Fertility report--IN!

Let's get right to the point--

Nurse called. She told me the following:

• 7 of my 8 eggs retrieved were fully developed and could be fertilized.
• Out of those 7, 6 were successfully fertilized! (Can't wait to get my embie photos!)
• Apparently they must look pretty good thus far because the plan she told me is different than what the RE said yesterday. We transfer, Saturday! Blast transfer!!!

Yep, that's right! A 5-day blast transfer.

• You can read more about 5-day blast transfers here.
• Implantation rates of 5-day blast transfers here.
• Success rates of 5-day blast transfers here.

I am excited because this is what DH and I were really hoping for. Not only are the success rates greater, but the chances of multiples are more controlled at this stage. In addition, this means I will miss no more school this week and will only take off Monday, by choice, to give my uterus and embryos more time to cozy in with bed-rest.

I've heard many contradictory things about "how long is enough" for bed rest. I tend to lean on the side of caution. If we've gone this far, extra time in bed can only help.

I found on my last IUI (the only that was successful) that I laid in bed much of that day. Knowing that I am dealing with a hydrosalphinx which could possibly prevent implantation, it seems only logical to give my embryos all the chance I can for successful implantation.

I am beyond excited to get going with the ET. Now that I know the date, I am getting antsy.

What sucks about all of this?

Two things:

1. I won't hear anything about my embryos or ET again until Friday afternoon. (See: I will be calling my favorite nurse and bribing her with chocolate to go and look at my chart).
2. I begin the progesterone and oil injections today. BLECH. I hear they are the worst! Seriously, the needle is HUGE. I shall take a photo tonight and post it later.

I am going to try and stay a lot more calm and relaxed over this week. I'm going to try very hard to not let students piss me off. I am also going to try to not stress out too much about work or this whole process. (Good luck, right?)

Although I have chosen not to do acupuncture during this cycle, I have still done for spa treatments and massage during the past two months. I hope even for a short time it has helped me to relax.

Right now I am still bleeding a bit and in some pain (down below) from the ER yesterday. With each step I can feel pounding down there. I cannot get up quickly or walk fast--at all. I hope this goes away by Friday or that is going to be one painful transfer.

Tootles, all! Looks like the necklaces and socks are working!!! Is it Saturday, yet?

Egg Retrieval.

This morning was the egg retrieval. I was really hoping that we'd have at least 10-14 eggs retrieved. After all, they told me I had such a huge number of follies when we began. I was nervous., but prepared. I had on all three lucky necklaces and my lucky socks.

We arrived at the back door just before 8:40am. I felt like I was now part of the secret club. It was a private entrance for those of us having surgery, ER's or ET's. Not necessarily the club you dream of being a part of since you were a young child, but right now--I am proud card carrying member.

I went to my own little room with a curtain. I got into the gown and had my vitals checked. The nurse then listed off a huge set of instructions and medications I would need over the next two weeks.

DH was then wisked away from me to go give a fresh sample. "The sample of all samples". DH said, "This is the most important 'jack-off' in 31 years of life." True, true.

I then waited. . . and tried to relax. I figured I'd go back before DH returned--but then, there he was! I got to see him again before I walked back.

When the nurse came to get me, I went to the back room with her. One final pee before the procedure began. I had to crawl over the stirrups and get hooked in. They began by using the speculum and cleaning off my cervix to prevent infection. That kinda sucks. I didn't have the twilight hooked up yet and I HATE anything touching my cervix.

The anesthesiologist then numbed where she was putting in the IV. Seems pointless to me. Why numb something with a needle that you're just going to poke with another needle?

Anyways, both finished what they were doing and I could feel the sedation begin to kick in. I kinda enjoy it. It's a weird feeling. I reminded them that I wanted a photo of each ovary before they removed the eggs and before I knew it, things begin to blur and it's a soft fade into sleep.

Before I knew it, I was in my room again with DH staring at me. I never even saw the RE. For all I know a monkey came in and did the retrieval.

