Uh, can we say excitement?

I called the nurse today to say I was interested in finding out when I could get my calendar started for my FET.

Before I could practically finish my sentence-- she's telling me to begin using the OPK on Friday (CD10) and then 8 days later I'm going to start Lupron!

Holy crap-o!

At that pace my estimated FET could land on Valentines Day! :)

Either way, I still need to double check with my RE to make sure that is HIS plan, too. While the surgeon (last night at my post lap apt) and the nurse seem to think it is a "go", I'd like to double check.

Either way, it was way more excitement than I thought I would have today!

In other news, I got my photos from the lap. They're kinda gross if you ask me, but I'm adding tab at the top if you'd like to see them. If not-- well, they're hidden away from view. I thought it might be a little much to post them right on this post! :)

Additionally, DH and I foster for the Humane society and tomorrow get our first foster kitten group of the year! We haven't had one since last Spring since we have been trying to sell our home. But since we've recently taken it off the market and the holidays are over, we're going to try to foster a few more groups before we're up for sale with a new agent. . .Yes, three kittens that are one month old. Control yourselves. Pictures soon to come :)

Ready to get the follow up.

Jesus of Nazareth.

I got AF a few days ago and she came with a furry from Hell.

If I am to die from this blood loss, please remember me fondly.

I am interested to meet with the surgeon (partner of my usual RE) on Monday to see what the results were from the surgery. To here first hand from him what he thought and how I'm doing now.

The tinges and pains are getting less. One vicodin was all I needed to relieve the cramps on Wednesday. That was a surprise seeing as that it followed the surgery.

My next thoughts turn towards the upcoming FET. When I will begin the process is unsure until I meet with my actual RE. I'm hoping the surgeon can give me some idea. 8 weeks exactly will be February 16th. But I wonder if they will need to get rolling with the schedule before that since I am also due for my next visit from AF the beginning of February. Perhaps they will wait until the following cycle if they plan on using BCP???

The FET thing is new for me despite all the IVF things I've gone through. What I do know is that it will be much easier and shorter than the UVF cycle--hopefully also with better results!

In other news, I am on day 6 of my cleanse. I am down 8.8 pounds as of this morning. I find it hard to believe that I enjoy getting up a few minutes earlier every morning to have one of my smoothies--but I think it could be the novelty of using my brand new vitamix. It's pretty sweet!

My goal was to lose 10 pounds per month getting me down to my goal of 30 pounds by April.

At this pace it would be this month--but being realistic-- the first few pounds always fly off--it keeping them off and getting down to the real fat that takes the time.

NEW GOALS:

January: Lose 15.8 pounds. Down to 165 by February 1st. (I need to lose 7 more pounds in 3 weeks).

February: Lose 7 pounds. Down to 158-- my lowest point during last year.

March: Lose 8 pounds. Down to 150-- a weight I haven't seen in almost 10 years!

It's going to be hard.

Going back onto medications for the FET will cause my body to go a little crazy.

More bed-rest for the FET, school work increasing, not being able to workout from the surgery/FET. . . and sticking to the vegan, low-carb, low-sugar cleanse. . . . for three months. . . that is worth some serious clothes shopping!

*** The day I fit into my size 8 skirt I bought a few months ago-- I'll throw a party. I bought it a size too small because it was cute and on clearance, thinking I'd lose a few more pounds instead of gaining 15. When that happens, I'll post a pic.

Until then I'll continue to get the body healthy and in shape for baby-growing. Because really, that is the goal, people. That is the goal.

Keep track of my weight loss on the ticker to the right of my page below my IF history. I update it everyday. Start your own ticker here.

My wish for 2011. . .

I wish us all a better and more hopefull 2011.

There were many difficult things DH and I went through in 2010.

I begin the year with clomid and HcG shots. Timing our "intercourse" so that the romance became non-existent.

We moved on to IUI's and a new "Reproductive Endocrinologist"--whatever that is.

We finally became pregnant in July only to find out is was ectopic and had to be terminated. That was something I never wanted to go through again. I was very thankful it was during Summer vacation.

I began a new job-- and soon found out it may not be the one for me.

I started the process of IVF and moved to another RE in another state.

