One year.

Today is a sad reminder of how far we have come.

One year ago today, we lost our first baby from IUI #3.

One year later, we are 22 weeks pregnant with our twin boys.

What a difference one year makes.

(Miss you, Little Buddy)

My wish for 2011. . .

I wish us all a better and more hopefull 2011.

There were many difficult things DH and I went through in 2010.

I begin the year with clomid and HcG shots. Timing our "intercourse" so that the romance became non-existent.

We moved on to IUI's and a new "Reproductive Endocrinologist"--whatever that is.

We finally became pregnant in July only to find out is was ectopic and had to be terminated. That was something I never wanted to go through again. I was very thankful it was during Summer vacation.

I began a new job-- and soon found out it may not be the one for me.

I started the process of IVF and moved to another RE in another state.

DH and I did the shots, the daily hour drive, the monitoring, the poking, the hoping and the praying. Our IVF was positive! But the number's weren't great. And we soon had to terminated another ectopic pregnancy-- this time without the comfort of staying at home on Summer break.

There were days I cried at the drop of a hat. I cried when DH left me for work-- I cried because I had to go to work. I nearly quit my job.

I've gained 20 pounds since May. All the hard work I put in to losing the weight before baby had come back on during my quest to have one pregnancy that lasts.

And now, I've ended the year by having a laparoscopy to remove any endometriosis and disconnect/burn both fallopian tubes. I'm now completely at the mercy of IVF and my RE.

I now count the days until February 16th, 2011--exactly 8 weeks after my surgery. The day I can begin FET#1. We have one perfect little snowbaby waiting for us along with three others that still look pretty damn good.

I can't thank you all enough for following me on this journey. Your kind words of compassion and encouragement really mean a lot to me. It keeps me blogging-- keeps me documenting this experience that sometimes feels like no one else understands. But we are not alone. An estimated 90-million, yes million, couples struggle with infertility across the world. 90 million couples who want what the rest of the world sometimes take for granted-- a chance to raise a biological child of their own.

While we may not have had all of our dreams come true this year, next year is another fresh start-- another chance to hope.

DH and I will go through more treatments this year; beginning our first FET cycle. While we hope that in FET we will finally find success, we are also preparing to begin the adoption process in July. In July we will be married three years. Korean adoption requires a thee year marriage minimum for all interested couples and we will finally meet that requirement.

Thank you all for sharing your struggles with me as well. Some of you I know from the "bump" chat and some of you have found me from other sources and blogs. My wish for you is to find the joy, happiness, and hope that you deserve! That your miracle will come in 2011 as well. After all "11" IS my lucky number.

As my cousin (who's a riot) said to me the other day...

"If you take "2011" and turn a "1" on its side on-top of the other "1"--you get a "positive" sign!!!!

May 2011 bring "positive signs" to all of us!

STUPID PEOPLE.

First let me say that I'm extra stressed right now with everything that is going on. Saying that, I am not nuts to think that the following happening of the past few days were the fault of stupid people. Enjoy. . . .

Tuesday, I went in for my BETA test with the unfortunate hope that is will become negative soon. The methotrexate has already had me bleedin' like crazy since Friday, so I was assuming it was working.

Wednesday, I never received a call from my RE.

I did receive a call from my old RE who I haven't been with since the end of July.

I found that to be odd, so I left a message with both since it was after hours.

Today, I recieved a phone call from the old RE's office. Apparently, the dynacare lab sent my results to THEM! So when I answer the phone the nurse says, "You're pregnant!"

"Uh, no. . . actually I'm not." I tried to explain.

My levels were 55.8 Blech. Pretty much the same from last Friday. I hope this stuff is working so we don't have to go down to IL for another shot of methotrexate.

After that, I heard from my RE who tried to explain the whole thing to me over again.

What a mess.

Dumb people, part 2.

Wednesday, I went in to the HR department of my job. I was curious why my last paycheck was 700 dollars LESS than the last one-- clearly.

I talked to her for a few minutes before we realized, that it was because of the days off I took. "Sick days." However, apparently our school district only gives us ONE DAY A MONTH.

Yeah.

So I wasn't getting paid for ANY of the days I took off in October--which were a lot since I had daily monitoring.

But it gets better.

Then she tells me since I was unpaid, I also had to PAY for my benefits those days as well.

WTF??!?!?!!?