I did know I was feeling pain in my ovaries and abdomen. Cramping and intermittent sharp pains in really specific areas on both the left and right side. I also began to feel some bloating and pressure.

Once I sat for a while and the nurse had done several rounds of checking my blood pressure and pulse I was able to use the bathroom (again) get dressed. There was some bright red blood but not much. Nothing that made me want to pass out. Once changed I also took a vicodin of my own supply to help numb some of the pain. My RE says I can take those as long as I wish. But I'm not going to take more than 1 per day--and only then when I really need it.

Dh and I then waited a long time for the RE to finally appear and talk to us. He told us they retrieved 8 eggs.

That's it.

I know I should be thankful I got any. I know it only takes one. But I was really hoping that we'd have more. I'd like to have a backup in the deep freeze, if needed, and odds are it's not very likely that we will have many.

Either way, he told us we do not need ICSI and that we have a few scenarios in front of us:

• If all 8 are fertilized, we will automatically have a 5-day Blast transfer on Saturday.
• If less than 4 are fertilized, we will automatically have a 3-day transfer on Thursday.
• If 4-7 are fertilized and look good, we will check on Thursday morning and then decide if it will be a transfer than day or Saturday. (This is the choice I want the least).

The last two options are the least appealing, but also the most likely. It would be a pure miracle if all 8 are fertilized--but I am hoping and praying or it. Truly, I am.

I accept all forms of support and good thoughts! We are hoping for our miracle baby or babies!!! Our beta is on Monday, the 25th-- I am officially in the 2WW--even without the embabies inside me! SO CRAZY!!!

Love you all, thanks for the support!

I've triggered!

11:15pm tonight, I triggered with 10,000 units of HcG!

I'm tired and sickly-- so going to bed! I'll tell you about today, tomorrow. . .

One more day of stims.

(Above: Left Follies, Below: Right Follies).

I received all my updates this afternoon at school. (I am always anxious to call as soon as 3 o'clock hits!) The nurse told me my numbers (see: right side bar) and said that I won't have the ER on 10.10.10, but most likely the next day Monday, 10.11.10 or at the latest Tuesday, 10.12.10. I am DAYS AWAY PEOPLE--DAYS! DH should feel lucky if I hold back from counting hours and minutes!

I am bummed that I will have to take off more school for this but it's another instance of "it will all be worth it in the end". There are about 36 follies at this point that are worth measuring. Some of the original 43 have "dissolved" into the others or haven't been keeping up. It is funny to me because the right ovary had 29 follies at the first count. Now it has less jumbo follies because each of the 29 follies had to "share the stim medication" with the others. While the left ovary had only 14 follies to begin with, so there was more medication to go around and therefore the follies we able to grow larger. Ah, so is life. . .

I'm hoping all the follies have some eggs to retrieve. I'm thankful that I have ANY follies, but would really like to have a bunch that are able to go to freeze. Unless we are able to use those for a FET, we will most likely not do another IVF cycle until Summer--but this will work so why am I even wondering? :)

In the meantime, DH and I are addicted to all-foods-crappy. We are about to indulge in some Little Caesars $5 pizza for dinner. I wish we could get our eating habits back on track. We are not huge or overweight (in fact DH runs marathons) but we usually eat much better. Last year at this time I was on a vegan cleanse. We just can't seem to get back on track.

We're stressed, tired, and I am HUNGRY ALL THE TIME. I have gained 10 pounds from the meds and this way of eating. Crazy.

All I do know is, when I get the positive pregnancy test, I will repeat my habits of the last pregnancy--I am a fitness/diet animal. I paid good money for this baby (or babies)--I'm treatin' it right!

CD9 and counting. . .

It appears I am VERY close to my ER.

The estimated date was 10.10.10. I think they may be right. It will most likely either be Sunday or Monday. Tricky when you are a teacher. I have to make and prepare sub-plans tonight for Monday in case I am not in. BAH!

Either way, it will be worth it--I just have to find the motivation to get my butt in gear.

