So get this shit.

Today was my first meeting with the new RE.

At noon, we drove an hour into another state to get there. Once we arrived we headed into the ultrasound room for another appointment with the dildo cam. A lady with one of the thickest accents I have ever heard introduced herself (I think?) and did the procedure. It was a lengthy u/s. It lasted at least 20 minutes, during which she told us I had a "beautiful uterus . . .just beuatiful". That was about the last good news we heard that day. She told me it looked like my blockage was in my right tube, not my left. I told her my ectopic was on the left side-- I was sure of it. She said she didn't see anything in my left tube, but the right side definitely had something in it, a mass of fluid.

After we completed the u/s, blood pressure, weight and height check, we sat in the waiting room . . . and sat. . . and finally I asked if we were going to have to wait another 30 minutes past our appointment time.

Eventually they took us back to see the new RE. He's an interesting guy. Kind of a smart-ass and not easily impressed--unless you have statistics to show him. He discussed my u/s photos with us. He began by telling me how I have a hydrosalpinx or "hydro" in my right tube. (See above: Third picture from the bottom on the left). Basically this means my right tube is most likely blocked from receiving follicles from my right ovary. Not only that, but he also said (and I have also read) that even though we "bypass" the tubes with an IVF, if this is not treated before the IVF procedure if can lessen the chances of getting pregnant from IVF. IN addition if I do become pregnant from IVF the "hyrdo" fluid my leak into my uterus (since the blockage won't let it out the other end like it is supposed to) and harm the developing fetus, causing miscarriage.

FUCKING GREAT.

He suggested I should (without actually saying "I need to") have another HSG to see if in fact fluid is getting through as it was in January. If there is no blockage, I should be fine. If there is a proven blockage, he said I need to have a laparoscopyto either clear the blockage or "better yet" remove the whole tube. . . . . . . What? Here is my Re's explanation of the process.

Not only do I not want to have any of my organs removed, go through another painful HSG (or pay for one), or have a painful laparoscopy procedure that can cost up to $27,000-- I don't have time time to even take off for any of these procedures! Especially the 2-3 weeks off he recommends after the lap! I am starting a new job at a school. Teachers can't just take weeks off.

This is insane. I just want to get to the point where we are making progress. I am sick of falling into a new hole every time I try and move onto the next step. I am sick, tired, and sick and tired of being sick and tired. I haven;t felt like myself since the beginning of JULY!

I feel depressed. For the first time in this whole journey, I feel like I'm losing hope. I don;t know if I can see the light at the end of this tunnel anymore. Before, I felt hopeful almost happy about the experience. Telling myself, "This will make me so much happier when we finally have our baby . . . blah, blah, blah."
Now, I'm not sure if we will ever have our own biological child.

On the way home from the RE apt, I told my DH, "Maybe we should just adopt."

And I was serious.

I'm not sure how much more disappointment I can take. I haven't even begun the IVF process and I'm already discouraged. That's not a good sign. I just want this so damn badly my head is making me think crazy. I feel like I cry at the drop of a hat the last few days. DH and I got into an argument the other day and I pretty much snapped. I really don't know if this is something an IF therapist is really going to make me feel any better about. Maybe the planned acupuncture will help?


All we can think to do is call my old RE and see if he will do an HSG with sedation. He had discussed with us on Aug 5th that we should do that if we wanted to continue with IUI's. He also said he gives patients some kind of pain relief (sedation, meds?) to help and he doesn't know why all doc's don't do that for the procedure. I agree completely. If he gives sedation with the procedure, I will have one with him and see if anything is blocked or not.

If it isn't blocked we move onto IVF at the new RE without a worry. Most likely doing the 100% money back plan.

If my tube or tubes are blocked we will try one IVF and FET cycle OOP (out of pocket without a "shared risk" plan) at the new RE hoping and praying to get a BPF and successful delivery.

If we do the IVF and FET cycle and no baby, . . .we will see what we want to do when we get to it. Perhaps a lap to remove the blockage/ hydro/ and possible endometriosis. Then, we hope to be able to try again.

