Oh, life. . . .

It has been a while-- I know.

With conferences and the holidays, I've been swamped.

But there are a few updates since I've been MIA.

1. On 11.19 my BETA dropped to 13. Good news. But even better when yesterday, 11.27 it was negative. Finally. We can move on, physically, from this.

2. No deals on the house-- all our cleaning has been in vain thus far. . .

3. I've set up an apt, on Dec 10th, with my RE to meet and discuss the surgery on Dec 22nd. Yes, this looks like it is actually going to happen. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Some days I am so glad that the "tubes" will be out of the baby equation. Other days I have already begun to mourn the loss of my female reproductive parts.

But DH made a whole lot of sense the other day. . . I was going over my reasons for having the surgery and the other reasons why I am not looking forward to it. I told him even though I know both our pregnancies have been ectopic, I am feel like I am losing my 'fetility'; That with the tubes disconnected the reality is we will never get pregnant without IVF.

DH said something like, "I don't think we will ever get pregnant with them attached. You can't lose a function that you never had."

Although painful, it is true. I needed someone to say, "So what?!?! Get over it. If you want to actually have a baby, this is what you need to do."

The "natural" way has never worked for us and it most likely never will.

I couldn't bring myself to risk our other four embryos again. I need to do something different. Even if this doesn't 'solve the problem' at least there is no chance they will ever get stuck in my tubes again. If they're not in the uterus next time, I'll spend the next FET cycle rolling around in a wheel chair so those suckers don't fall out! :)

4. I'm beginning my yearly November cleanse again. This is year two. I guess that makes it a yearly event. My cousin gave me the idea last year when she was doing one. I needed to get off some weight, and it worked. I lost about 20 lbs. I kept it off until IVF meds about two months ago--and actually only gained about 10 back.

I'm hoping to lose 20 lbs again this time. Going for the magical 150lbs that I've been eyeing for so long.

When I was younger I was always around 140-150 at 5'5". Then, after sports and high school ended, I got up to the mid 160's. I reached 150 by exercising 2x per day and restricting my eating to less than 500 calories a day. Not exactly healthy. And obviously, I gained it all back.

Now 10 years after high school graduation, I need to lose some of this. Not be be vain, but for health reasons-- mine and the kiddos I'm hoping to soon be hosting for nine months.

So tomorrow it begins. Another round of the vegan cleanse. I'm going to be on it until the day of my surgery, December 22nd.

I'll post updates as I go along.

Bummed.

I've been really emotional as of late.

I keep wondering if the hormones for the IVF cycle are still screwing me up.

I haven't felt like myself for months now.

It sounds ridiculous, but every time DH leaves for work, I cry. Every. Damn. Time.

I (we) haven't had any time to grieve. It's been full-on work during the IVF cycle and since the u/s. How am I supposed to just move along and deal with normal life, selling a house and sassy high school kids while inside all I want to do is stay home and mourn the loss of our second pregnancy this year?

Sheesh.

Dh and I talked about what other options we have last night.

Do I quit my job?

Do I hang on until the end of the semester and then quit?

Do I take some time off?

Do I leave once I have the surgery and decide then if I will come back?

Do I grow a pair and keep plugging along like everything is fine?

There is no answer.

So what do I do?

I'm not sure yet. Crappy, stressful, and stupid as my job can be, I think I just needs to grin and bare it for now. Am I going to feel better for doing this, definitely not.

But I will be getting paid and staying on top with my employers who need to recommend me to other schools if I ever want another job again.

Maybe next year, I'll quit and take time to do more IVF/FET cycles or adopt.

Oh June, why are you so far away? :)

STUPID PEOPLE.

First let me say that I'm extra stressed right now with everything that is going on. Saying that, I am not nuts to think that the following happening of the past few days were the fault of stupid people. Enjoy. . . .

Tuesday, I went in for my BETA test with the unfortunate hope that is will become negative soon. The methotrexate has already had me bleedin' like crazy since Friday, so I was assuming it was working.

Wednesday, I never received a call from my RE.

I did receive a call from my old RE who I haven't been with since the end of July.

I found that to be odd, so I left a message with both since it was after hours.

Today, I recieved a phone call from the old RE's office. Apparently, the dynacare lab sent my results to THEM! So when I answer the phone the nurse says, "You're pregnant!"

"Uh, no. . . actually I'm not." I tried to explain.

My levels were 55.8 Blech. Pretty much the same from last Friday. I hope this stuff is working so we don't have to go down to IL for another shot of methotrexate.