In other news, Yesterday was a bit of a mess with scheduling my day. I was running on a tight schedule hoping to get back to school in time to teacher ALL of my classes that day. However, before we even got a few miles down he highway, there was a HUGE accident and it pushed us 30-40 minutes late. . . which of course threw everything else off for the rest of the day. I have to say though, with all the driving DH and I have been doing down to IL over the past few weeks, we are simply thankful it was not us in the fatal car accident.

Today, went much better. It was a halfway calm day. We went in, I got poked for blood work and an u/s and then DH made his "emergency deposit".

Allow me to explain: If there was any trouble with DH providing a "sample", "deposit", "splooge" on the ER date, we'd be screwed. So to take stress off of DH and to give us some added security, DH did a "just in case sample" that will be checked and frozen today. If for whatever reason he can't give on on ER date, they will just use the frozen sample from today. it's an extra 100 bucks, but compared to what this whole thing has cost us in time and money--that's chump change.

We also got more update on follie sizes. (See sidebar to right).

I'm pretty happy with where things are right now. In a way its good to know that not 43 follies have grown to 16mm. On the other hand, I wish more of them would grow faster and catch up with their bigger sisters. As long as they are big and strong or "Big is beautiful" as the u/s tech said today, then it will all be okay. (16mm is needed).

Hopefully, tomorrow is the last "during a school day" that I will have to travel to the RE and then to school. For ER and ET, when I'm back--I stay put!

BRING IT!!!

I can't deal with all of this right now.

I'm not sure how anyone can do this.

Story of my craptastic day:

I was woken up this morning by horrible AF cramps. Yes, the bitch is back.

Not only could I not go back to sleep, but the usual "lay in the shower" trick didn't work either.

This was AF from Hell.

In all my years of needing major medication for cramps, I can't remember the last time they were this bad. I tried 1/2 a vicodin. Nada. I tried sitting, standing, laying, crouching, falling wet from the shower onto the cold tile floor-- NADA. I tried another whole vicodin and still nothing! I was nauseous, tired, dizzy, and in serious pain.

To top it all off, nobody was home-- just me. I kept thinking, "Well, if I were to pass out on the floor right now and die, at least they'll someday find me clean."

It went one for hours. Finally, I forced myself to say ontop of towels on the bed without moving and endure the pain until I fell asleep. I slept until 2pm. Like. a. rock.

******

I awoke to the sounds of the doorbell ringing. Apparently some package that I didn't feel necessary to go and retrieve. By the time I go downstairs I decided to make some tea and call my RE's office and tell them I am finally on CD1. It was one long as Hell conversation.

The nurse told me that I could come in Thursday (The first day I can actually set-up my room for teaching) but not until 7am. When I asked if we could do the injection training afterwards (since I don't feel like driving another 2 hours and missing work just to do that 30 minute thing) she said, "We don't do them that early blah, blah, blah. . . "

WHAT?!?! What 'chu talkin' 'bout?

Then she told me I needed to make another appointment for a "Mock ET". Seriously. A mock ET? Like they haven't seen a vagina before? Or mine for that matter?!? I asked if it was like an IUI she said no, because they need to have my bladder full (aware of that) but then use a "dilator" to open up my cervix so they can pass the catheter through. (NOT AWARE OF THAT).

I love how every time I think I have been given all the information, they surprise me with wonderful bits of info like this. Oh and it gets better. . .

I told her I'll schedule it with her now so I can make sure I have a weekend available. She said, "We don't do mock transfers on the weekend." O.M.G. What the fuck do you mean you "Don't do mock transfers on the weekend!" When do you do anything? It doesn't seem to me like you are making time for someone who actually has to work full-time AND is coming to your clinic from out of state to do ANYTHING.

I'm beginning to feel like this is impossible. Like there is something always working against me. First the hydro, now this scheduling nightmare! I am already so aggravated. I'm not even going to go into the mess of trying to have my transcripts transfered. BAH!

I mean, seriously. What do they think I do? I am not in a profession where I can just take off any day of the week. (Correction: DayS).

