One year.

Today is a sad reminder of how far we have come.

One year ago today, we lost our first baby from IUI #3.

One year later, we are 22 weeks pregnant with our twin boys.

What a difference one year makes.

(Miss you, Little Buddy)

I am totally getting one of these.

Yep, why not deliver in style!?!

These are super fly. Too bad it's $50 bucks a pop, but they'll be in photos that last a lifetime, right? :)

I believe they are called "Baby be mine, maternity 'Gownies'".

5w 4d. We made it to ultrasound. . . kinda.

Well here I am.

Sorry it has taken me so long to post. I have needed a few days to gather up the strength not only to face the day, but to write this long story as well.

Friday, November 5th, 2010.

DH and I left from home around 11am. I left work early and DH had the day off. We had a full tank of gas and were ready to face the day--hoping today was the day we would meet our little one(s) for the first time! The day was here! Ultrasound day!

Once at the RE's office (about noon), we went back into the Ultrasound room. I undressed on the lower half and waited. . . DH and I were ready to see what was happening in there once and for all.

Now keep in mind, I have had dark spotting for about a week. I know something is not quite normal, but the nurses keep saying things about how a lot of women bleed and spot, blah, blah, blah.

Once the RE finally came in, the u/s began. Dildo cam was moving around and apparently it was hard to see perfectly on the screen. I couldn't look.

It didn't take long before the RE became blunt with us. He said something like, "This isn't a normal pregnancy". . . and "Fluid is in the uterus..."

There was nothing to see. My uterus had nothing in it but unidentifiable fluid. Could be blood, could be from my hydrosalphinx, or it could be a mixture of both.

He looked towards the fallopian tubes and said he didn't see anything there either. But either way, no baby in the uterus been ectopic. Anytime you are pregnant and nothing is found in the ute--it's ectopic.

Again.

The RE said he wanted to get a better look on the ultrasound machine, but we'd have to wait 10-15 minutes. At that point I didn't care and said, "fine."

After RE left the room, I dressed again. I don;t think I said anything. What could either of us say at this point? It's happened to us again. This time, they can't even see an embryo! How are we even going to know what went wrong? If I'm pregnant, where is it?!?

I sat in the chair and waited. DH rested his head on my lap as we cried another time for our child we will never know. Another pointless cry that won't solve anything. It doesn't make us feel any better. Pretty much no one we know is aware of what we have been doing. Students and parents where I teach will still treat me like crap everyday, without considering all the doctor appointments I have been gone for.

There will be no taking it easy this time. No Summer break to cushion the fall of this. How am I supposed to live every day like this never happened?

Finally one of the nurses comes in to get us and take us to the other u/s machine.

Again, it's the same result. I didn't even ask for a print out of the u/s.

So what now.

RE couldn't tell us what happened. We won't even learn anything from this except that I make a great human pin-cushion.

What was next? Another round of methotrexate. But this time we had to go pick it up from the pharmacy clear across town.

What happened next was such a cluster-fuck that there is no point trying to explain it. As if the day hadn't been bad enough, when we finally got to the pharmacy as OSCO, I had to call my insurance because they had stopped covering me without telling me about it last time I tried to fill an Rx. SO I called and argued with them first. They said all should be fine. Then dumb girl behind the counter tried to ring up the Rx at full price. I told her I have insurance. Same thing. I called my insurance BACK. They said the drug had never been rung up. So I told her to figure her shit out. She went to the pharmacist, a very young girl.

After waiting for at least 5-10 minutes, she said it was recalled. METHOTREXATE WAS RECALLED. I told her, " I HAVE TO HAVE THIS DRUG. This is not negotiable. And WHY was your employee ready to sell this to me at full-price 5 minutes ago if it is recalled?"

UGH.

I told her to call my RE and see if there was anything else they could give me. She went back and called my RE's office. Then, came back to us, clearly agitated. Nothing. She claimed it was recalled everywhere, even in WI.