After that, I heard from my RE who tried to explain the whole thing to me over again.

What a mess.

Dumb people, part 2.

Wednesday, I went in to the HR department of my job. I was curious why my last paycheck was 700 dollars LESS than the last one-- clearly.

I talked to her for a few minutes before we realized, that it was because of the days off I took. "Sick days." However, apparently our school district only gives us ONE DAY A MONTH.

Yeah.

So I wasn't getting paid for ANY of the days I took off in October--which were a lot since I had daily monitoring.

But it gets better.

Then she tells me since I was unpaid, I also had to PAY for my benefits those days as well.

WTF??!?!?!!?

I was not only getting jipped on pay, but I actually was PAYING TO BE GONE for days I had pre-approved with the principal.

SO RIDICULOUS I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

So I begin to argue the stupidity of this with her, explaining that NO other district I have ever been in has this stupid kind of policy that no one told me about to begin with.

Then, she said it.

"Well, one day when you are pregnant, you'll be glad you have those days off."

Yep.

That's what she fucking said.

Unbelievable.

DH thinks I'm living in the seventh circle of Hell right now.

I think he's right.

Where would I be on the chart this time. . . .

Am I the only one this happens to?

Last Friday, I told the nurse I had horrible cramping from my cervix dilating after the last m/c. She acted stunned and surprised. She said she had never heard of anyone having this happen to them. I told her, don't be surprised if you hear me say it has happened again.

Well, guess what?

Today, I am home from work--dilating like crazy-pants.

This morning around 3:30am I woke up to pressure and cramping. I took a vicodin and tried to go back to sleep. That never happened. I laid awake thinking about all the money I am loosing my taking off work, and all the catch up I am going to have to do. But the contractions were way too crazy. I had to call in.

First I felt the pain about every 2-5 minutes part. No matter how I tried to adjust myself in bed, I was in pain.

Then, I went downstairs to the bathroom, I was going to puke. . . but I held it off.

Then I spent the next almost hour in there. Trying to be comfortable sittin' on the thrown and then on the floor kneeling, squatting, and laying down. But finally the most comfortable posotion was found. Angle back towards the bathtub and place my feet about two feet up onto the door. Weird, but it seemed to hold them off for a time.

Poor DH stayed home with me today. He got me some crackers, 7-up, medication and propped my up against the couch.

Nothing is worse than the emotional pain of a miscarriage. So the last thing I need right now is the physical pain that goes along with it. Blech.

I pray for a relaxing rest of the day and that tomorrow brings no more cramping!

OOH, PS!!!

I did get some good news today!

Our house has been on the market since May/June 2010. Last Sunday, we had our second open house. We had a few people come in and look around.

We got a call this morning and apparently one couple is coming back and bringing their Mother tomorrow at 4:30! They must not have a real estate agent either because ours is showing them the house!

THAT IS GOOD! That means he can show them all the good things about it! Like our schnazzy bathroom DH remodeled last year.

This would be the perfect time to move since all IF treatments are on hold.

PLEASE PLEASE buy our house people!!!!!!!

5w 4d. We made it to ultrasound. . . kinda.

Well here I am.

Sorry it has taken me so long to post. I have needed a few days to gather up the strength not only to face the day, but to write this long story as well.

Friday, November 5th, 2010.

DH and I left from home around 11am. I left work early and DH had the day off. We had a full tank of gas and were ready to face the day--hoping today was the day we would meet our little one(s) for the first time! The day was here! Ultrasound day!

Once at the RE's office (about noon), we went back into the Ultrasound room. I undressed on the lower half and waited. . . DH and I were ready to see what was happening in there once and for all.

Now keep in mind, I have had dark spotting for about a week. I know something is not quite normal, but the nurses keep saying things about how a lot of women bleed and spot, blah, blah, blah.

Once the RE finally came in, the u/s began. Dildo cam was moving around and apparently it was hard to see perfectly on the screen. I couldn't look.

It didn't take long before the RE became blunt with us. He said something like, "This isn't a normal pregnancy". . . and "Fluid is in the uterus..."

There was nothing to see. My uterus had nothing in it but unidentifiable fluid. Could be blood, could be from my hydrosalphinx, or it could be a mixture of both.

He looked towards the fallopian tubes and said he didn't see anything there either. But either way, no baby in the uterus been ectopic. Anytime you are pregnant and nothing is found in the ute--it's ectopic.

Again.

