I HATE my RE's office.

It's times like this when I want to leave my current RE immediately and go elsewhere.

In fact, I think I might.

Today I was told to go in early for my second beta following the e/p. The nurse said if I went in by 8am they should have no problem receiving the results by 11:30am (when they close--stupidly). The reason that she said they wanted the results TODAY was so if my numbers didn't drop (again), I would need to go in for another set of methotrexate shots at the ER today.

Well guess what. There was plenty of time for the results to come in, but no nurse checked on it or returned my phone calls to give me the f*@king information.

I am seriously pissed. I cleared my plans for the morning so I could go do that, and they don't even have the decency to follow up on what they said they would do. It's not like this is an unimportant thing.

My DH and I have been looking into other RE's. Especially since the time is coming to move onto IVF. If this wasn't the nail in the coffin for my current RE's office, I'm not sure I know what is. F you clinic. As soon as I meet my RE on Thursday, I have a feeling I'm pretty much GONE.

UPDATE:
I stand (or must sit here) at least this one time, with foot implanted in mouth. The nurse called this afternoon, although over three hours after they were supposed to--so what else could I think--they're normally closed. My RE wanted the beta to drop by 15%. Well it's 123 (I think she said), which is about 66%? Right? Anyways, I'll take that to be the first bit of good news I've gotten in a while.

Now I have to go in weekly until my number become negative. Hopefully, by next weekend.

Ectopic beta #1

Beta results from the ER last Saturday were 371.
I was hoping to at least drop a few points by today despite the fact that they said it may actually rise before it begins to drop.

Today I called my RE's office. Yesterdays beta was 375. It actually went up a few points.

Dammit.

The woman said not to worry until we see Saturdays results. Hoefully, by then it should go down. If not, then we may need to do another round of methotrexate or surgery that would be similar to a laproscopy, removing the pregancy from my tube or perhaps even part of the left tube itself.

Fun.

I go in for the beta Saturday at 8am. I hope to hear by 11 that morning.

Post e/p Beta #1

The first Beta after the ectopic pregnancy is scheduled for tomorrow.

The hope is my beta will eventually drop to zero (or less) from the methotrexate. Days 4 (tomorrow), 7 and the same for weeks following until it drops. Hopefully they will not have to give me another set of shots or do some other scary sounding thing. But that only needs to be if the numbers don't drop. So as much as I never thought it would be something I would wish for, I hope my numbers are at zero, very soon.

I have had no bleeding yet, but there is still abdominal cramping. I was prescribed some vicodin which helps a lot. But don't take two! I was trippin' out last night! Ha! A bit too much.

My DH and I are feeling like we cope better each day and are ready to get moving on. I am diving head first into all things IVF. Right now I am trying to decide if I want to change RE's or stay where I am for the time being. I cannot get in to see my current RE until August 19th, so it will be a long wait. God, I hope something good develops between now and then,

It's over.

Saturday, July, 24th, 2010.

It began as any other day.

In fact, this day I had no sign of cramping when I awoke around 9am. I ate my healthy breakfast, took my prenatal vitamins and left to go rummaging with my husband and cousins. It was a great time. Looking for kids books, toys, and clothes with them. We found some great deals--including a Grouchella doll. (Oscar's little sister--what a find!)

On the way home, I drove. I began to get slightly nauseous and the cramping began. It got progressively worse as I got closer to home. Once home, I went straight to the rest room.

Spotting. Not bright red, but dark. Alarming.

I called for my DH. I told him.

We laid in bed together wondering what to do. What did it mean???

I've heard talk of cramping and spotting being totally normal and plenty of women go on to deliver normal, healthy babies. But I did not have the same start as many women.

I called my RE. He was not in since it was the weekend, but the other RE was on call. He called me back and basically told me that it could be totally normal and to come see him at 9:30am tomorrow at his office. However, if it got worse, bleeding increased, or if the pain localized to one side, go to the ER.

I laid, sat, and stood around for over an hour. I couldn't sleep. I didn't know what was going on, what do I do?!?!

I finally realized that I could just sit around all day and night wondering--allowing the pain to get worse.

We headed to he ER. Once we got there, they took my vitals and asked a few questions. But I still had to wait.
The waiting room was FULL of weirdos. I mean, FULL. People complaining that they had been there forever, yada, yada, yada.

I was thirsty, but I couldn't drink ANYTHING. They wouldn't let me. I had nothing with me. Not even my magical iphone. My DH had to rub my back, but it was becoming too much. I needed to get in.
We became buddies with the nurse--by being nice--go figure. They took me back to draw an unbelievable amount of blood for testing. AT LEAST 7 of those bottles. Then, it was back out to wait.

DH asked if I could have some pain meds, it pushed us up on the wait. After about an hour, I was in. Room #15, awaiting some answers.

