Oh for F*ck Sake!

I'm still recovering from yesterday (and the day before).

So when today hit, I kinda. . . .wanted to throw myself under the train.

. . . . . . . . . .

This morning, we left for a very welcome WEEKEND (insert angel music) visit to the RE. It was the second u/s and blood work test--the first since going on stims (Gonal-F).

When we arrived just after 9 am, we were promptly taken back right away. The first time this as happened, might I add. When the nurse told me to come back, I looked around and actually asked, "Me?"

It wasn't worth rehashing what happened two days ago. So I didn't ramble on when she said they now have all the clearance needed. She took my blood and then sent me in for another ultrasound with the foreign lady.

She is an interesting woman. The first time we met, she went on and on about what a "beautiful uterus" I have. But every time we've met since then, she's been crabby as Hell. DH and I think she must never want to be there.

Anyhow, she did the ultrasound and seemed to roll her eyes as I asked for another print out of my ovaries (this time the left one, see: below).

But what do I care? I feel like we've paid BIG BUCKS for this. So if I want 20 photos a day, I've paid for it.

And then. . .we were done. In and out in twenty minutes. Yet it takes us over two hours to drive there and back. It did feel weird to leave without having to stop at the little payment window. Well, at least it did until we realized we had already paid last visit. I think that amount should cover us for a while. :)

On the way home, I did the mortal sin. Although I stayed vegetarian, I ate breakfast with DH at McDonalds: "The death bin". I have many issues with the animal practices at most fast food restaurants. But we were very hungry and a long way from home. I did enjoy a "Cheese and Egg McGriddle" with greasy hash browns and an OJ. Felt a little sick-- that's what I get.

Once home I anxiously awaited the results of the blood work.

Around 1pm, the RE's office called.

I was expecting, "All good, see you on Tuesday."

I got, "You need to come in every day this week."

WHAT?!?!?

Apparently, I'm "responding too well" to the stims.

What the Hell.

I have a new teaching job, in a new district, which is enough on it's own. Now I need to miss a week? Before I miss for the ER and ET? BAH!

My estrogen levels were at 424. They should be between 150-300. I don't want to get overstimulated and 'kick the bucket' so I know I have to go to these appointments each day.

I am just so sick of everything going wrong over the last few days.

I'm nervous that I'll develop OHSS or have to cancel this cycle.

Hopefully, it's just another bump along this screwed up road of infertility. Next stop? I'm only getting off in "babyland" :)

Tomorrow: Another RE u/s and blood work scheduled. . . Just like the rest of this week. . .

I'm STIMMING!!!

That's right people, I'm on the stimming meds. 225 of Gonal-F each day.

Here's how this all happened:

Thursday, September 30th, I awoke (very) early and headed to the RE. When DH and I got there we waited again for them to call us back. About 15 minutes after our apt time, we were called back. The nurse (not my usual, Sue) said I was missing an approval from my old OBGYN that said it was okay for me to proceed with the IVF cycle.

Apparently, way back over a year ago when I had my last Pap a few abnormal things appeared. I guess not enough to make my Gyno's office tell me about it, because I didn't know until now. Anyway, because of that they needed clearance from the doctor in addition to the report--which I might add was already a fiasco trying to get to them. Funny though, my RE's office saw this last week (9.20) and didn't tell me until the LAST MINUTE. Not to mention my old RE did our first IUI-- if they didn't think I should be pregnant they definatley wouldn't have given me an IUI or clomid 3x.

The nurse said I needed to get that to them TODAY or I couldn't get my stimming instructions for that night by 4pm. Nice. Aren't I supposed to be trying to stay stress-free?

She said she was going to fax them the letter they needed and hoped they'd return it right away, but that I still needed to call myself (again).

After that whole ordeal, we had to try and explain our new insurance. Why our IVF isn't covered even after they had approval from some dumb bitch at Humana. Then, I had to try and explain why we haven't paid two tiny bills because I am still in debate with the insurance company about them. This and then we had to pay them 9,100 dollars.

Then the real fun began.

First, I had my blood drawn so they could check my levels and give me stim instructions. Then, I went in with the foreign lady for my dildo cam apt. Yeah, that's right during my period. Get used to it ladies-- if you're doing IVF, it's just part of the deal.

Anyways, it was a little annoying, but still interesting. Look what the Lupron did!!! I have many a follie now!!!

(ABOVE: My ute and the tiny lining).

(ABOVE: Right ovary pictured, more on the left ovary as well).

Afterwards, we left and headed to breakfast (It was only 8am at this point). We indulged in the usual on-the-way-home stop-- The Cracker Barrel. PANCAKES!!!