The RE said he wanted to get a better look on the ultrasound machine, but we'd have to wait 10-15 minutes. At that point I didn't care and said, "fine."

After RE left the room, I dressed again. I don;t think I said anything. What could either of us say at this point? It's happened to us again. This time, they can't even see an embryo! How are we even going to know what went wrong? If I'm pregnant, where is it?!?

I sat in the chair and waited. DH rested his head on my lap as we cried another time for our child we will never know. Another pointless cry that won't solve anything. It doesn't make us feel any better. Pretty much no one we know is aware of what we have been doing. Students and parents where I teach will still treat me like crap everyday, without considering all the doctor appointments I have been gone for.

There will be no taking it easy this time. No Summer break to cushion the fall of this. How am I supposed to live every day like this never happened?

Finally one of the nurses comes in to get us and take us to the other u/s machine.

Again, it's the same result. I didn't even ask for a print out of the u/s.

So what now.

RE couldn't tell us what happened. We won't even learn anything from this except that I make a great human pin-cushion.

What was next? Another round of methotrexate. But this time we had to go pick it up from the pharmacy clear across town.

What happened next was such a cluster-fuck that there is no point trying to explain it. As if the day hadn't been bad enough, when we finally got to the pharmacy as OSCO, I had to call my insurance because they had stopped covering me without telling me about it last time I tried to fill an Rx. SO I called and argued with them first. They said all should be fine. Then dumb girl behind the counter tried to ring up the Rx at full price. I told her I have insurance. Same thing. I called my insurance BACK. They said the drug had never been rung up. So I told her to figure her shit out. She went to the pharmacist, a very young girl.

After waiting for at least 5-10 minutes, she said it was recalled. METHOTREXATE WAS RECALLED. I told her, " I HAVE TO HAVE THIS DRUG. This is not negotiable. And WHY was your employee ready to sell this to me at full-price 5 minutes ago if it is recalled?"

UGH.

I told her to call my RE and see if there was anything else they could give me. She went back and called my RE's office. Then, came back to us, clearly agitated. Nothing. She claimed it was recalled everywhere, even in WI.

I had to drive all the way back to the RE. Once we pulled in to the parking lot, the nurse called and said they have it filled for us at Walgreens down the street. First of all, why didn't they send us to the closer pharmacy in the first place? Secondly, CLEARLY the first pharmacist has no clue how to do her job. Only certain batches of the drug are recalled, so yes, in WI we would have been able to get it filled just as we can a few miles down the road here.

We finally got it and came BACK to the RE's again. By this time, I have no more "happy face" to put on.

I get both shots of methotrexate and then have to give blood for my BETA. They also told me the one thing I wanted to do when I got home was not an option. No drinking until the beginning of December --LOOK OUT HANUKKAH! I'm bringing you in with a bang! I also can't have sex with my husband until well into December. That will make the longest drought of our entire relationship. Sept- December. Good God. Poor DH.

So how did we spend the evening, when we finally got home after 5?

We went to the buffet at the casino and payed bingo until 2am. Yep, that's right.

*******

So what now?

I'm not exactly sure.

I will most likely have my tubes burned from the uterus during a laparoscopy in December. They will not be totally removed, just out of the picture with baby making. My ovaries will still be operational for making eggs but the chance of having a "natural conception" will completely be gone forever.

It will however fix the hydrosalphinx issue--no way to ooze into my ute and in addition, I'll never have to worry about another tubal pregnancy again.

After that, I'll have to wait at least 6-8 weeks until we can try to make babies.

That means it will be the middle to end of February before we can try our first FET with 2 of our 4 frozen embryos. (I found out one of them is even a 6AA embryo-- I'm hoping that will be our golden child :)

It's going to be a long road until Spring. We must make it through the entire holiday season and almost all Winter without even being able to try again.

For now, non-decaffeinated coffee galore! I can do all the yoga I want--twist, twist, twist! I can run and swim! I can ride my bike--inside. I can go to work without having to take very damn week off. (Do you see that I'm trying to find the bright side?) At Christmas, I can get drunk with my whole stupid, obnoxious family.

::Sigh::

But I'd prefer to have a little reason why I can't.

***********

I will be going on hiatus until more news comes about.

BETA #4 from Friday had dropped to 54 before I even got the two methotrexate shots. Tuesday, I will go in after school for another test, results Wednesday.

I'll continue to post updates and things happen or appointments are made. One of these days I will be scheduling an appointment with the RE to see WTF happened and what we should do next. My hope is to have the lap surgery on Dec 22nd and spend Christmas repairing-- DAMN! That mean I can't get drunk that day. IF SUCKS!!!!!!