The nurse practitioner came in. She explained a few things and gave me a "wonderful" pelvic exam. She was looking to see if my cervix was open--implying that I was miscarrying. It was closed. Good news.

Then, she insisted that I had to put in a catheter. I HATE CATHETERS. Let me say that again-- I HATE CATHETERS. They needed to use it so they could fill my bladder with a fluid during the ultrasound (u/s) I was about to have. Bah!

I was wheeled up to radiology into a small room. DH stayed with me and held my hand as they filled my bladder with a clear, cold, fluid. WIERD feeling. This allowed her to see the embryo on the screen since my full-bladder would push up the uterus.

She was pressing really hard on my ute. WITH A FULL BLADDER! SUCKY!!! She says something like, "Oh, did you know you have an inverted uterus?" WHAT? Seriously. WTF does that mean??? "Did you ever have cysts?" WHAT????!!! Lady! I'm stressed enough!
It went on for what seemed like hours. She had to of taken at least 50-75 photos.
Then-- the worst came. She put the dildo cam in my lady part! YES! With the catheter still IN!!!
It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. It hurt the worst on the right side--I think because that's where the catheter was laying. I couldn't keep track of time. DH thinks it lasted at least 15-20 minutes. What are they seriously going to do with all of those photos???

They took me back to go 'ol room #15. I had two IV's put in. (One which they never used, the other only put one bag of saline fluid in--pointless).

We waited.

And waited.

Finally, the nurse practitioner came in. "It's ectopic." She says.

After that, I can't remember much else. DH asked if it was for sure. She said it was on my left side. Then, she left. She dropped a bomb on us and left.

All we could do was just cry. We held each other and cried. What else could we do?

A young OB came in with a med student. She looked fresh out of med school. They were in charge of my care for the rest of our time. It was now after 10pm. They explained that right now it sounded like we had a few options:
1. A laparoscopy.
2. A suction procedure--not my preference.
3. A pill, methotrexate.

They then called the RE on call to see what he thought was best based on my results. My BETA was only at a level of 300-something. Not what it should be for over 5 weeks. It told us that even if we didn't try to end the pregnancy, it might have dissolved on it's own. But the risk of my fallopian tube rupturing was far too great.

When they returned, the 12-year old doctor, and the tiny mute med student along her side, they explained that the RE thought the best solution was the methotrexate. It is a chemo drug used to stop cells from dividing. Hopefully then, the pregnancy would end over the next week or two, with a AF-like bleed. They would need to check my beta levels day 4 and 7 of each week until it came back down to zero.

We agreed.

We said goodbye to our little one we had only known for a few weeks, but would remember forever.

Two ladies came in wearing full body protectant aprons. Holding a hazard bag filled with two glowing syringes of yellow liquid. WHAT?!?!? I THOUGHT THIS WAS A PILL? Don't get me wrong, I'm fine with needle shots. I took plenty with all the IF craziness. It was just a sudden change I wasn't told of. And at that point I was NOT up for anymore sudden changes.

But I took both shots. In the rear. Trying to make light of it. Telling each nurse to enjoy the view. Yes, each nurse took a needle and both shots in my ass at the same time. LOL. Seriously, that was kinda funny.

We left the hospital a few minutes after midnight.

The feeling of emptiness, like we now had less than we came in with was overwhelming.

Went headed to Walgreens to pick up the medication I had been prescribed for pain. It was late, I was still in some pain. But we made it. Back home.

It felt strange. All the books we had bought, the pages printed from the internet, now, didn't matter.

SLEEP.




July, 25th, 2010.

I met with the RE on call.

To make this story much shorter, basically I might have PCOS still, I might have an issue with the left tube being blocked, I might have tubes that don't push the embryos down into my uterus, and we can't try again for at least a few months.

So WTF do I do now? Where is my bit of good news?

Our plan is to get through each day. Anxiously awaiting time to try again. But I'm not sure I could do another ectopic pregnancy. I know there is always a chance anytime you become pregnant. But we think our best shot will be to move on to IVF.

Hopefully Late September or October will bring us the beginning of the IVF cycle. But of course, we haven't talked to our RE about this. We need to read up more and decide if this is really the best plan for us.

In the meantime, we grieve the loss of our baby, look into IVF, gather our funds, and try to get on with a normal life.
This is NOT something we are ashamed of. But this is not something we wish to obsess over either. Once the bleeding begins, I will understand how final it is. The time to look forward is coming. We won't look back, and yet we won't forget.

Week two of Salmon.

I am vegetarian. . . well until I've become prego--KINDA. I'm still not eating any meat other than salmon. BUT--I'm eating salmon once a week.

I usually HATE salmon. I typically hate all meat products, but I know salmon has all good things in it and . . .what the Hell. It's worth it for 8 more months.