I had to drive all the way back to the RE. Once we pulled in to the parking lot, the nurse called and said they have it filled for us at Walgreens down the street. First of all, why didn't they send us to the closer pharmacy in the first place? Secondly, CLEARLY the first pharmacist has no clue how to do her job. Only certain batches of the drug are recalled, so yes, in WI we would have been able to get it filled just as we can a few miles down the road here.

We finally got it and came BACK to the RE's again. By this time, I have no more "happy face" to put on.

I get both shots of methotrexate and then have to give blood for my BETA. They also told me the one thing I wanted to do when I got home was not an option. No drinking until the beginning of December --LOOK OUT HANUKKAH! I'm bringing you in with a bang! I also can't have sex with my husband until well into December. That will make the longest drought of our entire relationship. Sept- December. Good God. Poor DH.

So how did we spend the evening, when we finally got home after 5?

We went to the buffet at the casino and payed bingo until 2am. Yep, that's right.

*******

So what now?

I'm not exactly sure.

I will most likely have my tubes burned from the uterus during a laparoscopy in December. They will not be totally removed, just out of the picture with baby making. My ovaries will still be operational for making eggs but the chance of having a "natural conception" will completely be gone forever.

It will however fix the hydrosalphinx issue--no way to ooze into my ute and in addition, I'll never have to worry about another tubal pregnancy again.

After that, I'll have to wait at least 6-8 weeks until we can try to make babies.

That means it will be the middle to end of February before we can try our first FET with 2 of our 4 frozen embryos. (I found out one of them is even a 6AA embryo-- I'm hoping that will be our golden child :)

It's going to be a long road until Spring. We must make it through the entire holiday season and almost all Winter without even being able to try again.

For now, non-decaffeinated coffee galore! I can do all the yoga I want--twist, twist, twist! I can run and swim! I can ride my bike--inside. I can go to work without having to take very damn week off. (Do you see that I'm trying to find the bright side?) At Christmas, I can get drunk with my whole stupid, obnoxious family.

::Sigh::

But I'd prefer to have a little reason why I can't.

***********

I will be going on hiatus until more news comes about.

BETA #4 from Friday had dropped to 54 before I even got the two methotrexate shots. Tuesday, I will go in after school for another test, results Wednesday.

I'll continue to post updates and things happen or appointments are made. One of these days I will be scheduling an appointment with the RE to see WTF happened and what we should do next. My hope is to have the lap surgery on Dec 22nd and spend Christmas repairing-- DAMN! That mean I can't get drunk that day. IF SUCKS!!!!!!

Thank you to all who have followed us on our journey thus far. Although there are many times we just want to give up, it's not that time yet. We have more things to try and frozen babies waiting for us in Illinois. We are discouraged, but not broken.

The BETA's continue. . . .

I had another BETA drawn Saturday. Today (Sunday) they called with the results. I am now down to 24. I should need at least one more BETA this Friday. Hopefully I am at ZERO, but that is wishful thinking. The numbers have dropped relatively fast, even though my beginning beta wasn’t that high.

I am now just getting antsy about starting IVF. I want to get going NOW but DH and I are in deep debate about with path to take and/or what to do once we have (fingers crossed) become pregnant. At least I picked a good one—DH and I agree on many things and, thankfully, this has been a pretty tame conversation.

I just wonder if I’ll be starting Birth Control Pills (BCP) in September, if my beta continues to drop. My guess is that I will be having the CD 3 (cycle day 3) tests no later than mid-September.

This is all assuming we stay with my current RE, which I am still not sure if that’s what I want to do. When I meet with the new guy on the 24th, we will all have a much better idea about what is going on and where we want to be.

Drop BETA, DROP!

It's official--IVF time.

Today was the "What the fu@k happened" meeting with my RE.

There was a lot I got to discuss with him. Usually he acts like a dismissive "douchecanoe" (Word credit goes to a lady on my IF chat). I have never actually had a sit-down talk with him since our first consult meeting back in May. As I said then, I felt like he didn't treat us as an individual case and ignored all my concerns. However this time, I think he realized, at least a little, how this was now a real issue--I was NOT worrying without reason.