Thank you to all who have followed us on our journey thus far. Although there are many times we just want to give up, it's not that time yet. We have more things to try and frozen babies waiting for us in Illinois. We are discouraged, but not broken.

Wish there was a better update.

I wish I had a better update.

Still bleeding with dark CM. . . awesome and gross. So done with that stuff.

Tomorrow is the 5 1/2 week u/s.

We will know for sure what's going on tomorrow---but nurse suspected today it COULD be another ectopic-- PLEASE BE GROWING IN MY UTE BABY!!!!

Ultrasound tomorrow at noon. 'Till then people!!!

Hmmmm . . .

Had some really bad pains on my left side this afternoon. Took a vicodin and things have slowly gotten better. . . .but it makes me nervous. This is almost the EXACT day that our ectopic was discovered in July.

When I arrived home from work today, I got to pee for the first time since 7:30am. I notice A LOT of the icky brown CM. Is that old blood? Is that blood from something else I should be concerned about?

Too many unknowns today. I CANNOT WAIT until Friday's ultrasound (u/s). Hopefully that will answer the ectopic question once and for all. Then, I can worry in general instead of specifically :)

So, how many days is that?!?!?!

BETA #3 IN!!!

Can you find Waldo? (DH)

232!

Finally something that not only doubled, but more than TRIPLED!

While this doesn't mean this is in the clear, it's the first BETA that had done what it was supposed to!

The nurse still was "cautiously optimistic" and kinda bummed sounding. But I think she could tell that I didn't give a crap! :) I was on cloud nine--whatever happens, it's great news for once! Be happy for us lady!

I got the call while DH was running his 1/2 marathon in Chicago.
It was a VERY early morning of BETA testing--5am early.
But right after DH started his run at 8am, the clinic called. I had to hold that in until DH was finished!

Funniest part is, when DH completed his race, I ran up to him and said, "232!"

He thought I meant how fast he ran, as in 2:32.00.

He later told me he thought I told him the race time and was bummed out. He figured I wasn't telling him because it was bad news.
A few minutes later, he finally asked me if the clinic had called. I laughed and said, "I already told, you--232!".

He was so happy. I got the best DH hug ever-- in fact I think he kinda cried!

For now we are happy with our news! Wednesday, we got back in for BETA #4!

STAY OUT OF MY TUBES, BABY!!!!!


***UPDATE***

RE's office called. The doctor doesn't want me to do another BETA--instead he wants me to stick with the early u/s on the 5th.

Good and bad I guess. I was looking forward to hearing how big our beta will be on Wednesday--but this means we will make it to ULTRASOUND!!!

Looking forward to it and hoping for the best! 'Till FRIDAY!!!

. . . and again-- STAY OUT OF MY TUBES, BABY!!!! Hope to hear you little heart beat(s)! :)

Back from BETA.

8:14am

I am back from the BETA blood draw.

Now we wait.

I am home for teachers conferences today and will be sitting by the phone until the RE's office calls. Gonna be a long few hours. . .


11:43 am

WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO CALL??!?!?!


12:33pm

We called.

The results were not what we had hoped, but not enough to completely rule out a success.

BETA was 76.5. The rest of the details are in the sidebar.

We are still in BETA HELL. Our next BETA (#3) is on Sunday. We will be going in VERY EARLY before DH runs in a half-marathon in Chicago. I'll most likely get the call before DH has finished the race.

Sheesh. It never ends.

If the numbers are still rising, it sounds like we will schedule a VERY early ultrasound at the RE (back all the way in Chicago) for November 5th-ish. I should be about 5 1/2 weeks at that point. They will check to see if the embryo is developing normally and if it is in fact, nuzzled into the uterus, and NOT one of my tubes.

So here we go again. Another span of time spent waiting. . . I'm sick of not knowing. . .

I know they're implanted--now they must GROOOOOOWWWWW!

Wordless Wednesday.

On the night before the most crucial beta of our lives, I'd like to share a few images.

This is the view from bedrest after the egg transfer. Love the furbabies.

I want to make it to an Ultrasound.

That's our goal.

A 6-week ultrasound photo.

Baby steps, right? One step at a time.

So far our last BETA was kinda on the low side, but if the next BETA doubles (or more) we could well be on our way to another BETA test on the weekend.

THEN, if we have high enough numbers that keep growing-- it's a short (but endless feeling) wait until the ultrasound at 61/2 weeks.