I have a new job, in a new district, where I am in charge of an entire department. I cannot look bad straight out of the gate. NOR can we afford for me to get fired. I kinda need to pay for this whole cluster-fuck.

Now, I know. Some of you may be thinking, "This is just part of what you need to go through in this process."

BUT WHY?

Why? Why does it need to be made even more difficult than it already is? Can't someone keep their job and have a baby at the same time? Where is the compassion for couples that already have their lives turned upside down? The whole thing is a scheduling nightmare to begin with. Why can we not make an appointment for something that actually is schedule-able? I will gladly wait in the waiting room on a Saturday for an ER or ET to take place if I can get in before everyone goes home. Work with me here people. . . I'm only offering you tens of thousands of dollars.

*****

I don't know where I go from here.

Do I tell my new principal that I need about 10-15 days off in the next two months and when he asks. "Which days?" I say, "I dunno. . . "

Do I say screw the mock transfer? I know they got in with three IUI's, why do they need to charge me more money and more time off or this?

Do I push off this whole thing? . . . 'till when? When is it ever going to be a convenient time?

Until an RE's office becomes a little more compassionate and flexible, there may never be a better time.

What's my plan?

Go in on Thursday. Get the blood tests. Wait for results. Plead with them to let me go in on a weekend for the mock trial or skip it all together. If I decide to quit along the way, at least I tried, right? Bleeeeh. . . .

Well, that figures.

I'm going to try and make this as short as possible:

Sunday night I began getting very strong sudden cramps in what felt like my "cervical areas". It started around 8:30pm. I tried to lay in bed to relax. It didn't make anything better. My cramps continued to get worse and closer together. They were like spasms that came between 1-5 minutes apart. I felt like I was having contractions and my cervix was dilating!

At this time, my DH was at a movie with one of our friends. He got home around 10pm and came up to check on me. I told him I'd be okay and that I'd just take another vicodin and try to sleep it off.

Well, about an hour later, he came upstairs after our friend left. I spent the next 2 hours squeezing his hand off. The pain came in waves. It was quite significant. Hovering around a 5 or 6 at the low times and jumping up to 8 and 9 during the spasm. The 2 vicodin weren't even taking the edge off.

DH had finally had enough after 1am. He forced me to go to the ER. I was not happy. I didn't want to go. I was petrified that they would force me into having another pelvic exam and even worse another ultrasound.

Once in the car my cramping temporarily got better only to jump right back as we got closer. DH and I tried to just walk it off a bit before going in. But I finally gave in.

We checked in at the front and then were promptly taken back for the usual blood pressure, temperature, and info gathering. Thankfully, because of my pain level and the shorter wait time, I was able to go straight back into a room.

I changed into the gown and tried to get comfortable. An extremely friendly male nurse came in. He took my blood samples (about 6 of them) and hooked me up for an IV. I really liked this guy. He was one of the better nurses we have ever had there. He began by asking me about why I came in and the whole story. But before, he told us how sorry he was for the ectopic pregnancy. It didn't feel like a routine "I have to say this" kind of apology. We could tell he truly meant it. It was very nice to hear at that moment.

Most of the events that happened after that are a blur. We were so tired (it was now early Monday morning) and the nurse got them to let me have a dose of morphine (4mg) before they did anything else. SO I was a bit loopy.

What I can recall is the doctor finally coming in. I re-explained everything to her. After about 10 minutes of talking it all over, she said she needed to do a pelvic exam and possible ultrasound.

YOU ARE SHITTING ME.

I was not happy. Now I was really pissed at my DH for making me come in. I didn't want to be, but I was. She left and went to get things set up for the pelvic exam. Are you kidding me?!?!? I'm bleeding down there! I'm in massive amounts of pain! And you want to go poking around!?!?! I was really upset.

I told the nurse when he came back in that the pelvic was fine, but there was no way in Hell, I was doing the ultrasound. No way. Seriously.