I was not only getting jipped on pay, but I actually was PAYING TO BE GONE for days I had pre-approved with the principal.

SO RIDICULOUS I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

So I begin to argue the stupidity of this with her, explaining that NO other district I have ever been in has this stupid kind of policy that no one told me about to begin with.

Then, she said it.

"Well, one day when you are pregnant, you'll be glad you have those days off."

Yep.

That's what she fucking said.

Unbelievable.

DH thinks I'm living in the seventh circle of Hell right now.

I think he's right.

Where would I be on the chart this time. . . .

Am I the only one this happens to?

Last Friday, I told the nurse I had horrible cramping from my cervix dilating after the last m/c. She acted stunned and surprised. She said she had never heard of anyone having this happen to them. I told her, don't be surprised if you hear me say it has happened again.

Well, guess what?

Today, I am home from work--dilating like crazy-pants.

This morning around 3:30am I woke up to pressure and cramping. I took a vicodin and tried to go back to sleep. That never happened. I laid awake thinking about all the money I am loosing my taking off work, and all the catch up I am going to have to do. But the contractions were way too crazy. I had to call in.

First I felt the pain about every 2-5 minutes part. No matter how I tried to adjust myself in bed, I was in pain.

Then, I went downstairs to the bathroom, I was going to puke. . . but I held it off.

Then I spent the next almost hour in there. Trying to be comfortable sittin' on the thrown and then on the floor kneeling, squatting, and laying down. But finally the most comfortable posotion was found. Angle back towards the bathtub and place my feet about two feet up onto the door. Weird, but it seemed to hold them off for a time.

Poor DH stayed home with me today. He got me some crackers, 7-up, medication and propped my up against the couch.

Nothing is worse than the emotional pain of a miscarriage. So the last thing I need right now is the physical pain that goes along with it. Blech.

I pray for a relaxing rest of the day and that tomorrow brings no more cramping!

OOH, PS!!!

I did get some good news today!

Our house has been on the market since May/June 2010. Last Sunday, we had our second open house. We had a few people come in and look around.

We got a call this morning and apparently one couple is coming back and bringing their Mother tomorrow at 4:30! They must not have a real estate agent either because ours is showing them the house!

THAT IS GOOD! That means he can show them all the good things about it! Like our schnazzy bathroom DH remodeled last year.

This would be the perfect time to move since all IF treatments are on hold.

PLEASE PLEASE buy our house people!!!!!!!

It's over.

Saturday, July, 24th, 2010.

It began as any other day.

In fact, this day I had no sign of cramping when I awoke around 9am. I ate my healthy breakfast, took my prenatal vitamins and left to go rummaging with my husband and cousins. It was a great time. Looking for kids books, toys, and clothes with them. We found some great deals--including a Grouchella doll. (Oscar's little sister--what a find!)

On the way home, I drove. I began to get slightly nauseous and the cramping began. It got progressively worse as I got closer to home. Once home, I went straight to the rest room.

Spotting. Not bright red, but dark. Alarming.

I called for my DH. I told him.

We laid in bed together wondering what to do. What did it mean???

I've heard talk of cramping and spotting being totally normal and plenty of women go on to deliver normal, healthy babies. But I did not have the same start as many women.

I called my RE. He was not in since it was the weekend, but the other RE was on call. He called me back and basically told me that it could be totally normal and to come see him at 9:30am tomorrow at his office. However, if it got worse, bleeding increased, or if the pain localized to one side, go to the ER.

I laid, sat, and stood around for over an hour. I couldn't sleep. I didn't know what was going on, what do I do?!?!

I finally realized that I could just sit around all day and night wondering--allowing the pain to get worse.

We headed to he ER. Once we got there, they took my vitals and asked a few questions. But I still had to wait.
The waiting room was FULL of weirdos. I mean, FULL. People complaining that they had been there forever, yada, yada, yada.

I was thirsty, but I couldn't drink ANYTHING. They wouldn't let me. I had nothing with me. Not even my magical iphone. My DH had to rub my back, but it was becoming too much. I needed to get in.
We became buddies with the nurse--by being nice--go figure. They took me back to draw an unbelievable amount of blood for testing. AT LEAST 7 of those bottles. Then, it was back out to wait.

DH asked if I could have some pain meds, it pushed us up on the wait. After about an hour, I was in. Room #15, awaiting some answers.