We just want to see the little one on the ultrasound screen--hear a heartbeat. . . Frankly, I don't think that's too much to ask, right? Not for me or any of the other girls.

The fight is ON PEOPLE!!! Grow embies!!! NUZZLE IN!!!!

BETA in.

40.4 . . .

Not that great, but something.

I'm having a hard time being excited. Last time we were temporarily preggo it was 45. My fear is that this could be another ectopic by the way it is growing. But then again, who knows!

DH and I just cannot get excited yet. While we are happy it is not zero, we can't celebrate until we know for sure.

Thursday will be BETA #2. We will go in early in the morning, and then get results by noon-ish. DH and I will be home for teachers convention and will be able to get the call much earlier.

I wish I had some more joyful news but with our history, it is still too up in the air.

What I do need is a whole truckload of doubling dust!!! That beta needs to be 90+ next time!!!

Beta #1, tomorrow morning.

BETA #1 is tomorrow morning at 7am.

DH and I will call for the results when he comes home tomorrow afternoon around 3:30pm.

I have no idea what to expect. I have had horrible sharp pain in my lower abdomen all day today. I actually called the doctors office and told the nurse since I had no idea what was going on. It hurt on both sides and was relentless as one point. But nurse seemed not to be too concerned, but she understood I was in pain and wrote me another Rx for vicodin.

She also mentioned how women have called in with this problem before, and that many times it can be a sign they are pregnant. She explained the ovaries can be aggravated by the hormones and HcG. This does not mean I am pregnant, but it is still a possibility.

I am completely clueless. We just want to know for sure.

Either way, we will have at least one more beta to confirm the results.

Thank you all for the love and support during this process. We hope and pray for a miracle tomorrow. Results will be posted in the evening.

To pee or not to pee . . .

I wanna pee on this damn stick tomorrow. But after looking back at my results from July, I'm afraid that my line will not show up on 12dpET or be so light that it's disappointing.

I'm afraid of a tiny beta--which would make me think one or both embies might be in my tubes again. The ectopic has made me "gun shy" about this whole process. I can't just be happy now when I get pregnant--Not at least until 7 weeks when I can see the ultrasound and know my tubes haven't exploded from the kiddos.

So I want to know--am I pregnant???

These PIO (Progesterone In Oil) shoots are a pain in my ass. A few days ago, DH was giving me my shot in the right side of my booty. When we pulled the giant needle out--blood squirted out like a pouting fountain--all over the white rug. Crazy, right?

I am hoping that I will have good (BFP) news very soon--so that I feel there is reason for doing all these shots and wearing these stupid estrogen patches that I hate. The patches come off all the time. They annoy me every time I move. Today they are lined up, three strong, on my lower back. Before that, I had my lower tummy tagged. Good thing it's not bikini season anymore! But man, everyday at 8:30pm our life has to STOP!

So do I POAS before BETA or not?

I'm not sure-- I'll have to decide tomorrow morning before I pee at the crack of dawn. But I've gotta be honest--I probably won't give the results if I do. I'd need to keep the "unsure-ness" of an "at-home-preggo-test" between DH and I until Monday afternoon. Then, when BETA arrives-- I'll let you in!

PRAY FOR US PEOPLE!!!! (All four of us! :D)

Fertility report--IN!

Let's get right to the point--

Nurse called. She told me the following:

• 7 of my 8 eggs retrieved were fully developed and could be fertilized.
• Out of those 7, 6 were successfully fertilized! (Can't wait to get my embie photos!)
• Apparently they must look pretty good thus far because the plan she told me is different than what the RE said yesterday. We transfer, Saturday! Blast transfer!!!

Yep, that's right! A 5-day blast transfer.

• You can read more about 5-day blast transfers here.
• Implantation rates of 5-day blast transfers here.
• Success rates of 5-day blast transfers here.

I am excited because this is what DH and I were really hoping for. Not only are the success rates greater, but the chances of multiples are more controlled at this stage. In addition, this means I will miss no more school this week and will only take off Monday, by choice, to give my uterus and embryos more time to cozy in with bed-rest.

I've heard many contradictory things about "how long is enough" for bed rest. I tend to lean on the side of caution. If we've gone this far, extra time in bed can only help.

I found on my last IUI (the only that was successful) that I laid in bed much of that day. Knowing that I am dealing with a hydrosalphinx which could possibly prevent implantation, it seems only logical to give my embryos all the chance I can for successful implantation.

