Meeting with RE.

I'm meeting with the RE I like today at 2pm.  

Hopefully we can get some better answers on what the next steps should be moving forward.  I'm not trying this cycle.  I will be taking at least this and maybe next month off to try to regroup and get everything in order for one last whole-hearted attempt.

I'm really sad and at a loss.  I haven't written in a week because frankly, I haven't known what to say.  I feel disappointed, confused and a little cheated.

I'll update with results from my meeting with the RE later today.

Negative.

As I thought.

I have made an appointment with the RE I like on the 29th.

I need. New game plan... For the last time.

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Self preservation.

I'm leaving in two hours to drive 30-40 minutes each way to Milwaukee to have my beta drawn. Yep, at 1130 at night.
I get to have it drawn tomorrow but I don't feel like getting up at 4am before DH has to leave for work. Since I'm a night owl-- I'll go tonight at midnight (they're a 24hr lab at mke's biggest hospital). I'll know sometime tomorrow.
Not feeling very positive though. Trying to be hopeful but just don't have any good signs to believe that this has gone our way... I want this so badly.
I'm just already feeling defeated.
I've already gone though the steps of what to do next.
I know that I'm not doing the same protocol as this time.
I wish I hadn't already begun to move on to the next cycle mentally. It's just what I know.
I try not to wallow too long in something that cannot be changed.
If it's positive-- then holy crap!
I'll be super excited and totally wrong in moving ahead so fast.
But if it's not-- I'll be able to better hit the ground running.
It's self preservation.
I've cried enough. It's time to keep moving forward; time for a new game plan.

Tomorrow, I'll know for sure.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Impatient.

Man I am stressed.

And anxious. . . .

And nervous. . . .

And impatient. . . .

I'm trying to keep busy and reassure myself that it'll all work out.  I've been sneezing like crazy the last few days and that was an odd side-effect I had while pregnant last time.  I tell myself my BETA will be HUGE and that my pee-stick shall be dark.

But it's a long way off. . . Monday feels forever from now. . . and what if it's negative?  What if my sneezes are because I'm allergic to one of my meds?

I keep reminding myself that I am lucky to have these two beautiful boys already in my life; that no matter what happens, I'm already "blessed" or "have won" or whatever cliche phrase I can come up with.   But damn that's hard.   Much easier said than done.  

Mason at the Apple Farm.  Sept 2013.  ALL Rights reserved.

Chris at the Apple Farm. Sept 2013.  ALL Rights reserved. 

I think the stress of knowing these are the last two shots I have, period, are weighing on me. 

Last time I knew I had 4 embryos left, the time before 6.  And either way, I could do a fresh cycle again.  But it's just a lot of stress, money and time for us when we already have Mason and Chris.  

So it winds back to "I should be happy for what I have".  

I am.

I'm very happy.

I'm  double-y blessed.

I've won against seemingly impossible odds. 

I love theses boys more than I ever thought I could and wouldn't trade them for the world; I'm ridiculously lucky. 

But I don't feel complete. 

Major (Late) updates.

I've had a few things happen over the last week and a half.

First, the u/s I had on Friday the 4th reviled that my lining was actually 7.00mm.  (from one quick measurement by the RE I do not like. . .but you can look into previous posts for that).  

I was confused because he told me that was the cut-off.  7.00mm.  Not 8.00mm as I was told by the last RE I saw at the office.   

Lucky necklaces. 

So . . . who's right and what do I believe?

I was set up for my FET transfer date on 10.10.2013.    I of course wanted to feel like everything was fine, but at the last appointment it looked like my lining was higher?  I wasn't feeling very secure in my situation.

I called the nurse line on Wednesday 10.9 after a few days of mulling it over.  I talked at length to the nurse who seemed to not only have a large language barrier but to be more on the defensive (albeit in a nice way) for the RE's.   We finally decided it was best to discuss this further with the "Manager".  Apparently, RE's office has a manager?  I'm guessing it was the head nurse.

A couple hours later the RE I like called.  He was the one going to be doing the transfer on the 10th.  We had a good discussion.  I explained all of my concerns and confusions.  Especially about the differences in measurements and cut-off "policy" and how that is extremely confusing and seemly unorganized for patients when each doctor gives a different answer.  Especially when it appears my measurements went down and not up.  He explained that his measurements (he did three or four) were a range and that I was actually closer to 6.35mm on Wednesday the 2nd.  The other RE did one measurement and got 7.00mm.  The policy is 7.00mm or larger although my preferred RE's old office always did 7.5mm as a cut-off and he liked to be closer to that.  Whatever.  If he thought it was good enough I was going to trust him.  

I did make sure I explained how these are my last two embryos and that I'm not going through a fresh cycle again.  My last two remaining embryos are very different in quality and that this is really the last chance that looks good on paper.  He asked if I felt most comfortable waiting another month.  But I decided to proceed.  I'm putting my money down on this cycle.  Fingers and all else crossed.  I just wanted to remained him how important this is to me.  I'm not a number.  It's not just a disposable embryo to me. I feel oddly connected to this embryo as it was the one that was originally supposed to be emplaned at my last FET almost three years ago that gave me the boys. 

Lucky socks.

The fun thing about my FET date is that 10.10.2013 is EXACTLY three years (minus one day) after the egg retrieval.  (10.11.2010.)   I'm taking that to be a good sign.  The last transfer was DH's Birthday on 3.11.2011, another double number scenario.

Ritualistic "Night Before FET" veggie sushi dinner.

10.10.2013.