When we arrived back in Milwaukee about 9:45am, we needed to take quick powernaps before we headed back to work (teaching) for the afternoon. Problem was I only got a 45-minute nap. This + Christine= CRANKY. Damn kids drove me NUTZ the rest of the day.

Finally, 3 o'clock came. I headed home. NO MESSAGE OF MY STIM INSTRUCTIONS FROM THE RE.

NONE.

So I called and asked if they got anything back from the OBGYN.

First the stupid girl at the front didn't know what I was talking about. I am so sick of having to tell her everything I want to ask the nurse BEFORE I talk to the nurse. Just let me talk to the woman, damnit! Why do I have to give you my life story every time I call?

When the nurse finally answered, she said they hadn't gotten anything from the OB yet and won't be able to give me my stim instructions until they get it.

I FLIPPED.

I went off on her. I bet she wasn't happy she had to take my call. I told her it was utter bullshit that they waited until THE DAY I needed my stim instructions to tell me I needed to get this info from my OBGYN. That if they didn't give the instructions to me regardless of whether they had 'clearance or not', I was going to take 225 units of gonal-F this evening with my 10 units of lupron, like I remember the nurse saying something about last week. I told her we've paid too much damn money and invested too much of our time and effort to f#ck this up because you guys didn't give me adequate time to handle this.

I had enough. I told her I was going to do my best and call the OBGYN and get the stupid fax back to them.

I called. They had to find the fax. FIND IT.

It was sent about 7:30am that morning. It was now 3:50pm. I told the lady, they needed to do this now, or I was screwed. I also mentioned how I was pissed no one told me I had anything abnormal on my last pap, especially since I was someone who had cancerous cells on her cervix that had to be removed within the last 10 years. (At this point, I was pissed about a LOT).

She said she'd find a doctor to sign it and fax it to them.

Not 3 minutes later, she calls back.

Apparently, she said they HAD faxed the letter signed by my doctor last TUESDAY the 28th.

Yep.

The 28th. . .

Mmm, Hmmm.

"Okay." I said. "I'll let them know."

She said she'd fax it again, just in case.

I called back the RE's office. I tried to tell the stupid girl at the front desk they'd already sent the f'n fax two days ago, but she put me on hold before I could even finish my sentence. Ass.

When the nurse answered, she jumped right into, "Okay, we have it--now here's your stims instructions--are you ready? Are you ready!??!!?"

I was so damn anxious to get the damn thing started and be done with the bullshit of cleaning up everyone else's messes, I just said, "Yep! I'm ready--got my pen!!!!"

The plan:

Thursday 9.30: 225 units of Gonal-F--"RIGHT NOW." She said. (Uh, okay). Then 5 units of Lupron and the baby aspirin.

Friday 10.1: 112.5 untis of Gonal-F in the AM. 112.5 units of Gonal-f, 5 units of Lupron, and the baby aspirin in the PM.

Saturday: Same as Friday.

Sunday: No drugs until you see us at 9:10am for your next u/s and blood work.

I also had to order another Gonal-F pen. $780 bucks a pop!

In the meantime, the gonal-F pen it a breeze. Yet, I am still a cranky bastard. I have constant headaches, and my NECK and BACK ARE KILLING ME. I already set-up two massages for the next two weeks.

So there you have it. I feel my posts getting more testy as time passes and medications increase.

Therefore, as a public service announcement to the RE's office: You better have your shit together when I see you next--'cause I'm stimmin'.

Post e/p Beta #1

The first Beta after the ectopic pregnancy is scheduled for tomorrow.

The hope is my beta will eventually drop to zero (or less) from the methotrexate. Days 4 (tomorrow), 7 and the same for weeks following until it drops. Hopefully they will not have to give me another set of shots or do some other scary sounding thing. But that only needs to be if the numbers don't drop. So as much as I never thought it would be something I would wish for, I hope my numbers are at zero, very soon.

I have had no bleeding yet, but there is still abdominal cramping. I was prescribed some vicodin which helps a lot. But don't take two! I was trippin' out last night! Ha! A bit too much.

My DH and I are feeling like we cope better each day and are ready to get moving on. I am diving head first into all things IVF. Right now I am trying to decide if I want to change RE's or stay where I am for the time being. I cannot get in to see my current RE until August 19th, so it will be a long wait. God, I hope something good develops between now and then,

EEK! IUI#3 tomorrow!

Quick update before bed:

I got my LH surge this afternoon! (I tested around 3pm, so not sure what time between 7am and 3 it occured. . . )

Either way, I have my RE apt for IUI#3 tomorrow!!!

DH apt is at 1pm and I head back in at 3pm!

