It's over.

Saturday, July, 24th, 2010.

It began as any other day.

In fact, this day I had no sign of cramping when I awoke around 9am. I ate my healthy breakfast, took my prenatal vitamins and left to go rummaging with my husband and cousins. It was a great time. Looking for kids books, toys, and clothes with them. We found some great deals--including a Grouchella doll. (Oscar's little sister--what a find!)

On the way home, I drove. I began to get slightly nauseous and the cramping began. It got progressively worse as I got closer to home. Once home, I went straight to the rest room.

Spotting. Not bright red, but dark. Alarming.

I called for my DH. I told him.

We laid in bed together wondering what to do. What did it mean???

I've heard talk of cramping and spotting being totally normal and plenty of women go on to deliver normal, healthy babies. But I did not have the same start as many women.

I called my RE. He was not in since it was the weekend, but the other RE was on call. He called me back and basically told me that it could be totally normal and to come see him at 9:30am tomorrow at his office. However, if it got worse, bleeding increased, or if the pain localized to one side, go to the ER.

I laid, sat, and stood around for over an hour. I couldn't sleep. I didn't know what was going on, what do I do?!?!

I finally realized that I could just sit around all day and night wondering--allowing the pain to get worse.

We headed to he ER. Once we got there, they took my vitals and asked a few questions. But I still had to wait.
The waiting room was FULL of weirdos. I mean, FULL. People complaining that they had been there forever, yada, yada, yada.

I was thirsty, but I couldn't drink ANYTHING. They wouldn't let me. I had nothing with me. Not even my magical iphone. My DH had to rub my back, but it was becoming too much. I needed to get in.
We became buddies with the nurse--by being nice--go figure. They took me back to draw an unbelievable amount of blood for testing. AT LEAST 7 of those bottles. Then, it was back out to wait.

DH asked if I could have some pain meds, it pushed us up on the wait. After about an hour, I was in. Room #15, awaiting some answers.

The nurse practitioner came in. She explained a few things and gave me a "wonderful" pelvic exam. She was looking to see if my cervix was open--implying that I was miscarrying. It was closed. Good news.

Then, she insisted that I had to put in a catheter. I HATE CATHETERS. Let me say that again-- I HATE CATHETERS. They needed to use it so they could fill my bladder with a fluid during the ultrasound (u/s) I was about to have. Bah!

I was wheeled up to radiology into a small room. DH stayed with me and held my hand as they filled my bladder with a clear, cold, fluid. WIERD feeling. This allowed her to see the embryo on the screen since my full-bladder would push up the uterus.

She was pressing really hard on my ute. WITH A FULL BLADDER! SUCKY!!! She says something like, "Oh, did you know you have an inverted uterus?" WHAT? Seriously. WTF does that mean??? "Did you ever have cysts?" WHAT????!!! Lady! I'm stressed enough!
It went on for what seemed like hours. She had to of taken at least 50-75 photos.
Then-- the worst came. She put the dildo cam in my lady part! YES! With the catheter still IN!!!
It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. It hurt the worst on the right side--I think because that's where the catheter was laying. I couldn't keep track of time. DH thinks it lasted at least 15-20 minutes. What are they seriously going to do with all of those photos???

They took me back to go 'ol room #15. I had two IV's put in. (One which they never used, the other only put one bag of saline fluid in--pointless).

We waited.

And waited.

Finally, the nurse practitioner came in. "It's ectopic." She says.

After that, I can't remember much else. DH asked if it was for sure. She said it was on my left side. Then, she left. She dropped a bomb on us and left.

All we could do was just cry. We held each other and cried. What else could we do?

A young OB came in with a med student. She looked fresh out of med school. They were in charge of my care for the rest of our time. It was now after 10pm. They explained that right now it sounded like we had a few options:
1. A laparoscopy.
2. A suction procedure--not my preference.
3. A pill, methotrexate.

They then called the RE on call to see what he thought was best based on my results. My BETA was only at a level of 300-something. Not what it should be for over 5 weeks. It told us that even if we didn't try to end the pregnancy, it might have dissolved on it's own. But the risk of my fallopian tube rupturing was far too great.

When they returned, the 12-year old doctor, and the tiny mute med student along her side, they explained that the RE thought the best solution was the methotrexate. It is a chemo drug used to stop cells from dividing. Hopefully then, the pregnancy would end over the next week or two, with a AF-like bleed. They would need to check my beta levels day 4 and 7 of each week until it came back down to zero.

We agreed.

We said goodbye to our little one we had only known for a few weeks, but would remember forever.

Two ladies came in wearing full body protectant aprons. Holding a hazard bag filled with two glowing syringes of yellow liquid. WHAT?!?!? I THOUGHT THIS WAS A PILL? Don't get me wrong, I'm fine with needle shots. I took plenty with all the IF craziness. It was just a sudden change I wasn't told of. And at that point I was NOT up for anymore sudden changes.

But I took both shots. In the rear. Trying to make light of it. Telling each nurse to enjoy the view. Yes, each nurse took a needle and both shots in my ass at the same time. LOL. Seriously, that was kinda funny.

We left the hospital a few minutes after midnight.

The feeling of emptiness, like we now had less than we came in with was overwhelming.

Went headed to Walgreens to pick up the medication I had been prescribed for pain. It was late, I was still in some pain. But we made it. Back home.

It felt strange. All the books we had bought, the pages printed from the internet, now, didn't matter.

SLEEP.




July, 25th, 2010.

I met with the RE on call.

To make this story much shorter, basically I might have PCOS still, I might have an issue with the left tube being blocked, I might have tubes that don't push the embryos down into my uterus, and we can't try again for at least a few months.

So WTF do I do now? Where is my bit of good news?

Our plan is to get through each day. Anxiously awaiting time to try again. But I'm not sure I could do another ectopic pregnancy. I know there is always a chance anytime you become pregnant. But we think our best shot will be to move on to IVF.

Hopefully Late September or October will bring us the beginning of the IVF cycle. But of course, we haven't talked to our RE about this. We need to read up more and decide if this is really the best plan for us.

In the meantime, we grieve the loss of our baby, look into IVF, gather our funds, and try to get on with a normal life.
This is NOT something we are ashamed of. But this is not something we wish to obsess over either. Once the bleeding begins, I will understand how final it is. The time to look forward is coming. We won't look back, and yet we won't forget.