FET day came rather uneventfully.

I went in with my full-bladder at 1:45p.  By 2p I was back in the procedure room.  It was new, but familiar all at once.  A new office, nurses and doctors than last time but much of the process was the same.  It really is probably the easiest, and most nerve-racking part of the entire process.

We very awkward embryologist came and talked to us about our embryo (6AA).  I don't think he knew much about social cues but he pretty much told us it looked good (already hatched) and had a good chance. The nurse later came in and talked to us for a while while we waited for the RE.

There he/she is!  Our hatched 6AA embryo.  A few of my buddies and I think it looks just like a smiling goldfish cracker.  DH thinks it's a girl with a ponytail.   

Resemblance? 

Once my RE was there it went rather quickly.  They located my uterus on the u/s, cleaned the cervix with a solution the embryos seem to "like", something like a growth medium.  Then, placed the larger catheter that will guide the smaller one containing the now thawed embryo into the uterus.

The embryologist then took the embryo into the smaller catheter (we could see this on a TV screen hooked up to the microscope).  The RE placed the catheter into my uterus and the embryo was placed inside along with a bit more of what I think what the growth medium.  It 'flashed' like a bright white light on the u/s screen.  All seemed to be in the right place and the embryologist checked to make sure the embryo wasn't still inside the catheter.

That's it.  Simple and complex all at once.

I decided to lay 'flat' for another 30 minutes before I left. DH and I discussed how much faster and sudden this round has been.  Perhaps because wet don't have as much time to sit and think solely of this process.  We have two boys as a result from the last FET that keep our minds occupied.

My BETA is set for October 21st, 2013.  Another whole week from today!  How can I wait??!?!?!
Sigh. . . It'll be day 33 of this cycle.

In the meantime, I remain on 1cc of Progesterone, 6 oral estrogen pills, and 2 estrogen suppositories each day.  Plus my other pre-natal vit, iron, and folic acid.  My lower back is killing me already from all of the progesterone shots.

DH and I ordered that I stay on fairly constant bed rest for three days following the FET.  It worked last time and since the jury is still out on whether it works or not, I'm going to keep doing that.

Right now I feel pretty normal.  I had been sick with a stomach bug the days before the FET but I feel back to normal now.  I can't tell what things are preggo related (cramping, sudden mild pain) or just related to the massive hormones I'm talking.  Time will tell.

Midcycle U/S . . .part one.

Wednesday, I had the mid cycle u/s for FET #2.

I was hoping to see the RE I had last time, tell him I was a bit thrown by his obvious disregard of my individual needs a a patient and then have a vag-cam reading.  I was wanting to hear that everything looked fine and the endometrium lining was nice and "plush";  8mm+ to be exact.   However, that wasn't exactly what happened.

First, the RE I've had several times before (who has given me some doubt in the past) wasn't there that day, which was fine.  It was the new RE that I liked quite a bit that I met the day I decided to come back to this clinic.  It was almost reassuring to hear his take on things.

Here's the deal:

1. My lining fell short of the goal.  More like 7 1/3mm than 8.
2. We can reassess in 2 days.  Making the next u/s this Friday (tomorrow).
3. If I don't get the lining up to par within two days then I have to start all over again next month.

SO what did I do?

I went nutty looking over everything to find ways to increase my endometrial lining.
Some things I've tried are:

1. POM juice like it's going out of style.  I had already been drinking it at nauseoum this month since I remember it from the previous IF cycles.   Last night though I purchased 96 ounces for the local grocery store.  I don't want to drink that for quite a while again.  EAch 48 ounce bottle contains "6 servings".  Each serving has 32g of sugar. . . yep.
I've ingested approximately:

• Wednesday: 24-36 oz
• Thursday 48-56 oz
• Friday: 48 oz.

2. Ground Flax seed.  I've used ground flax along with liquid B-12, Chia seeds and flax seed oil in smoothies for the last couple days.

3. My regular pre-natal vitamins-- added a few extra chewable ones every day, plus IRON supplements-- I took three today alone.

4. Bromelain supplements. (Pineapple core) I remember reading quite a bit about how they can help with implantation so I've already been taking it for several weeks.  Last night I also read that it could possibly help with lining thickness.  Why not?

5. Raspberry Leaf tea.  I drank 2 cups tonight and will have another in the morning.  It's NOT recommended pregnant women drink Raspberry leaf tea despite it being included in various pregnancy teas.  It can cause the uterus to contract in some cases, but before pregnancy I want as much blood flow there as possible. That my two cents.

6. Rx estradiol pills up my "who-ha" twice a day.  I lay down for at least 30 minutes following . . . I often try and stretch it closer to 45 min.  The nurse recommended I do this after the underwhelming lining u/s.  I later talked to a friend of mine that said she had great success with it as well.  Right before her beautiful ID twin girls were born!


Hopefully the result of all of this is a HUGE jump in the thickness of my endometrial lining tomorrow at the u/s.  If I do, then they will schedule the FET for next week-- albeit pushed off one or two days. I'm trying to stay as positive as I can but it was very jarring to hear that I may need to put it off another month. . .

It's strange to think that despite how much I do remember about my IF journey thus far, there is so much I have already forgotten or push from my memory.  I'm glad at times like these to have my blog.  It may be much more difficult to find time to write now that I have had my two beautiful boys.  I become tired at nap time for them and pretty much mentally check-out until I awake the next morning.  My wish is that I will continue to use this, however frequent, as a place to record this crazy road we are on with the boys and with the hope of another blessing on the horizon.