I am excited! Really hoping third time is the charm!

WIsh us luck!!! (GO three eggs!!!. . . GET FERTILIZED AND GROW!!! STICKY EMBABIES!!!)

New look, New cycle.

Sorry for the major delay in posts.

I am now going to give you a list of excuses.

1. End of the school year wrapping up.
2. Beginning a new teaching job.
3. Vacation.
4. Selling a house.
5. Deep down, feeling like I need a break from chats and blogs for a while.

Yep, I felt like I maybe needed to try IUI#2 without too much jabbering about it. Sometimes it's a stress relief, other times, it stresses the Hell out of me. And NO amount of stress is good for trying to make baby.

However, now that I know IUI#2, too, is a BFN (Big Fat Negative), I will recap for those of you playing at home. . .

The IUI was my first at the new RE. To make along story short, When DH went in to make his "deposit" the woman who took us to the room was soooooo bizzare that I'm not sure if I could ever really explain her.
She began by explaining in her VERY fast high pitched voice how she was sorry she was late (45 minutes) that she gets lost all the time and that even her younger daughter has to tell her how to find her way around. She was about 40 years old, skinny, had braces, and was the biggest boner-killer --EVER.

Inside the room, they supplied much more than the OB's office. She explained not only did they have a TV with VHS and DVD player, they had "The cabinet 'o porn". When she finally left, I began to poke around. . . Inside was a stack of magazines : Playboy (with a UFC ring girl on the cover), Low Rider (for the more bashful types), and some DIRTY A$$ girl-on-girl action editions. Yep. But that's not all folks! They also had the DVD and VHS collection. . . the names fail me now but I do remember that the VHS was "volume 12" of 'something or other'. Blech.

Thankfully, we needed none of that and DH had 24 million post wash.

Around 10:30 I went in for the IUI. (Scheduled for 9:45am, they were late-- AGAIN). The nurse asked me if I minded if the med student that was shadowing my RE could "come in". I said, "Sure, why not."
When my RE and the doc-in-training came in I thought nothing of it. I was back in the stirrups again, ready to go. But then she sits down in the chair, NOT my RE.

WHAT?!?!? WTF!?!?! I paid the SAME price (800 bucks!) to have this TRAINEE do this?!?!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? That is NOT what the nurse said! "Can she come in" is NOT the same as "This chick who still doesn't know what the F#%$ she is doing is going to stick this up your uterus!" NOT. THE. SAME.

But being shocked doesn't put me into action. So this chick did the procedure. Uncomfortable as always and now second guessing how 'accurate this has been'.

Clearly, this whole scenario didn't pan-out the way I was hoping.

Yesterday, I got up in the AM on CD28. I POAS and waited. The brightest SINGLE pink line shows up. I had been feeling crampy for a few days but not as strong as it has been in the past, so I figured I had a decent shot.

I can't blame this on the Trainee, or my RE, or myself. It's just the way it went last cycle.

Onto cycle 12.
At the end of this cycle, we will have been trying for a year. Both with medical help and without. I'm not exactly sure what the next step will be. I remember when we first visited my new RE, he mentioned we would think about moving onto IVF after IUI#3. Well, this cycle IS IUI#3. . . does that mean I am staring IVF/ZIFT right in the face? I'm hoping my RE will give me the tests that are normally done on CD3. He has never done any, yet questions the results from my OBGYN. Strange.

All I know is I feel like I'm doing what I can to get this baby to make it's first appearance in my UTE. IVF is a scary thought, both monetarily, physically, and emotionally. Not to mention the lengthy amount of time it takes. I hope this summer brings me a stress-free pregnancy. But just-in-case, I've begun reading "The Complete Book of International Adoption". One can never be too prepared. . .

Updates when I hear 'em.

IUI # 2--In the AM.

Last night, I checked my LH levels again.
To me, it seems obvious, that you may check your LH at 7am on Tuesday with no surge to be found. However, 20 minutes later you could be in business. But you wouldn't find out until the next day if you only check in the morning. Going by that--I could be a day late.

So hommie no play that.

I checked last night around 10:00pm and low and behold SURGE! Big smiley face. I ran in to show DH because it is the first time a stick has ever read good news for us. Why not get excited?

This all means that tomorrow (Thursday) at 8:00am DH goes in to toss some more swimmers in a cup. 9:45am I'm back laying down with my feet in the stirrups. (Not the most romantic way to make a baby--but I'm way over that now.)

It's the second try for IUI, but the first at my new RE's office. So after three rounds of clomid, and two IUI's we are hoping for a miracle. I'm also checking into an acupuncturist but more on that later.

