

I need help; I need guidance; I need the crystal ball to see into the future and tell me what decision is the best for me, myself and my family.

So for now, I wait to hear back from the interview committee. After all, they could tell me that I was not selected for this job. Then, the decision would be made for me. Ironically, that would be the easy way out. No decisions to be made, nothing to consider. Just a finite answer to what I should do.

But what if they call and say that I've been selected for this position… And I need to make up my mind, quickly?

What will my mom guilt tell me to do then?
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