We discussed briefly how my left tube could now be compromised. He wanted to perform another HSG. This time using a sedative--he was surprised that my OB didn't use one at all. (I like hearing that!) We could then figure out if we wanted to clear out the tube (if it was possible) or remove the tube all together. As long as that went well, we'd do another IUI (#4). The problem is, that is if the issue is with my tubes, and perhaps in both, the chances of having another ectopic are pretty damn high. And we don't want to go through that again.

Then, I brought up the only other option. IVF.

He said he was just about to talk about that. A good sign. I had actually thought he'd think I was moving to fast into it, that I was too anxious. But--happy to hear, it seemed like that was the step he was thinking was the best option. Although IVF cannot totally rule out an ectopic pregnancy, it is a very small chance.

He went into many of the details about the process. I would begin on birth control pills either when AF had begun again or when my HcG was negative. (Making the beginning date possibly as early as sometime in September? YAY!)

But we'd have to wait for the methotrexate to completely clear my system, the HcG to be zero or less, and (optionally) AF to begin. He said my current nausea, headaches, exhaustion, aches, pains, and general sickly-ness will not go away until these things have all occurred--possibly another 3-4 weeks! BAH to that!

Anyways, after clarifying how IVF works (more on that as time get closer-- It'll be easier to explain when I know my timeline) I asked about the "cysts" the radiologist had seen and my "inverted uterus". My RE said the cysts we probably just from the follicles I had during pregnancy. The uterus is pretty common. No different than being left handed instead or right.

So now the biggest decision we have to make is what financial plan will we agree on. They are very different and have many different (unknown) possible outcomes. Not to mention we still have not met with the new RE in IL.

The biggest deciding factors are: (I hope this makes sense...)

The packaged plan includes 3 fresh IVF cycles and 3 FET's (Frozen embryo transfers). However, if I have extra embryos left over after the FET's WHY NOT JUST USE THOSE AGAIN??? The plan only covers one FET per cycle (Fresh, FET; Fresh, FET; Fresh, FET). But If they harvest and successfully grow more than they put in, they would just freeze them and make me go through a whole new cycle-- $3000 worth of meds and all when they could just try again with another round of FET with the remaining embryos. It just seems stupid to me to go through more money, more painful ER (Egg retrievals), and go under anesthesia again when they could just use the eggs they already have!

Furthermore, if I don't get pregnant until the third IVF cycle, I could have a HUGE number of embryos just SITTING in the deep freeze! What do we do with them then?!?!? My RE says he'd only like to put in ONE embryo at a time (at least for the first round). I could potentially have dozens of frosty babies left over! DH and I have always talked about having only TWO kids. What happens if we have twins? What do we do? What if we have one and then use the "frozens" for FET later down the road for another child--and STILL have tons left over????

I know I'm jumping the gun and thinking of a happy scenario where we get pregnant. But I need to think about ALL the possibilities before we move forward with this.


I know there are many other factors surrounding this. Including what to do with the embryos that could possibly be left over. Donate them to couples? To stem cell research? "Destroy" them? Freeze them until I'm 45? We are at a loss right now. There is a lot of talking that needs to be done before we more ahead with this. Luckily--looks like we've got some time.

ANY SUGGESTIONS? Experiences???

Well, that figures.

I'm going to try and make this as short as possible:

Sunday night I began getting very strong sudden cramps in what felt like my "cervical areas". It started around 8:30pm. I tried to lay in bed to relax. It didn't make anything better. My cramps continued to get worse and closer together. They were like spasms that came between 1-5 minutes apart. I felt like I was having contractions and my cervix was dilating!

At this time, my DH was at a movie with one of our friends. He got home around 10pm and came up to check on me. I told him I'd be okay and that I'd just take another vicodin and try to sleep it off.

Well, about an hour later, he came upstairs after our friend left. I spent the next 2 hours squeezing his hand off. The pain came in waves. It was quite significant. Hovering around a 5 or 6 at the low times and jumping up to 8 and 9 during the spasm. The 2 vicodin weren't even taking the edge off.