DH and I did the shots, the daily hour drive, the monitoring, the poking, the hoping and the praying. Our IVF was positive! But the number's weren't great. And we soon had to terminated another ectopic pregnancy-- this time without the comfort of staying at home on Summer break.

There were days I cried at the drop of a hat. I cried when DH left me for work-- I cried because I had to go to work. I nearly quit my job.

I've gained 20 pounds since May. All the hard work I put in to losing the weight before baby had come back on during my quest to have one pregnancy that lasts.

And now, I've ended the year by having a laparoscopy to remove any endometriosis and disconnect/burn both fallopian tubes. I'm now completely at the mercy of IVF and my RE.

I now count the days until February 16th, 2011--exactly 8 weeks after my surgery. The day I can begin FET#1. We have one perfect little snowbaby waiting for us along with three others that still look pretty damn good.

I can't thank you all enough for following me on this journey. Your kind words of compassion and encouragement really mean a lot to me. It keeps me blogging-- keeps me documenting this experience that sometimes feels like no one else understands. But we are not alone. An estimated 90-million, yes million, couples struggle with infertility across the world. 90 million couples who want what the rest of the world sometimes take for granted-- a chance to raise a biological child of their own.

While we may not have had all of our dreams come true this year, next year is another fresh start-- another chance to hope.

DH and I will go through more treatments this year; beginning our first FET cycle. While we hope that in FET we will finally find success, we are also preparing to begin the adoption process in July. In July we will be married three years. Korean adoption requires a thee year marriage minimum for all interested couples and we will finally meet that requirement.

Thank you all for sharing your struggles with me as well. Some of you I know from the "bump" chat and some of you have found me from other sources and blogs. My wish for you is to find the joy, happiness, and hope that you deserve! That your miracle will come in 2011 as well. After all "11" IS my lucky number.

As my cousin (who's a riot) said to me the other day...

"If you take "2011" and turn a "1" on its side on-top of the other "1"--you get a "positive" sign!!!!

May 2011 bring "positive signs" to all of us!

I am a teenage boy's dream.

Not a chance I will ever get knocked up again.....Well, without IVF/FET intervention that is.

Last Wednesday I had the long-awaited and much anticipated surgery. The last stand for our fertility. Now that the surgery is complete, there is nothing else we can do but hope and pray that the IVF/FET cycles work. The eggs are great, the sperm is kickin' and together we have made many a schnazzy embryo. Now those happy little embryos just need to find their final resting place in my uterus-- and stay there for about nine months. THE UTE EMBIES--THE UTE THIS TIME!!!!

Yes, both tubes have been disconnected from the uterus. However, with everything, there remains a TINY little nook on both sides where the embies could possibly still get stuck. But I'll be damned if that will happen again.

So what happened on Wednesday? (Other than a two day early vacation from school).

I first went to have a pedicure before I left so that if something happened to me during surgery, at least my feet would be pretty. Yes, basically I was scared shitless that I would not wake up from anesthesia--

But I did!! Holy crap, here I am!

I went in to surgery around 2pm. They wheeled me away from DH into the OR and made me transfer onto another bed with a hole near my keester. After I saw the anesthesiologist come in I felt a few tugs on my IV. Before I knew it, I was quickly put under. While I did feel like some time had passed since I was asleep, I of course didn't know it or even feel anything. What I do know is that I awoke with three bandages; one over the stitches in my bellybutton and one on each of the sides of my lower abdomen. Yikes.

They actually needed to give me FIVE doses of pain meds through my IV before the pain was lowered enough to go sit in recovery.

Once I was there DH showed up and sat with me for the next few hours. I spent most of the time trying to stay awake (very unsuccessfully) and making unsuccessful attempts at peeing.

The nurses first said they wouldn't let me leave until I took a pee. . . . well, now after 8 o'clock, we decide I will just take another dose of meds and sleep all the way home.

And that I did.

I actually couldn't pee until the next morning--strange. But I later found out that they did burn some endometrial tissue from on top and underneath my uterus as well as some from on my bladder. Not much (about stage 1 or 2) but enough that I am glad it has been removed.

Will this help our quest for pregnancy? I sure as Hell hope so!!!

We will have to wait until the end of February for me to heal before we can begin the FET cycle.