I am somewhere around ovulation right now. I have one follicle (good size about 18+) on my left side. But I am afraid to try again "naturally". What if my fears are right and both tubes are shot? I don't think I could handle another ectopic pregnancy.

So I wait for AF to return for the first time since June. When she's here, I will have to do CD3 tests, and a possible HSG.

Good God, what have I gotten us into?

Another step in the right direction. . .

There she is . . . ain't she a bute!

Today, I embarked on a new, frightening, and yes painful journey. The beauty of it is that it was the last time I will have to go down this road. The time for my Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) had arrived.


Last night I laid in bed tossing and turning . . . I believe it was after 2:30am by the time I finally passed out. I was nervous, anxious, excited. . . and terrified. Was ONE Xanax really going to be enough???
During the night I awoke several times, for the first time hoping that my day off would come to an end so that this could all be behind me.

But before I knew it, the alarm was sounding and I had to drag myself into the cold shower. Yea, I figured I'd be considerate and shave my legs for the people that were going to put me in excruciating pain. Why not?

Around 9:30am my 'DH' as they call 'em on the chats (Darling Husband) took me to a much welcomed breakfast. I had a combo of blueberry flax pancakes and french toast. Sat really well with the 2 cups of joe, 2 alieve, and my one lonely Xanax.

We arrived at the hospital bellies full of food and butterflies, following the "blue dots" all the way to Radiology. Once there we were greeted by the extremely nice nurses and staff. I went in and changed into three layers of this crazy robe-like thing with three sleeves. (Thankfully, there was a diagram on the wall that showed me how to put the darn thing on).

Okay. . . questions asked. . . yes it will hurt. . . no I can't get another Xanax. . . balloon inflates. . . watch the TV screen . . .look at the dye shoot into your innards where it doesn't belong. . .

. . . . Oh yes. . . the doctor is stuck with another patient. . . and 'No.' we don't know how long it will take. . . CRAP.

Two magazines later, I'm finally called back. (Pretty sure that itty, bitty, Xanax has worn off--so I took two more Alieve).
I walk into a room with the big table with X-ray hovering over me. Lay down and prepare to be violated.

(Note: from here out I'll spare you the details. The short version is below). . . .

Things in my cervix and uterus that SHOULD NOT BE.
Inflate that thing even bigger now--that part SUCKS.
Not shoot 5,000cc's of clear x-ray liquid into your tubes . . .at this point you say, "F the TV monitor!!!!"

Then, as soon as it began it's over.

My husband was surprised to see me back so soon. . . complete with my schnazzy CD of X-Ray pics!

Verdict: All tubes clear. WoOoOoOo HoOoOo!!!

What's next?: Coming soon . . . .

The Conception Craze.

There are hundreds, thousands, dare I say--Millions of magazines and books out there on one topic that I so desperately want to know everything about. . . how to make a baby.

Now don't think me nieve. I know how it is supposed to be done, but more often than most people think, it's not as simple as all those unwed 14 year olds make it look.

I've read more books and magazines specializing in pregnancy and conception than I can count.
I've watched the TV shows, walked through the baby stores, and picked out clothes for other people's children.
I day dream about what color the nursury will be, the theme for the decor, and the way I will organize the closet.

I have also read the adoption books, applied to adoption agencies, and looked into donor eggs.

Why?

Because for me, it seems, wanting a baby simply isn't enough.

I'm 26 years old, happily married with a house, two cats, and money in the bank. I have a great job as a high school art teacher, stick to a vegetarian (mostly organic) diet, and enjoy time spent with my rather large and happily obnoxious croatian family.

I have also lived with PCOS for as long as I can remember.

Like most young girls, I spent most of my early teens trying to figure out what was going on with my body. As soon as I turned 11 and AF began, my body became a magnet for sugar and carbs--and that magnetic pull lead right to my ass.

I began to gain weight each year, my skin was a mess (Three rounds of Acutane didn't even help), strange hairs began popping up on the side of my face, my skin became blotchy near my arms and shoulders. Have I mentioned how much I crave carbs?