I am beyond excited to get going with the ET. Now that I know the date, I am getting antsy.

What sucks about all of this?

Two things:

1. I won't hear anything about my embryos or ET again until Friday afternoon. (See: I will be calling my favorite nurse and bribing her with chocolate to go and look at my chart).
2. I begin the progesterone and oil injections today. BLECH. I hear they are the worst! Seriously, the needle is HUGE. I shall take a photo tonight and post it later.

I am going to try and stay a lot more calm and relaxed over this week. I'm going to try very hard to not let students piss me off. I am also going to try to not stress out too much about work or this whole process. (Good luck, right?)

Although I have chosen not to do acupuncture during this cycle, I have still done for spa treatments and massage during the past two months. I hope even for a short time it has helped me to relax.

Right now I am still bleeding a bit and in some pain (down below) from the ER yesterday. With each step I can feel pounding down there. I cannot get up quickly or walk fast--at all. I hope this goes away by Friday or that is going to be one painful transfer.

Tootles, all! Looks like the necklaces and socks are working!!! Is it Saturday, yet?

Egg Retrieval.

This morning was the egg retrieval. I was really hoping that we'd have at least 10-14 eggs retrieved. After all, they told me I had such a huge number of follies when we began. I was nervous., but prepared. I had on all three lucky necklaces and my lucky socks.

We arrived at the back door just before 8:40am. I felt like I was now part of the secret club. It was a private entrance for those of us having surgery, ER's or ET's. Not necessarily the club you dream of being a part of since you were a young child, but right now--I am proud card carrying member.

I went to my own little room with a curtain. I got into the gown and had my vitals checked. The nurse then listed off a huge set of instructions and medications I would need over the next two weeks.

DH was then wisked away from me to go give a fresh sample. "The sample of all samples". DH said, "This is the most important 'jack-off' in 31 years of life." True, true.

I then waited. . . and tried to relax. I figured I'd go back before DH returned--but then, there he was! I got to see him again before I walked back.

When the nurse came to get me, I went to the back room with her. One final pee before the procedure began. I had to crawl over the stirrups and get hooked in. They began by using the speculum and cleaning off my cervix to prevent infection. That kinda sucks. I didn't have the twilight hooked up yet and I HATE anything touching my cervix.

The anesthesiologist then numbed where she was putting in the IV. Seems pointless to me. Why numb something with a needle that you're just going to poke with another needle?

Anyways, both finished what they were doing and I could feel the sedation begin to kick in. I kinda enjoy it. It's a weird feeling. I reminded them that I wanted a photo of each ovary before they removed the eggs and before I knew it, things begin to blur and it's a soft fade into sleep.

Before I knew it, I was in my room again with DH staring at me. I never even saw the RE. For all I know a monkey came in and did the retrieval.

I did know I was feeling pain in my ovaries and abdomen. Cramping and intermittent sharp pains in really specific areas on both the left and right side. I also began to feel some bloating and pressure.

Once I sat for a while and the nurse had done several rounds of checking my blood pressure and pulse I was able to use the bathroom (again) get dressed. There was some bright red blood but not much. Nothing that made me want to pass out. Once changed I also took a vicodin of my own supply to help numb some of the pain. My RE says I can take those as long as I wish. But I'm not going to take more than 1 per day--and only then when I really need it.

Dh and I then waited a long time for the RE to finally appear and talk to us. He told us they retrieved 8 eggs.

That's it.

I know I should be thankful I got any. I know it only takes one. But I was really hoping that we'd have more. I'd like to have a backup in the deep freeze, if needed, and odds are it's not very likely that we will have many.

Either way, he told us we do not need ICSI and that we have a few scenarios in front of us:

• If all 8 are fertilized, we will automatically have a 5-day Blast transfer on Saturday.
• If less than 4 are fertilized, we will automatically have a 3-day transfer on Thursday.
• If 4-7 are fertilized and look good, we will check on Thursday morning and then decide if it will be a transfer than day or Saturday. (This is the choice I want the least).

The last two options are the least appealing, but also the most likely. It would be a pure miracle if all 8 are fertilized--but I am hoping and praying or it. Truly, I am.

I accept all forms of support and good thoughts! We are hoping for our miracle baby or babies!!! Our beta is on Monday, the 25th-- I am officially in the 2WW--even without the embabies inside me! SO CRAZY!!!

Love you all, thanks for the support!

A day without stims. . .