The doctor came back in for the exam. I hate that damn process. She was poking around for a while and apparently found out I was right! Holy crap-o. My cervix was dilating. It was that pain I was feeling. (Apparently I now know what it feels like to go into labor!)
It is also what happens when a woman is having a miscarriage. My body was simply trying to get rid of the pregnancy and all the "stuff" inside.
While continuing to explore around she called in the head OB doctor to look at something suspicious on my cervix.

So here I am, open for the world to see and she brings in some other guy to check it out. Fun times. He tried to say "Hi" to my DH and I. I told him I'd have to shake his hand later.

They decided to remove the piece of suspicious tissue and send it to the lab. Hopefully, we'll find out what that was in a few days.

She then said that I might need a ultrasound. I flat out told her I wasn't having one. My awesome nurse backed me up. I heart him. :) She said, "okay, your choice".

They came back later with some results from my blood tests. Apparently my HcG had dropped to 92. So the u/s wouldn't even be needed. --This of course didn't matter to me because I wasn't doing it anyways. :) She then said I was pretty much free to leave.

I had one more dose of morphine before they removed the IV. Then, we were on our way. Groggy, but on the way home. We were so glad to find nothing horribly wrong (other than a lot of pain) and to be on the way home--to sleep.



I've been feeling extremely tired and still crampy for the last few days. Not quite myself yet. DH and I fear what might happen next weekend. Hopefully not another trip to the ER. I'm sick of seeing that place.

This Thursday, I have a follow up with my current RE. I haven't seen or talked to him since the IUI July 1st. I will talk to him about my ectopic, the last ER visit, and what he thinks we should do next.

DH and I will have to carefully consider what he says. On the 24th I see my possible new RE in IL. A longer drive for sure but if I'm going to have better care, it's worth it.

Phew. Hopefully this is a quiet week.

It's over.

Saturday, July, 24th, 2010.

It began as any other day.

In fact, this day I had no sign of cramping when I awoke around 9am. I ate my healthy breakfast, took my prenatal vitamins and left to go rummaging with my husband and cousins. It was a great time. Looking for kids books, toys, and clothes with them. We found some great deals--including a Grouchella doll. (Oscar's little sister--what a find!)

On the way home, I drove. I began to get slightly nauseous and the cramping began. It got progressively worse as I got closer to home. Once home, I went straight to the rest room.

Spotting. Not bright red, but dark. Alarming.

I called for my DH. I told him.

We laid in bed together wondering what to do. What did it mean???

I've heard talk of cramping and spotting being totally normal and plenty of women go on to deliver normal, healthy babies. But I did not have the same start as many women.

I called my RE. He was not in since it was the weekend, but the other RE was on call. He called me back and basically told me that it could be totally normal and to come see him at 9:30am tomorrow at his office. However, if it got worse, bleeding increased, or if the pain localized to one side, go to the ER.

I laid, sat, and stood around for over an hour. I couldn't sleep. I didn't know what was going on, what do I do?!?!

I finally realized that I could just sit around all day and night wondering--allowing the pain to get worse.

We headed to he ER. Once we got there, they took my vitals and asked a few questions. But I still had to wait.
The waiting room was FULL of weirdos. I mean, FULL. People complaining that they had been there forever, yada, yada, yada.

I was thirsty, but I couldn't drink ANYTHING. They wouldn't let me. I had nothing with me. Not even my magical iphone. My DH had to rub my back, but it was becoming too much. I needed to get in.
We became buddies with the nurse--by being nice--go figure. They took me back to draw an unbelievable amount of blood for testing. AT LEAST 7 of those bottles. Then, it was back out to wait.

DH asked if I could have some pain meds, it pushed us up on the wait. After about an hour, I was in. Room #15, awaiting some answers.

The nurse practitioner came in. She explained a few things and gave me a "wonderful" pelvic exam. She was looking to see if my cervix was open--implying that I was miscarrying. It was closed. Good news.

Then, she insisted that I had to put in a catheter. I HATE CATHETERS. Let me say that again-- I HATE CATHETERS. They needed to use it so they could fill my bladder with a fluid during the ultrasound (u/s) I was about to have. Bah!