Two months (8 weeks) from the surgery would be February 16th, 2011. A late valentines gift-- I really, REALLY pray this is it. After all, eleven IS our luck number. 2011, . . . cold this be our year??? The baby (or babies) could be born before next Christmas. . . . making the laparoscopy more than worth every second.

For now, I will continue to sit and heal before the FET. I have just a bit of pain on my incisions. More uncomfortable than anything. Then, on the 10th, I will go back to see my RE (surgeon) as a follow up to make sure everything is in tip-top shape.

I HATE THE WAIT!!!!! AHHH!

Surgery set.

Surgery is set for Wednesday, December 22nd at 1:30pm.

DH and I will meet with my RE's partner (apparently a "hottie" form what I hear) that will do the surgery on Monday--yes this Monday. Back to the long drives.

Both tubes will be disconnected and they will check for endometriosis during the surgery. The creepiest part is that I will be out-- I mean O-U-T, out! Breathing tube--the whole ordeal! This makes my wisdom teeth look like a trip to Disneyland.

Am I nervous--Hell yes. But this is the only option we have. We want a baby. I want it bad enough to have this surgery--whatever that means. The hope is this will fix the issue we have with repetitively having ectopic pregnancies.

This is the last thing we can do to help IVF be successful. That's it. After this we hope and pray that the embies survive the thaw and that our quality of embryos remains high. I can't wait to put the 6AA embryo into the ute!!!!

Apt with RE tomorrow--and AF today.

I was awoken --again--by morning cramps.

Why does this always happen? I can't even get a good night's rest!

Anyways, I have the long awaited appointment with my RE tomorrow at 1:30pm. It was enough drama just trying to get the appointment in the first place. But DH and I have made a list of questions to ask about WTF happened with the last IVF, what the surgery is like, how long it take to recover, and if we should even have it in the first place!

I hope to have a few updates when I return.

My hope for all of this is to fix every problem possible and have a successful FET in March--and that they code it so my insurance will pay for it. There's always a way--perhaps a concentration on a "check for endometriosis". :)

5w 4d. We made it to ultrasound. . . kinda.

Well here I am.

Sorry it has taken me so long to post. I have needed a few days to gather up the strength not only to face the day, but to write this long story as well.

Friday, November 5th, 2010.

DH and I left from home around 11am. I left work early and DH had the day off. We had a full tank of gas and were ready to face the day--hoping today was the day we would meet our little one(s) for the first time! The day was here! Ultrasound day!

Once at the RE's office (about noon), we went back into the Ultrasound room. I undressed on the lower half and waited. . . DH and I were ready to see what was happening in there once and for all.

Now keep in mind, I have had dark spotting for about a week. I know something is not quite normal, but the nurses keep saying things about how a lot of women bleed and spot, blah, blah, blah.

Once the RE finally came in, the u/s began. Dildo cam was moving around and apparently it was hard to see perfectly on the screen. I couldn't look.

It didn't take long before the RE became blunt with us. He said something like, "This isn't a normal pregnancy". . . and "Fluid is in the uterus..."

There was nothing to see. My uterus had nothing in it but unidentifiable fluid. Could be blood, could be from my hydrosalphinx, or it could be a mixture of both.

He looked towards the fallopian tubes and said he didn't see anything there either. But either way, no baby in the uterus been ectopic. Anytime you are pregnant and nothing is found in the ute--it's ectopic.

Again.

The RE said he wanted to get a better look on the ultrasound machine, but we'd have to wait 10-15 minutes. At that point I didn't care and said, "fine."

After RE left the room, I dressed again. I don;t think I said anything. What could either of us say at this point? It's happened to us again. This time, they can't even see an embryo! How are we even going to know what went wrong? If I'm pregnant, where is it?!?

I sat in the chair and waited. DH rested his head on my lap as we cried another time for our child we will never know. Another pointless cry that won't solve anything. It doesn't make us feel any better. Pretty much no one we know is aware of what we have been doing. Students and parents where I teach will still treat me like crap everyday, without considering all the doctor appointments I have been gone for.

There will be no taking it easy this time. No Summer break to cushion the fall of this. How am I supposed to live every day like this never happened?

Finally one of the nurses comes in to get us and take us to the other u/s machine.