DH had finally had enough after 1am. He forced me to go to the ER. I was not happy. I didn't want to go. I was petrified that they would force me into having another pelvic exam and even worse another ultrasound.

Once in the car my cramping temporarily got better only to jump right back as we got closer. DH and I tried to just walk it off a bit before going in. But I finally gave in.

We checked in at the front and then were promptly taken back for the usual blood pressure, temperature, and info gathering. Thankfully, because of my pain level and the shorter wait time, I was able to go straight back into a room.

I changed into the gown and tried to get comfortable. An extremely friendly male nurse came in. He took my blood samples (about 6 of them) and hooked me up for an IV. I really liked this guy. He was one of the better nurses we have ever had there. He began by asking me about why I came in and the whole story. But before, he told us how sorry he was for the ectopic pregnancy. It didn't feel like a routine "I have to say this" kind of apology. We could tell he truly meant it. It was very nice to hear at that moment.

Most of the events that happened after that are a blur. We were so tired (it was now early Monday morning) and the nurse got them to let me have a dose of morphine (4mg) before they did anything else. SO I was a bit loopy.

What I can recall is the doctor finally coming in. I re-explained everything to her. After about 10 minutes of talking it all over, she said she needed to do a pelvic exam and possible ultrasound.

YOU ARE SHITTING ME.

I was not happy. Now I was really pissed at my DH for making me come in. I didn't want to be, but I was. She left and went to get things set up for the pelvic exam. Are you kidding me?!?!? I'm bleeding down there! I'm in massive amounts of pain! And you want to go poking around!?!?! I was really upset.

I told the nurse when he came back in that the pelvic was fine, but there was no way in Hell, I was doing the ultrasound. No way. Seriously.

The doctor came back in for the exam. I hate that damn process. She was poking around for a while and apparently found out I was right! Holy crap-o. My cervix was dilating. It was that pain I was feeling. (Apparently I now know what it feels like to go into labor!)
It is also what happens when a woman is having a miscarriage. My body was simply trying to get rid of the pregnancy and all the "stuff" inside.
While continuing to explore around she called in the head OB doctor to look at something suspicious on my cervix.

So here I am, open for the world to see and she brings in some other guy to check it out. Fun times. He tried to say "Hi" to my DH and I. I told him I'd have to shake his hand later.

They decided to remove the piece of suspicious tissue and send it to the lab. Hopefully, we'll find out what that was in a few days.

She then said that I might need a ultrasound. I flat out told her I wasn't having one. My awesome nurse backed me up. I heart him. :) She said, "okay, your choice".

They came back later with some results from my blood tests. Apparently my HcG had dropped to 92. So the u/s wouldn't even be needed. --This of course didn't matter to me because I wasn't doing it anyways. :) She then said I was pretty much free to leave.

I had one more dose of morphine before they removed the IV. Then, we were on our way. Groggy, but on the way home. We were so glad to find nothing horribly wrong (other than a lot of pain) and to be on the way home--to sleep.



I've been feeling extremely tired and still crampy for the last few days. Not quite myself yet. DH and I fear what might happen next weekend. Hopefully not another trip to the ER. I'm sick of seeing that place.

This Thursday, I have a follow up with my current RE. I haven't seen or talked to him since the IUI July 1st. I will talk to him about my ectopic, the last ER visit, and what he thinks we should do next.

DH and I will have to carefully consider what he says. On the 24th I see my possible new RE in IL. A longer drive for sure but if I'm going to have better care, it's worth it.

Phew. Hopefully this is a quiet week.

I HATE my RE's office.

It's times like this when I want to leave my current RE immediately and go elsewhere.

In fact, I think I might.

Today I was told to go in early for my second beta following the e/p. The nurse said if I went in by 8am they should have no problem receiving the results by 11:30am (when they close--stupidly). The reason that she said they wanted the results TODAY was so if my numbers didn't drop (again), I would need to go in for another set of methotrexate shots at the ER today.

Well guess what. There was plenty of time for the results to come in, but no nurse checked on it or returned my phone calls to give me the f*@king information.