I was wheeled up to radiology into a small room. DH stayed with me and held my hand as they filled my bladder with a clear, cold, fluid. WIERD feeling. This allowed her to see the embryo on the screen since my full-bladder would push up the uterus.

She was pressing really hard on my ute. WITH A FULL BLADDER! SUCKY!!! She says something like, "Oh, did you know you have an inverted uterus?" WHAT? Seriously. WTF does that mean??? "Did you ever have cysts?" WHAT????!!! Lady! I'm stressed enough!
It went on for what seemed like hours. She had to of taken at least 50-75 photos.
Then-- the worst came. She put the dildo cam in my lady part! YES! With the catheter still IN!!!
It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. It hurt the worst on the right side--I think because that's where the catheter was laying. I couldn't keep track of time. DH thinks it lasted at least 15-20 minutes. What are they seriously going to do with all of those photos???

They took me back to go 'ol room #15. I had two IV's put in. (One which they never used, the other only put one bag of saline fluid in--pointless).

We waited.

And waited.

Finally, the nurse practitioner came in. "It's ectopic." She says.

After that, I can't remember much else. DH asked if it was for sure. She said it was on my left side. Then, she left. She dropped a bomb on us and left.

All we could do was just cry. We held each other and cried. What else could we do?

A young OB came in with a med student. She looked fresh out of med school. They were in charge of my care for the rest of our time. It was now after 10pm. They explained that right now it sounded like we had a few options:
1. A laparoscopy.
2. A suction procedure--not my preference.
3. A pill, methotrexate.

They then called the RE on call to see what he thought was best based on my results. My BETA was only at a level of 300-something. Not what it should be for over 5 weeks. It told us that even if we didn't try to end the pregnancy, it might have dissolved on it's own. But the risk of my fallopian tube rupturing was far too great.

When they returned, the 12-year old doctor, and the tiny mute med student along her side, they explained that the RE thought the best solution was the methotrexate. It is a chemo drug used to stop cells from dividing. Hopefully then, the pregnancy would end over the next week or two, with a AF-like bleed. They would need to check my beta levels day 4 and 7 of each week until it came back down to zero.

We agreed.

We said goodbye to our little one we had only known for a few weeks, but would remember forever.

Two ladies came in wearing full body protectant aprons. Holding a hazard bag filled with two glowing syringes of yellow liquid. WHAT?!?!? I THOUGHT THIS WAS A PILL? Don't get me wrong, I'm fine with needle shots. I took plenty with all the IF craziness. It was just a sudden change I wasn't told of. And at that point I was NOT up for anymore sudden changes.

But I took both shots. In the rear. Trying to make light of it. Telling each nurse to enjoy the view. Yes, each nurse took a needle and both shots in my ass at the same time. LOL. Seriously, that was kinda funny.

We left the hospital a few minutes after midnight.

The feeling of emptiness, like we now had less than we came in with was overwhelming.

Went headed to Walgreens to pick up the medication I had been prescribed for pain. It was late, I was still in some pain. But we made it. Back home.

It felt strange. All the books we had bought, the pages printed from the internet, now, didn't matter.

SLEEP.




July, 25th, 2010.

I met with the RE on call.

To make this story much shorter, basically I might have PCOS still, I might have an issue with the left tube being blocked, I might have tubes that don't push the embryos down into my uterus, and we can't try again for at least a few months.

So WTF do I do now? Where is my bit of good news?

Our plan is to get through each day. Anxiously awaiting time to try again. But I'm not sure I could do another ectopic pregnancy. I know there is always a chance anytime you become pregnant. But we think our best shot will be to move on to IVF.

Hopefully Late September or October will bring us the beginning of the IVF cycle. But of course, we haven't talked to our RE about this. We need to read up more and decide if this is really the best plan for us.

In the meantime, we grieve the loss of our baby, look into IVF, gather our funds, and try to get on with a normal life.
This is NOT something we are ashamed of. But this is not something we wish to obsess over either. Once the bleeding begins, I will understand how final it is. The time to look forward is coming. We won't look back, and yet we won't forget.