10.9.10

I spent my early Saturday morning driving to the RE for the 7th day in a row. They took my blood and did an ultrasound--again. Nothing out of the normal but we knew it would be Monday or Tuesday for the ER.

On the way home Dh and finally stopped at this "pancake house" we pass each visit to the RE.

It. was. awesome.

I had raspberry compote and cream cheese stuffed french toast with bananas on top. DH had a huge veggie skillet with hash browns underneath. If the eggs don't want to be made into babies for a piece of that in their future-- I don't know what else to do. :)

After a few hours we go the call.

My test results are listed on the side bar again. But in addition to that, they told me, "You're coming in Monday." AHHH Crazy!! It is time!!!

My egg retrieval will be this Monday at 9:10am. I need to be there by 8:40am to get settled and ready so that they can get started exactly 34 hours later. Hopefully, the eggs/follies won't have release before then!

I will have IV "twilight" sedation. I will also be wearing my lucky socks, my "exchange necklace", my horseshoe necklace, my feather (honeymoon gift) necklace and anything else I can find that will be lucky. Anyone else have thoughts!!?? :)

They told me I was DONE with Lupron, Gonal-F and baby aspirin. The only shot for the night was 10,000 units of HcG at 11:10pm.

Other guidelines include:

• No "sexy-time" until the ER.
• East and drink nothing after midnight Sunday.
• NO perfume, lotions or fingernail polish.
• DH needs to be there to make his "fresh deposit" and drive me home.
• Wait for call from anesthesia office to call with info.

After the ER on Monday, they will check out the eggs and fertilize them with DH's sperm. I will have to decide tomorrow whether we are doing ICSI or not. I prefer NOT to do ICSI unless we only have very few eggs or very low quality sperm. In light of all the 'technical and medical' interventions we have had to go through so far, I'd like to at least keep the fertilizing step up to mother nature--kinda, I mean, it's still happening in a dish. But, I think you get my point. I'd prefer not to have the selection of my child chosen by some nurse I've never met. I prefer the "throw them all together and see what happens" method.

After they have fertilized the eggs-now embryos (which ever method) we wait to see how they grow and divide. They will call me by Tuesday before noon. (See: I will be freakin' out all day until I know). At that point we will have information about how many eggs were successfully fertilized, what grade the embryos are, and how many they suggest putting in (we hope for at least two). If there are only a few embryos we will most likely do a "day three transfer" which would be Thursday. If there are many to choose from that are all progressing well, we will do a "5 day transfer" also known as a "blast transfer".

I will not post again until tomorrow after the ER. I hope all goes well and that my original 43 follies turn into some great numbers tomorrow. Wish me luck-- I'll see you on the flip-side. . . probably ten pounds lighter! :)

One more day of stims.

(Above: Left Follies, Below: Right Follies).

I received all my updates this afternoon at school. (I am always anxious to call as soon as 3 o'clock hits!) The nurse told me my numbers (see: right side bar) and said that I won't have the ER on 10.10.10, but most likely the next day Monday, 10.11.10 or at the latest Tuesday, 10.12.10. I am DAYS AWAY PEOPLE--DAYS! DH should feel lucky if I hold back from counting hours and minutes!

I am bummed that I will have to take off more school for this but it's another instance of "it will all be worth it in the end". There are about 36 follies at this point that are worth measuring. Some of the original 43 have "dissolved" into the others or haven't been keeping up. It is funny to me because the right ovary had 29 follies at the first count. Now it has less jumbo follies because each of the 29 follies had to "share the stim medication" with the others. While the left ovary had only 14 follies to begin with, so there was more medication to go around and therefore the follies we able to grow larger. Ah, so is life. . .

I'm hoping all the follies have some eggs to retrieve. I'm thankful that I have ANY follies, but would really like to have a bunch that are able to go to freeze. Unless we are able to use those for a FET, we will most likely not do another IVF cycle until Summer--but this will work so why am I even wondering? :)

In the meantime, DH and I are addicted to all-foods-crappy. We are about to indulge in some Little Caesars $5 pizza for dinner. I wish we could get our eating habits back on track. We are not huge or overweight (in fact DH runs marathons) but we usually eat much better. Last year at this time I was on a vegan cleanse. We just can't seem to get back on track.

We're stressed, tired, and I am HUNGRY ALL THE TIME. I have gained 10 pounds from the meds and this way of eating. Crazy.

All I do know is, when I get the positive pregnancy test, I will repeat my habits of the last pregnancy--I am a fitness/diet animal. I paid good money for this baby (or babies)--I'm treatin' it right!