The nurse practitioner came in. She explained a few things and gave me a "wonderful" pelvic exam. She was looking to see if my cervix was open--implying that I was miscarrying. It was closed. Good news.

Then, she insisted that I had to put in a catheter. I HATE CATHETERS. Let me say that again-- I HATE CATHETERS. They needed to use it so they could fill my bladder with a fluid during the ultrasound (u/s) I was about to have. Bah!

I was wheeled up to radiology into a small room. DH stayed with me and held my hand as they filled my bladder with a clear, cold, fluid. WIERD feeling. This allowed her to see the embryo on the screen since my full-bladder would push up the uterus.

She was pressing really hard on my ute. WITH A FULL BLADDER! SUCKY!!! She says something like, "Oh, did you know you have an inverted uterus?" WHAT? Seriously. WTF does that mean??? "Did you ever have cysts?" WHAT????!!! Lady! I'm stressed enough!
It went on for what seemed like hours. She had to of taken at least 50-75 photos.
Then-- the worst came. She put the dildo cam in my lady part! YES! With the catheter still IN!!!
It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. It hurt the worst on the right side--I think because that's where the catheter was laying. I couldn't keep track of time. DH thinks it lasted at least 15-20 minutes. What are they seriously going to do with all of those photos???

They took me back to go 'ol room #15. I had two IV's put in. (One which they never used, the other only put one bag of saline fluid in--pointless).

We waited.

And waited.

Finally, the nurse practitioner came in. "It's ectopic." She says.

After that, I can't remember much else. DH asked if it was for sure. She said it was on my left side. Then, she left. She dropped a bomb on us and left.

All we could do was just cry. We held each other and cried. What else could we do?

A young OB came in with a med student. She looked fresh out of med school. They were in charge of my care for the rest of our time. It was now after 10pm. They explained that right now it sounded like we had a few options:
1. A laparoscopy.
2. A suction procedure--not my preference.
3. A pill, methotrexate.

They then called the RE on call to see what he thought was best based on my results. My BETA was only at a level of 300-something. Not what it should be for over 5 weeks. It told us that even if we didn't try to end the pregnancy, it might have dissolved on it's own. But the risk of my fallopian tube rupturing was far too great.

When they returned, the 12-year old doctor, and the tiny mute med student along her side, they explained that the RE thought the best solution was the methotrexate. It is a chemo drug used to stop cells from dividing. Hopefully then, the pregnancy would end over the next week or two, with a AF-like bleed. They would need to check my beta levels day 4 and 7 of each week until it came back down to zero.

We agreed.

We said goodbye to our little one we had only known for a few weeks, but would remember forever.

Two ladies came in wearing full body protectant aprons. Holding a hazard bag filled with two glowing syringes of yellow liquid. WHAT?!?!? I THOUGHT THIS WAS A PILL? Don't get me wrong, I'm fine with needle shots. I took plenty with all the IF craziness. It was just a sudden change I wasn't told of. And at that point I was NOT up for anymore sudden changes.

But I took both shots. In the rear. Trying to make light of it. Telling each nurse to enjoy the view. Yes, each nurse took a needle and both shots in my ass at the same time. LOL. Seriously, that was kinda funny.

We left the hospital a few minutes after midnight.

The feeling of emptiness, like we now had less than we came in with was overwhelming.

Went headed to Walgreens to pick up the medication I had been prescribed for pain. It was late, I was still in some pain. But we made it. Back home.

It felt strange. All the books we had bought, the pages printed from the internet, now, didn't matter.

SLEEP.




July, 25th, 2010.

I met with the RE on call.

To make this story much shorter, basically I might have PCOS still, I might have an issue with the left tube being blocked, I might have tubes that don't push the embryos down into my uterus, and we can't try again for at least a few months.

So WTF do I do now? Where is my bit of good news?

Our plan is to get through each day. Anxiously awaiting time to try again. But I'm not sure I could do another ectopic pregnancy. I know there is always a chance anytime you become pregnant. But we think our best shot will be to move on to IVF.

Hopefully Late September or October will bring us the beginning of the IVF cycle. But of course, we haven't talked to our RE about this. We need to read up more and decide if this is really the best plan for us.

In the meantime, we grieve the loss of our baby, look into IVF, gather our funds, and try to get on with a normal life.
This is NOT something we are ashamed of. But this is not something we wish to obsess over either. Once the bleeding begins, I will understand how final it is. The time to look forward is coming. We won't look back, and yet we won't forget.