I am seriously pissed. I cleared my plans for the morning so I could go do that, and they don't even have the decency to follow up on what they said they would do. It's not like this is an unimportant thing.

My DH and I have been looking into other RE's. Especially since the time is coming to move onto IVF. If this wasn't the nail in the coffin for my current RE's office, I'm not sure I know what is. F you clinic. As soon as I meet my RE on Thursday, I have a feeling I'm pretty much GONE.

UPDATE:
I stand (or must sit here) at least this one time, with foot implanted in mouth. The nurse called this afternoon, although over three hours after they were supposed to--so what else could I think--they're normally closed. My RE wanted the beta to drop by 15%. Well it's 123 (I think she said), which is about 66%? Right? Anyways, I'll take that to be the first bit of good news I've gotten in a while.

Now I have to go in weekly until my number become negative. Hopefully, by next weekend.

Post e/p Beta #1

The first Beta after the ectopic pregnancy is scheduled for tomorrow.

The hope is my beta will eventually drop to zero (or less) from the methotrexate. Days 4 (tomorrow), 7 and the same for weeks following until it drops. Hopefully they will not have to give me another set of shots or do some other scary sounding thing. But that only needs to be if the numbers don't drop. So as much as I never thought it would be something I would wish for, I hope my numbers are at zero, very soon.

I have had no bleeding yet, but there is still abdominal cramping. I was prescribed some vicodin which helps a lot. But don't take two! I was trippin' out last night! Ha! A bit too much.

My DH and I are feeling like we cope better each day and are ready to get moving on. I am diving head first into all things IVF. Right now I am trying to decide if I want to change RE's or stay where I am for the time being. I cannot get in to see my current RE until August 19th, so it will be a long wait. God, I hope something good develops between now and then,

It's over.

Saturday, July, 24th, 2010.

It began as any other day.

In fact, this day I had no sign of cramping when I awoke around 9am. I ate my healthy breakfast, took my prenatal vitamins and left to go rummaging with my husband and cousins. It was a great time. Looking for kids books, toys, and clothes with them. We found some great deals--including a Grouchella doll. (Oscar's little sister--what a find!)

On the way home, I drove. I began to get slightly nauseous and the cramping began. It got progressively worse as I got closer to home. Once home, I went straight to the rest room.

Spotting. Not bright red, but dark. Alarming.

I called for my DH. I told him.

We laid in bed together wondering what to do. What did it mean???

I've heard talk of cramping and spotting being totally normal and plenty of women go on to deliver normal, healthy babies. But I did not have the same start as many women.

I called my RE. He was not in since it was the weekend, but the other RE was on call. He called me back and basically told me that it could be totally normal and to come see him at 9:30am tomorrow at his office. However, if it got worse, bleeding increased, or if the pain localized to one side, go to the ER.

I laid, sat, and stood around for over an hour. I couldn't sleep. I didn't know what was going on, what do I do?!?!

I finally realized that I could just sit around all day and night wondering--allowing the pain to get worse.

We headed to he ER. Once we got there, they took my vitals and asked a few questions. But I still had to wait.
The waiting room was FULL of weirdos. I mean, FULL. People complaining that they had been there forever, yada, yada, yada.

I was thirsty, but I couldn't drink ANYTHING. They wouldn't let me. I had nothing with me. Not even my magical iphone. My DH had to rub my back, but it was becoming too much. I needed to get in.
We became buddies with the nurse--by being nice--go figure. They took me back to draw an unbelievable amount of blood for testing. AT LEAST 7 of those bottles. Then, it was back out to wait.

DH asked if I could have some pain meds, it pushed us up on the wait. After about an hour, I was in. Room #15, awaiting some answers.

The nurse practitioner came in. She explained a few things and gave me a "wonderful" pelvic exam. She was looking to see if my cervix was open--implying that I was miscarrying. It was closed. Good news.

Then, she insisted that I had to put in a catheter. I HATE CATHETERS. Let me say that again-- I HATE CATHETERS. They needed to use it so they could fill my bladder with a fluid during the ultrasound (u/s) I was about to have. Bah!