I had the BEST salmon dish ever today. DH and I went to one of my favorite places, Red Robin. They have a blackened salmon caesar salad. I added tomatoes, said "no" to croutons, and has dressing on the side. SO GOOD. I could eat that every Friday :)

5 weeks TODAY!

Today, I am a happy, 5-week pregnant woman.

Yesterday, the un-fun-ness was back.

I has to finish up projects in the printmaking studio at the college my DH and I attend for our Masters. The day was going fine --until the lower back pain hit. . . and then the leg cramping. . . and the AF-like cramps. . . .and then I felt like I had a bladder infection . . .then I was hot and broke out into a cold sweat. . . I was miserable.

Yet, I had to stand there and print for hours on end until I had at least gotten a few decent prints. I'm content considering how I was feeling. I have to say I'm surprised I didn't give up after lunch.

But we are DONE. Done with the printmaking class.

During our class critique, one of my mentor/professors popped her head into see us. So on the way out, we stopped in to see her. I HAD to tell her. She doesn't really know anyone that I do, so it was a good thing to let her know since I never even see her. Plus, she promised 'mum's the word'.

We just don't want to tell until AT LEAST 8 weeks along. It's only three weeks. . . but feels like FOREVER.

So far, in order, we have told:

1. Our cubbies--they've followed us through this whole process.
2. The pregnant waitress at Cheesecake factory, where we went to celebrate--I even choked down Salmon for this baby!
3. Our Printmaking teacher--so I could check and see if there was anything I couldn't do. She has also been supplying me with all sorts of info about her pregnancy, tips, and tricks. It's been fun to get to talk to someone in person about it!
4. My professor/ Mentor, who we told today. (There was some other lady in the room, but she doesn't really count).

So I've spilt the beans a few times--but all totally harmless and worthwhile "in-the-know-ers". I just can't wait to shout it from the rooftops!--But I'm cautious. . . will I ever be cable to completely enjoy this???

Baby in der. . .

"Erh. Baby in der."

Gorilla "tattoo" belly drawing by my DH.

Pregnancy is fun.

Updates on the un-fun-ness tomorrow.

Great article about IF.

This is a great article about IF. I may be pregnant, but I do not forget where I was less than one month ago . . .

Breaking the Silence on Infertility Health: self.com

Beta #2.

Beta #2 159.1.

WE ARE IN SHOCK.

We are also SO HAPPY!!!

We are waiting to tell everyone just in case the unthinkable happens, which it wont. WE are thinking somewhere between 8-12 weeks we'll drop the bomb. Maybe then, 10 weeks is a good round number.

It seems strange to me, but I only have one more apt. with my RE. An u/s is scheduled for August 5th. That day, we should be able to hear baby's heart beating for the first time. Stayed tuned people. I promise I will loose it then! :)

Happy days. . . . . but I tell ya, these AF-like cramps are KILLING ME!!!

Last night we also went to Sephora and bought all new face lotions, wash, etc. All of mine had retin-A, or salasylic acid, or glycolic acid, or anthrax. . . you know the usual. I got all Boscia products since they do not use preservatives, colors, perfumes, etc. I actually used to use them a long time ago, but moved to my beloved Murad when skin issues got really bad. Here's to hoping it clears up some zits--the natural way!!!

Being prego makes me loose weight. . .

Since I got my first positive pregnancy test, I've changed my eating habits back to what I know they should be. I've done pretty well over the last year, losing 20-25 lbs and continuing my vegetarian lifestyle. But now, it's a whole new game.

I think about every single thing I put into or onto my body. No more salicylic acid in my face products. No Retin-A. No candy, soda, or caffeine. And NO BOOZE or social smokey treats.

One of the other major changes is that I now have a whole new reason to go to the gym. Taking care of embryo by taking better care of myself.

Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't a complete slob before the double pink lines. It's just now, I know there is a reason, instead of hoping there will be a reason.

This is a peek at my diet now.

I eat this salad everyday for lunch. (I know, I need to minus the feta). It is made of romaine lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber, carrots, sprouts, red onion, red pepper hummus, and sometimes, one 100% whole wheat pita underneath. (All organic-as always).









For breakfast this morning I had this. 100% whole wheat toast, 3 egg whites w/ salt, pepper, and parmesan, cantaloupe, and my daily pomegranate juice.


















I hope this helps to not only keep my pregnancy going long and strong, but also to give me the healthiest baby possible in the end.


