So get this shit.

Today was my first meeting with the new RE.

At noon, we drove an hour into another state to get there. Once we arrived we headed into the ultrasound room for another appointment with the dildo cam. A lady with one of the thickest accents I have ever heard introduced herself (I think?) and did the procedure. It was a lengthy u/s. It lasted at least 20 minutes, during which she told us I had a "beautiful uterus . . .just beuatiful". That was about the last good news we heard that day. She told me it looked like my blockage was in my right tube, not my left. I told her my ectopic was on the left side-- I was sure of it. She said she didn't see anything in my left tube, but the right side definitely had something in it, a mass of fluid.

After we completed the u/s, blood pressure, weight and height check, we sat in the waiting room . . . and sat. . . and finally I asked if we were going to have to wait another 30 minutes past our appointment time.

Eventually they took us back to see the new RE. He's an interesting guy. Kind of a smart-ass and not easily impressed--unless you have statistics to show him. He discussed my u/s photos with us. He began by telling me how I have a hydrosalpinx or "hydro" in my right tube. (See above: Third picture from the bottom on the left). Basically this means my right tube is most likely blocked from receiving follicles from my right ovary. Not only that, but he also said (and I have also read) that even though we "bypass" the tubes with an IVF, if this is not treated before the IVF procedure if can lessen the chances of getting pregnant from IVF. IN addition if I do become pregnant from IVF the "hyrdo" fluid my leak into my uterus (since the blockage won't let it out the other end like it is supposed to) and harm the developing fetus, causing miscarriage.

FUCKING GREAT.

He suggested I should (without actually saying "I need to") have another HSG to see if in fact fluid is getting through as it was in January. If there is no blockage, I should be fine. If there is a proven blockage, he said I need to have a laparoscopyto either clear the blockage or "better yet" remove the whole tube. . . . . . . What? Here is my Re's explanation of the process.

Not only do I not want to have any of my organs removed, go through another painful HSG (or pay for one), or have a painful laparoscopy procedure that can cost up to $27,000-- I don't have time time to even take off for any of these procedures! Especially the 2-3 weeks off he recommends after the lap! I am starting a new job at a school. Teachers can't just take weeks off.

This is insane. I just want to get to the point where we are making progress. I am sick of falling into a new hole every time I try and move onto the next step. I am sick, tired, and sick and tired of being sick and tired. I haven;t felt like myself since the beginning of JULY!

I feel depressed. For the first time in this whole journey, I feel like I'm losing hope. I don;t know if I can see the light at the end of this tunnel anymore. Before, I felt hopeful almost happy about the experience. Telling myself, "This will make me so much happier when we finally have our baby . . . blah, blah, blah."
Now, I'm not sure if we will ever have our own biological child.

On the way home from the RE apt, I told my DH, "Maybe we should just adopt."

And I was serious.

I'm not sure how much more disappointment I can take. I haven't even begun the IVF process and I'm already discouraged. That's not a good sign. I just want this so damn badly my head is making me think crazy. I feel like I cry at the drop of a hat the last few days. DH and I got into an argument the other day and I pretty much snapped. I really don't know if this is something an IF therapist is really going to make me feel any better about. Maybe the planned acupuncture will help?


All we can think to do is call my old RE and see if he will do an HSG with sedation. He had discussed with us on Aug 5th that we should do that if we wanted to continue with IUI's. He also said he gives patients some kind of pain relief (sedation, meds?) to help and he doesn't know why all doc's don't do that for the procedure. I agree completely. If he gives sedation with the procedure, I will have one with him and see if anything is blocked or not.

If it isn't blocked we move onto IVF at the new RE without a worry. Most likely doing the 100% money back plan.

If my tube or tubes are blocked we will try one IVF and FET cycle OOP (out of pocket without a "shared risk" plan) at the new RE hoping and praying to get a BPF and successful delivery.

If we do the IVF and FET cycle and no baby, . . .we will see what we want to do when we get to it. Perhaps a lap to remove the blockage/ hydro/ and possible endometriosis. Then, we hope to be able to try again.

I am somewhere around ovulation right now. I have one follicle (good size about 18+) on my left side. But I am afraid to try again "naturally". What if my fears are right and both tubes are shot? I don't think I could handle another ectopic pregnancy.

So I wait for AF to return for the first time since June. When she's here, I will have to do CD3 tests, and a possible HSG.

Good God, what have I gotten us into?

Didn't even get to POAS.

BFN. BFFN.

I was so looking forward to peeing on that stick tomorrow. I have been so anxious this cycle. I thought the IUI was our "cure". We were hoping my CM (Cervical mucus) was hostile as Hell. We prayed that the green ninjas were kicking ass in the entry way of my baby house. Therefore, the IUI would bypass them and drop those swimmers off right at the egg. Presto embryo.

Apparently not.

My cramps actually woke me up out of a dead sleep at 1:30am. I couldn't get to sleep until 1600mg of ibuprofen knocked me out an hour later. I knew what I felt yesterday morning were cramps!
I'm bummed to say the very least. I think I've gotten to the point where crying doesn't really occur to me anymore. I feel almost numb with the whole ordeal. Do I not care? Am I just subconsciously protecting myself? Am I holding back the floodgates waiting for the BFP? I'm not sure I will know until that day comes. All I know, is that I am sick of waitin'--and there's definitely no "patiently" about it.