Again, it's the same result. I didn't even ask for a print out of the u/s.

So what now.

RE couldn't tell us what happened. We won't even learn anything from this except that I make a great human pin-cushion.

What was next? Another round of methotrexate. But this time we had to go pick it up from the pharmacy clear across town.

What happened next was such a cluster-fuck that there is no point trying to explain it. As if the day hadn't been bad enough, when we finally got to the pharmacy as OSCO, I had to call my insurance because they had stopped covering me without telling me about it last time I tried to fill an Rx. SO I called and argued with them first. They said all should be fine. Then dumb girl behind the counter tried to ring up the Rx at full price. I told her I have insurance. Same thing. I called my insurance BACK. They said the drug had never been rung up. So I told her to figure her shit out. She went to the pharmacist, a very young girl.

After waiting for at least 5-10 minutes, she said it was recalled. METHOTREXATE WAS RECALLED. I told her, " I HAVE TO HAVE THIS DRUG. This is not negotiable. And WHY was your employee ready to sell this to me at full-price 5 minutes ago if it is recalled?"

UGH.

I told her to call my RE and see if there was anything else they could give me. She went back and called my RE's office. Then, came back to us, clearly agitated. Nothing. She claimed it was recalled everywhere, even in WI.

I had to drive all the way back to the RE. Once we pulled in to the parking lot, the nurse called and said they have it filled for us at Walgreens down the street. First of all, why didn't they send us to the closer pharmacy in the first place? Secondly, CLEARLY the first pharmacist has no clue how to do her job. Only certain batches of the drug are recalled, so yes, in WI we would have been able to get it filled just as we can a few miles down the road here.

We finally got it and came BACK to the RE's again. By this time, I have no more "happy face" to put on.

I get both shots of methotrexate and then have to give blood for my BETA. They also told me the one thing I wanted to do when I got home was not an option. No drinking until the beginning of December --LOOK OUT HANUKKAH! I'm bringing you in with a bang! I also can't have sex with my husband until well into December. That will make the longest drought of our entire relationship. Sept- December. Good God. Poor DH.

So how did we spend the evening, when we finally got home after 5?

We went to the buffet at the casino and payed bingo until 2am. Yep, that's right.

*******

So what now?

I'm not exactly sure.

I will most likely have my tubes burned from the uterus during a laparoscopy in December. They will not be totally removed, just out of the picture with baby making. My ovaries will still be operational for making eggs but the chance of having a "natural conception" will completely be gone forever.

It will however fix the hydrosalphinx issue--no way to ooze into my ute and in addition, I'll never have to worry about another tubal pregnancy again.

After that, I'll have to wait at least 6-8 weeks until we can try to make babies.

That means it will be the middle to end of February before we can try our first FET with 2 of our 4 frozen embryos. (I found out one of them is even a 6AA embryo-- I'm hoping that will be our golden child :)

It's going to be a long road until Spring. We must make it through the entire holiday season and almost all Winter without even being able to try again.

For now, non-decaffeinated coffee galore! I can do all the yoga I want--twist, twist, twist! I can run and swim! I can ride my bike--inside. I can go to work without having to take very damn week off. (Do you see that I'm trying to find the bright side?) At Christmas, I can get drunk with my whole stupid, obnoxious family.

::Sigh::

But I'd prefer to have a little reason why I can't.

***********

I will be going on hiatus until more news comes about.

BETA #4 from Friday had dropped to 54 before I even got the two methotrexate shots. Tuesday, I will go in after school for another test, results Wednesday.

I'll continue to post updates and things happen or appointments are made. One of these days I will be scheduling an appointment with the RE to see WTF happened and what we should do next. My hope is to have the lap surgery on Dec 22nd and spend Christmas repairing-- DAMN! That mean I can't get drunk that day. IF SUCKS!!!!!!

Thank you to all who have followed us on our journey thus far. Although there are many times we just want to give up, it's not that time yet. We have more things to try and frozen babies waiting for us in Illinois. We are discouraged, but not broken.

So get this shit.

Today was my first meeting with the new RE.