I was wheeled up to radiology into a small room. DH stayed with me and held my hand as they filled my bladder with a clear, cold, fluid. WIERD feeling. This allowed her to see the embryo on the screen since my full-bladder would push up the uterus.

She was pressing really hard on my ute. WITH A FULL BLADDER! SUCKY!!! She says something like, "Oh, did you know you have an inverted uterus?" WHAT? Seriously. WTF does that mean??? "Did you ever have cysts?" WHAT????!!! Lady! I'm stressed enough!
It went on for what seemed like hours. She had to of taken at least 50-75 photos.
Then-- the worst came. She put the dildo cam in my lady part! YES! With the catheter still IN!!!
It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. It hurt the worst on the right side--I think because that's where the catheter was laying. I couldn't keep track of time. DH thinks it lasted at least 15-20 minutes. What are they seriously going to do with all of those photos???

They took me back to go 'ol room #15. I had two IV's put in. (One which they never used, the other only put one bag of saline fluid in--pointless).

We waited.

And waited.

Finally, the nurse practitioner came in. "It's ectopic." She says.

After that, I can't remember much else. DH asked if it was for sure. She said it was on my left side. Then, she left. She dropped a bomb on us and left.

All we could do was just cry. We held each other and cried. What else could we do?

A young OB came in with a med student. She looked fresh out of med school. They were in charge of my care for the rest of our time. It was now after 10pm. They explained that right now it sounded like we had a few options:
1. A laparoscopy.
2. A suction procedure--not my preference.
3. A pill, methotrexate.

They then called the RE on call to see what he thought was best based on my results. My BETA was only at a level of 300-something. Not what it should be for over 5 weeks. It told us that even if we didn't try to end the pregnancy, it might have dissolved on it's own. But the risk of my fallopian tube rupturing was far too great.

When they returned, the 12-year old doctor, and the tiny mute med student along her side, they explained that the RE thought the best solution was the methotrexate. It is a chemo drug used to stop cells from dividing. Hopefully then, the pregnancy would end over the next week or two, with a AF-like bleed. They would need to check my beta levels day 4 and 7 of each week until it came back down to zero.

We agreed.

We said goodbye to our little one we had only known for a few weeks, but would remember forever.

Two ladies came in wearing full body protectant aprons. Holding a hazard bag filled with two glowing syringes of yellow liquid. WHAT?!?!? I THOUGHT THIS WAS A PILL? Don't get me wrong, I'm fine with needle shots. I took plenty with all the IF craziness. It was just a sudden change I wasn't told of. And at that point I was NOT up for anymore sudden changes.

But I took both shots. In the rear. Trying to make light of it. Telling each nurse to enjoy the view. Yes, each nurse took a needle and both shots in my ass at the same time. LOL. Seriously, that was kinda funny.

We left the hospital a few minutes after midnight.

The feeling of emptiness, like we now had less than we came in with was overwhelming.

Went headed to Walgreens to pick up the medication I had been prescribed for pain. It was late, I was still in some pain. But we made it. Back home.

It felt strange. All the books we had bought, the pages printed from the internet, now, didn't matter.

SLEEP.




July, 25th, 2010.

I met with the RE on call.

To make this story much shorter, basically I might have PCOS still, I might have an issue with the left tube being blocked, I might have tubes that don't push the embryos down into my uterus, and we can't try again for at least a few months.

So WTF do I do now? Where is my bit of good news?

Our plan is to get through each day. Anxiously awaiting time to try again. But I'm not sure I could do another ectopic pregnancy. I know there is always a chance anytime you become pregnant. But we think our best shot will be to move on to IVF.

Hopefully Late September or October will bring us the beginning of the IVF cycle. But of course, we haven't talked to our RE about this. We need to read up more and decide if this is really the best plan for us.

In the meantime, we grieve the loss of our baby, look into IVF, gather our funds, and try to get on with a normal life.
This is NOT something we are ashamed of. But this is not something we wish to obsess over either. Once the bleeding begins, I will understand how final it is. The time to look forward is coming. We won't look back, and yet we won't forget.