So now what?
Now I have to go back to my new RE that I'm not so happy with after our first meeting. Not only did my DH and I wait an hour after our apt. time, but we left feeling like we were part of a drive by. First, he boldly declared upon first meeting me, that my OBGYN (Whom I've been with for about 15 years) was wrong about my PCOS diagnosis and that I don't have it--WITHOUT TESTING ME AT ALL. He declared it sounds more like endometriosis. Then, he said that I should go off Metformin--WITHOUT TESTING ME AT ALL. Then, said that we should just "try on our own" for two months so we could get to the "magical one year mark". Then, he contradicted himself by saying we should do two more rounds of IUI and then go to IVF.

Oh, and did I mention how he spent most of the time implying how I am overreacting and being worried for nothing? Yeah. He made me feel like I had no idea what I was talking about and that I've basically wasted my time and money worrying about this. I assume that also means he must have thought I was wasting his time as well. Ironic since he wasted an hour of our time before we were called back to see him.

So where do I go from here? What do I do?

I don't know. I suppose I'm going to call the RE office and have them send my Rx for Clomid and HcG again. Then do the u/s (Ultrasound) and hope for a good follie or two. IUI? I suppose, unless he changes his mind again.
I'm just frustrated and bummed out. My new (VERY EXPENSIVE) RE isn't supportive, but I don't know where else to go.

What I do know is, I'm taking tomorrow off. (Gotta pregnant high school student in class--can't stand to face her tomorrow).

I feel like my gut hates me.

Over the last few days my LH has hit the roof. Luckily, I ovulated. Sweet.

Apparently, the CBE monitor says I was at "high" or "peak" fertility for 4-5 days. Goodness. We'll see how accurate that is after the 2WW. (Two week wait).

Now . . . I have felt like my stomach HATES me for the last few days. Pretty much since the first day of ovulation. It just feels like there's a lot of pressure and movement. Not sure what the heck that even means? I can't quite figure out if it's all in my head, I have a never ending hidden gas bubble, or if something is actually happening--baby style. I mean, how the Hell would I know? Anyone have any thoughts???

Either way, I haven't drank any alcohol (Sigh . . .) or eaten too many crappy things this month in anticipation of good news.

I can only hope. . . .

In addition to this I got an "informational sheet" in the mail from my GYN. It's all about artificial insemination using my man's sperm.

Goodness Lord.

If I wasn't dying to be pregnant before this--now the pressure is on. Not only does it sound extremely unpleasant. (i.e.: Contracting an infection of the uterus or pelvic organs--Nice.) But is costs $550.00 each try. They recommend doing this at least 6 times. THAT'S $3,300!!! Holy S#*^! Yeah . . . insurance doesn't cover a dime. Apparently not even the HSG I had done a week ago. They're so slimy.

It's going to be a long two weeks! Anyone have any good ways to pass the time????

Another step in the right direction. . .

There she is . . . ain't she a bute!

Today, I embarked on a new, frightening, and yes painful journey. The beauty of it is that it was the last time I will have to go down this road. The time for my Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) had arrived.


Last night I laid in bed tossing and turning . . . I believe it was after 2:30am by the time I finally passed out. I was nervous, anxious, excited. . . and terrified. Was ONE Xanax really going to be enough???
During the night I awoke several times, for the first time hoping that my day off would come to an end so that this could all be behind me.

But before I knew it, the alarm was sounding and I had to drag myself into the cold shower. Yea, I figured I'd be considerate and shave my legs for the people that were going to put me in excruciating pain. Why not?

Around 9:30am my 'DH' as they call 'em on the chats (Darling Husband) took me to a much welcomed breakfast. I had a combo of blueberry flax pancakes and french toast. Sat really well with the 2 cups of joe, 2 alieve, and my one lonely Xanax.

We arrived at the hospital bellies full of food and butterflies, following the "blue dots" all the way to Radiology. Once there we were greeted by the extremely nice nurses and staff. I went in and changed into three layers of this crazy robe-like thing with three sleeves. (Thankfully, there was a diagram on the wall that showed me how to put the darn thing on).

Okay. . . questions asked. . . yes it will hurt. . . no I can't get another Xanax. . . balloon inflates. . . watch the TV screen . . .look at the dye shoot into your innards where it doesn't belong. . .

. . . . Oh yes. . . the doctor is stuck with another patient. . . and 'No.' we don't know how long it will take. . . CRAP.

Two magazines later, I'm finally called back. (Pretty sure that itty, bitty, Xanax has worn off--so I took two more Alieve).
I walk into a room with the big table with X-ray hovering over me. Lay down and prepare to be violated.

(Note: from here out I'll spare you the details. The short version is below). . . .

Things in my cervix and uterus that SHOULD NOT BE.
Inflate that thing even bigger now--that part SUCKS.
Not shoot 5,000cc's of clear x-ray liquid into your tubes . . .at this point you say, "F the TV monitor!!!!"

Then, as soon as it began it's over.

My husband was surprised to see me back so soon. . . complete with my schnazzy CD of X-Ray pics!

Verdict: All tubes clear. WoOoOoOo HoOoOo!!!

What's next?: Coming soon . . . .