At noon, we drove an hour into another state to get there. Once we arrived we headed into the ultrasound room for another appointment with the dildo cam. A lady with one of the thickest accents I have ever heard introduced herself (I think?) and did the procedure. It was a lengthy u/s. It lasted at least 20 minutes, during which she told us I had a "beautiful uterus . . .just beuatiful". That was about the last good news we heard that day. She told me it looked like my blockage was in my right tube, not my left. I told her my ectopic was on the left side-- I was sure of it. She said she didn't see anything in my left tube, but the right side definitely had something in it, a mass of fluid.

After we completed the u/s, blood pressure, weight and height check, we sat in the waiting room . . . and sat. . . and finally I asked if we were going to have to wait another 30 minutes past our appointment time.

Eventually they took us back to see the new RE. He's an interesting guy. Kind of a smart-ass and not easily impressed--unless you have statistics to show him. He discussed my u/s photos with us. He began by telling me how I have a hydrosalpinx or "hydro" in my right tube. (See above: Third picture from the bottom on the left). Basically this means my right tube is most likely blocked from receiving follicles from my right ovary. Not only that, but he also said (and I have also read) that even though we "bypass" the tubes with an IVF, if this is not treated before the IVF procedure if can lessen the chances of getting pregnant from IVF. IN addition if I do become pregnant from IVF the "hyrdo" fluid my leak into my uterus (since the blockage won't let it out the other end like it is supposed to) and harm the developing fetus, causing miscarriage.

FUCKING GREAT.

He suggested I should (without actually saying "I need to") have another HSG to see if in fact fluid is getting through as it was in January. If there is no blockage, I should be fine. If there is a proven blockage, he said I need to have a laparoscopyto either clear the blockage or "better yet" remove the whole tube. . . . . . . What? Here is my Re's explanation of the process.

Not only do I not want to have any of my organs removed, go through another painful HSG (or pay for one), or have a painful laparoscopy procedure that can cost up to $27,000-- I don't have time time to even take off for any of these procedures! Especially the 2-3 weeks off he recommends after the lap! I am starting a new job at a school. Teachers can't just take weeks off.

This is insane. I just want to get to the point where we are making progress. I am sick of falling into a new hole every time I try and move onto the next step. I am sick, tired, and sick and tired of being sick and tired. I haven;t felt like myself since the beginning of JULY!

I feel depressed. For the first time in this whole journey, I feel like I'm losing hope. I don;t know if I can see the light at the end of this tunnel anymore. Before, I felt hopeful almost happy about the experience. Telling myself, "This will make me so much happier when we finally have our baby . . . blah, blah, blah."
Now, I'm not sure if we will ever have our own biological child.

On the way home from the RE apt, I told my DH, "Maybe we should just adopt."

And I was serious.

I'm not sure how much more disappointment I can take. I haven't even begun the IVF process and I'm already discouraged. That's not a good sign. I just want this so damn badly my head is making me think crazy. I feel like I cry at the drop of a hat the last few days. DH and I got into an argument the other day and I pretty much snapped. I really don't know if this is something an IF therapist is really going to make me feel any better about. Maybe the planned acupuncture will help?


All we can think to do is call my old RE and see if he will do an HSG with sedation. He had discussed with us on Aug 5th that we should do that if we wanted to continue with IUI's. He also said he gives patients some kind of pain relief (sedation, meds?) to help and he doesn't know why all doc's don't do that for the procedure. I agree completely. If he gives sedation with the procedure, I will have one with him and see if anything is blocked or not.

If it isn't blocked we move onto IVF at the new RE without a worry. Most likely doing the 100% money back plan.

If my tube or tubes are blocked we will try one IVF and FET cycle OOP (out of pocket without a "shared risk" plan) at the new RE hoping and praying to get a BPF and successful delivery.

If we do the IVF and FET cycle and no baby, . . .we will see what we want to do when we get to it. Perhaps a lap to remove the blockage/ hydro/ and possible endometriosis. Then, we hope to be able to try again.

I am somewhere around ovulation right now. I have one follicle (good size about 18+) on my left side. But I am afraid to try again "naturally". What if my fears are right and both tubes are shot? I don't think I could handle another ectopic pregnancy.

So I wait for AF to return for the first time since June. When she's here, I will have to do CD3 tests, and a possible HSG.

Good God, what have I gotten us into?