Updates tomorrow after the procedure. I'll be lounging around for the afternoon, so I'll have plenty of time to write my blog and chat in the IF chatroom.

Toss some baby dust on us and wish us super sperm!

Didn't even get to POAS.

BFN. BFFN.

I was so looking forward to peeing on that stick tomorrow. I have been so anxious this cycle. I thought the IUI was our "cure". We were hoping my CM (Cervical mucus) was hostile as Hell. We prayed that the green ninjas were kicking ass in the entry way of my baby house. Therefore, the IUI would bypass them and drop those swimmers off right at the egg. Presto embryo.

Apparently not.

My cramps actually woke me up out of a dead sleep at 1:30am. I couldn't get to sleep until 1600mg of ibuprofen knocked me out an hour later. I knew what I felt yesterday morning were cramps!
I'm bummed to say the very least. I think I've gotten to the point where crying doesn't really occur to me anymore. I feel almost numb with the whole ordeal. Do I not care? Am I just subconsciously protecting myself? Am I holding back the floodgates waiting for the BFP? I'm not sure I will know until that day comes. All I know, is that I am sick of waitin'--and there's definitely no "patiently" about it.

So now what?
Now I have to go back to my new RE that I'm not so happy with after our first meeting. Not only did my DH and I wait an hour after our apt. time, but we left feeling like we were part of a drive by. First, he boldly declared upon first meeting me, that my OBGYN (Whom I've been with for about 15 years) was wrong about my PCOS diagnosis and that I don't have it--WITHOUT TESTING ME AT ALL. He declared it sounds more like endometriosis. Then, he said that I should go off Metformin--WITHOUT TESTING ME AT ALL. Then, said that we should just "try on our own" for two months so we could get to the "magical one year mark". Then, he contradicted himself by saying we should do two more rounds of IUI and then go to IVF.

Oh, and did I mention how he spent most of the time implying how I am overreacting and being worried for nothing? Yeah. He made me feel like I had no idea what I was talking about and that I've basically wasted my time and money worrying about this. I assume that also means he must have thought I was wasting his time as well. Ironic since he wasted an hour of our time before we were called back to see him.

So where do I go from here? What do I do?

I don't know. I suppose I'm going to call the RE office and have them send my Rx for Clomid and HcG again. Then do the u/s (Ultrasound) and hope for a good follie or two. IUI? I suppose, unless he changes his mind again.
I'm just frustrated and bummed out. My new (VERY EXPENSIVE) RE isn't supportive, but I don't know where else to go.

What I do know is, I'm taking tomorrow off. (Gotta pregnant high school student in class--can't stand to face her tomorrow).

It's time for a Pro.

After much debate and research, I've decided.

I'm headed to the Reproductive Endocrinologist. (RE)

My gut (no pun intended) has been telling me to go see the expert instead of my OBGYN for a long time. I think that the possibility (If I'm not prego by the weekend) that things are not going to progress "normally" is what is causing me to make the switch. (Other than waiting for distant appointment times, long waits in the doctor, different doctors each time, etc etc etc). The next step was supposed to be IUI. I'll leave that to the experts, thank you.

I think I am going to be much happier with a place that is dedicated to my problems instead of a place that is juggling a million types of appointments and I'm fighting or one of them.

Hopefully, I can get in before the beginning of the next cycle.

Dun, dun, duuuuunnnnn!!!!

Yep, tomorrow's the day.

For all teacher's it is exciting. SPRING BREAK begins with the ringing of the last bell. But the best part is my three month "Just keep trying" period is OVER. Let me say that again, O-V-E-R. Tomorrow, I will get my Rx for clomid (AKA:clomiphene citrate).

I have to say though. After chatting with some extremely helpful women in "The Bump" chat room for infertility, I am less nervous in some respects, while more curious in others.

For example: I think I will save myself 60 dollars each month and go with the generic version of clomid, because, not only is it a lot of money initially (we're talking 80 bucks for 5 pills!), but if I have to bump it up to 100mg or 150mg. . . .that's A LOT of shoe money I'm saving.

Secondly, I am prepared for the night sweats. Not only do I have three, count 'em, three sets of sheets waiting in the wings, I also have the spare bed ready for my DH if it gets "too damp". However, perhaps this won't be so bad . . . .HA! There's always dreaming, right?

Lastly, I am "curious" as to how much of a raging bitch I will turn into after I've been on this for a while. I like to think most days I can be rather chill. However, I do know my Croatian temper can sometimes get the best of me---and my husband. I don't know if he is "curious" so much as scared shitless.

So I will keep you posted. I'm also in the market for a good RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hopefully, that will soothe any question I have about my OBGYN's advice.

ON TILL MORNING.