And every month before and during the arrival of good 'ol AF, I would buckle-over in pain. So much so I usually missed out on two days of "life" every month, laying in the dark with a hot water bottle on my ever-expanding gut.

I had always thought I was unlucky enough to have a lot of unrelated symptoms. Until one day.

With the arrival of the internet my freshman year in high school, I came across a website describing an illness that I fit every symptom--PCOS. I asked my GYN about it many times, but I don't ever remember getting a straight answer. I think sometimes doctors assume you "read too much" and get ideas in your head. But there was nothing hypochondriac-like about this. I was convinced I knew my own body.

Years later, in my early 20's, after a horrible experience with an abnormal pap, a Colposcopy without pain medication (I strongly advise getting 20 Xanax before), and years going untreated, I decided to take measures into my own hands. I read everything I could on PCOS and the best at-home treatments. When I went to see my GYN I began to carry on conversations as if she had already told me I had been diagnosed. Until one day, to my shock and surprise, she mentioned how she had diagnosed me with PCOS years before. I could've jumped across the room and choked her. When the Hell was she going to let me in on that????

Either way, that was all the ammo I needed to get the ball rolling. After reading many books and websites, I found an absolute gem, "A Patient's Guide to PCOS: Understanding--and Reversing--Polycystic Ovary Syndrome" by Walter Futterweit MD. Among the invaluable chapters of information, I found I was a perfect candidate for the pill, metformin. A pill which would allow my insulin be better absorbed.

As part of my PCOS, I am also insulin resistant. This basically means my body makes insulin, but not the receptors to allow it to be absorbed (or the sugar) into my body so it may be broken down. This explains why that sugar and carb thing is a huge issue to my weight problem.

I also went to see an Endocrinologist who specialized in PCOS. (I just needed that second opinion). She and my doctor gave me a bunch to tests and onto the wonderful Metformin I went. I'm currently up to 2000 mg/ day. It's a lot of pills everyday, but worth it.



So what does all this mean and why am I talking about receptors and insulin when I'm trying to make a baby?



It's all connected. One of the major symptoms of PCOS is difficulty becoming pregnant. Sometimes complete infertility.

BUT I HAVE HOPE!

So my friends, this is my journey.

Currently, We have been trying since August 2009 and no baby. No need to panic yet, but as you will find, I like to read up on everything and be a s prepared for the next step as possible. We have been testing ovulation each month and pin-pointing exactly when ovulation occurs using the expensive (but hopefully worth it) Clear Blue Easy ovulation monitor .

Since it's been five months of nada, we visted my GYN again. She suggested a few tests:

My husband just underwent a SA and yesterday we found all things are apparently normal on his end.

(Side note to all the women: You will find all the men's tests are mainly pain-free. Ours. . . well they suck. He was in and out of his test before my blood was even drawn for a liver screen.)

This Monday, I will head to radiology at the local hospital for a hysterosalpingogram. Yep, that is one word. (Try pronouncing it to your insurance company over the phone). What they basically do is look at your uterus and fallopian tubes via X-ray by injecting a dye into the areas they want to see. This can check for abnormalities and will make sure your tubes aren't blocked. In addition, it should clear out any odd materials in there and can increase chance of pregnancy over the next few cycles.

Sounds good and all, but I'm still a little terrified to be honest. Last time my GYN poked around and did the biopsy I was NOT happy. So this time I made sure to ask for the Xanax. Simply put: Cross your fingers for me. I'll update after the surgery, most likely to say it was no big deal.


My goal in writing this blog is to connect with other women (or men) who are going through or have come out on the other side of the conception mountain. Whether you struggle with PCOS, HPV, Endometriosis, or other fertility issues it's good to have a support system. While my husband continues to be an ever-present support for me, I know there are women who can share their wealth of knowledge. Perhaps together, we can find a roadmap through this vast array of information (the good and the bad) about something that many couples take for granted.

Throughout my journey, you will hear about my ups and downs in my own personal conception craze. I hope it can shed a little light, and humor, on this far too often emotional and isolating situation.