In other news, I found out for the first time today how I am not in charge of my body anymore. I almost blacked out. (Which I have only done one time in my life).
I was taking a long relaxing shower. I sit, I scrub, I do all the usual things. When I stood up, I felt a little dizzy and saw the dreaded "black flash". I knelt down and go my self back together. I turned down the hot water and felt a little better. I tried to quickly rinse the conditioner out of my hair, but I had to turn off the water.
I got my towel . . . and the room started spinning. . .I couldn't even dry off. I was nauseous, it got dark and fuzzy, and I was about to pass out on the tile floor. I ran for the bed and fell backwards onto it. I called for my husband and (da-da-DAH!) he came rushing in.

I must have stood up too fast. I was jittery, too warm, dizzy, and sickly. I just needed to lay there for a few minutes to get my balance and senses back. But now I know, I do not own my self anymore. For nine months, I need to chill.

But it'll all be worth it. I provide you, for you viewing pleasure, one last POAS picture from this morning. If you thought yesterday was a line--check this out!

Now that's a line!

BETA#1 IN!!!

43.5! She said I'm prego!!! For now anyways. We are cautiously optimistic.

However, the nurse said anything over 25 is good. BFP!!!

DH and I are in shock. We are sitting here, just staring at each other.

DH is so cute, too. When I asked him, "What we were going to do now?" He said. "We're going to Barnes and Noble because I have no idea what happens next!" (He needs books to read :)

In general the hCG levels will double every 72 hours. The level will reach its peak in the first 8 - 11 weeks of pregnancy and then will decline and level off for the remainder of the pregnancy.-AmericanPregnancy.org

On Sunday, we go in for beat #2. We hope to double our numbers. Monday, we get the results. That will mean either another beta or setting up the appointment for our 7-week u/s.

Oh my. oh my. OH MY!!!

OMG--could it be?

Awaiting beta. . .

Yesterday AM.














This morning AM.














Side-by-side compassion. . .

Still waiting for aunt flow. . .

Yep, you heard it.

I am still waiting for the bitch's arrival. . . and by waiting, I mean I hope the skank gets lost for 9 months in the desert.

I have been crampy for about three days now, and had a negative prego test Monday. But it was an early test, and STILL no AF.

IF she isn't here by tomorrow morning--I'm testing again. It will be exactly two Thursday's later. . . Dare I hope?!?!?!

ZA GOATS!...I mean, BLASTOCYSTS! . . I mean, EMBRYOS! . . .er, . . KIDS!?!?!? ARE YOU IN THERE?!?!?!

In the middle of the last week. . .and in the middle of nowhere.

(Above: "Steve").

My DH and I are on our annual wedding anniversary camping trip. This year we celebrate being married for two years.

We camp each year because that is pretty much how we spent our honeymoon; camping across the Western U.S. This trip, we have set up camp in Peninsula State Park in good 'ol North Eastern, WI. It's awesome!
They have Lake Michigan surrounding the park, hiking and bike trails, good food, little shops, camping spots, and the people are pretty friendly around here too. Today we went kayaking across the lake, soaked up some sun, swam, and fed "Steve" the chipmunk.

And schanzy as all of this is, I just keep thinking how I have 4 more days until I can test! Or at least during the down times, that's what I think about. "Za Goat(s)" have now become "Blastocyst" and "Embryo". We talk like they are in there. . . and all we can do is hope and pray that they are.

Happy 2nd Anniversary, DH! I hope we give each other the best gift EVER!

Bah!

I'm going to say, "NO!"

I want to go the entire two weeks (the whole cycle actually) without a drink. . . you know just in case :)

The issue is: IT'S FORTH OF JULY WEEKEND!!!! AND NEXT WEEKEND IS OUR ANNIVERSARY!!! WTF!!! Couldn't have landed at a worse time--seriously!

But today I resisted. Tomorrow, I will resist. But on our anniversary, I will have ONE small glass of wine. My Dad made the wine for our wedding, DH and I designed the labels, and it is as ritualistic as eating the cake the year afterwards for us to drink a glass from one of the bottles we have saved form our wedding, now, almost two years ago!

So that day, I will be crackin' open a bottle of wedding wine. Other than that though--this bar is DRY!!!

Come on babies!!! I've earned you!!!

IUI #3.

IUI #3 was this afternoon.

DH had 32 million post wash. Not bad, eh? Last time we had 24 million and no clue about how many eggs since there was no u/s last time. This time, 32 million and three really good eggs.

We figure that's pretty good odds.

If for some reason we get bad news in 2 weeks (which we won't) I will be completely clueless as to what the issue is. HOW MANY MORE SWIMMERS DO YOU NEED EGGS!??!@?!? I WANT TRIPLETS DAMNIT!

Anyways, believe it or not, this part of the 2ww is my favorite. Fresh optimism, no sign the AF cramping yet, and we get to name the eggs. I have begun calling it/them a variation of zygote. . . "Za Goat". I'm a big fan. In fact, it makes me happy just typing it. :)

Next week, they will be blastocyst and embryo. Kinda boring, right. I like this week.