CD9 and counting. . .

It appears I am VERY close to my ER.

The estimated date was 10.10.10. I think they may be right. It will most likely either be Sunday or Monday. Tricky when you are a teacher. I have to make and prepare sub-plans tonight for Monday in case I am not in. BAH!

Either way, it will be worth it--I just have to find the motivation to get my butt in gear.

In other news, Yesterday was a bit of a mess with scheduling my day. I was running on a tight schedule hoping to get back to school in time to teacher ALL of my classes that day. However, before we even got a few miles down he highway, there was a HUGE accident and it pushed us 30-40 minutes late. . . which of course threw everything else off for the rest of the day. I have to say though, with all the driving DH and I have been doing down to IL over the past few weeks, we are simply thankful it was not us in the fatal car accident.

Today, went much better. It was a halfway calm day. We went in, I got poked for blood work and an u/s and then DH made his "emergency deposit".

Allow me to explain: If there was any trouble with DH providing a "sample", "deposit", "splooge" on the ER date, we'd be screwed. So to take stress off of DH and to give us some added security, DH did a "just in case sample" that will be checked and frozen today. If for whatever reason he can't give on on ER date, they will just use the frozen sample from today. it's an extra 100 bucks, but compared to what this whole thing has cost us in time and money--that's chump change.

We also got more update on follie sizes. (See sidebar to right).

I'm pretty happy with where things are right now. In a way its good to know that not 43 follies have grown to 16mm. On the other hand, I wish more of them would grow faster and catch up with their bigger sisters. As long as they are big and strong or "Big is beautiful" as the u/s tech said today, then it will all be okay. (16mm is needed).

Hopefully, tomorrow is the last "during a school day" that I will have to travel to the RE and then to school. For ER and ET, when I'm back--I stay put!

BRING IT!!!

Another day filled with frustration. This is getting old.

Spent the morning in the emergency room. Yeah, I know I must be living on top of an Indian burial ground.

In light of all the other craziness, I've not mentioned the massive amount of pain I've been in. My neck, back (no I'm not singing that song. . . dirty minds.) and arm on my left side are KILLING ME. I'm not sure what I pulled or tore during this last week, but I can't even turn my neck or lift my arms properly. It's bad people, real bad. Biggest problem? I can't take the muscle relaxer they've prescribed because they don't have enough evidence to know what harm it causes pregnant women. WTF. So in the meantime, I must sit in pain. I've made an apt with the spine center-- I hope they can fix me.

In other news, the ultrasound tech/ nurse, whatever was the crankiest bitch today--yes, more than usual. The clinic was unexplainably late today. We arrived on time and there was no one in any of the rooms. I went in for my blood work and briefly talked to the nurse.

No one really told me what was going on after this point. One nurse told me to go into a u/s room. So I did. They told me to go empty my bladder (Also see: take a pee) as usual. I did. I came out and DH had my stuff in his hands and the tech kinda pushed us into another room without really saying anything.

I finally went and asked if I should be getting undressed (as usual). She said, "Just wait."

Uh, okay.

So poor DH who had been in the ER with me since 4:30am and then drove all the way to Chicago and had to work later had to sit there with me. And we sat. . . . and sat. . .and then DH tried to sleep. So did I, but my neck hurt too badly to fall asleep.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted to know what the heck was going on. Am I still waiting? Is someone coming? What is the hold up?

I just stuck my head out and said to the one nurse, "Do you know how much longer it is going to be? We've been in this room for over a half an hour without anyone telling us why or what we are waiting for?"

She seemed a little surprised that I even asked what was going on. But said she was sorry and that my RE was running behind. I asked if he was going to be giving the u/s. She said he wasn't. . . . so why am I waiting for him then?

Finally, the foreign u/s tech came in and told us to move to the other room again. She was mumbling something about how things get backed up and the doctor does what he wants and saying things that made it seem like we were being too uptight about the wait.

Before, I was fine. I just wanted to know what was going on.

Now, I was mad. She was accusing me of being unreasonable. Like I did something wrong by asking how much longer I;d have to wait past my apt time?

During the u/s I didn't say a thing. I seriously wanted to cry. DH stood there with his hand on my chest and didn't say anything either.

After she finished she said, "I can see you're upset."

I tried to explain why and that I wasn't upset before, I just wanted to ask what was going on. Why is that a problem? I have no idea how this got so blown out of proportion. But again, something must have gotten lost on translation. There was an uncomfortable silence and feeling in the office on the way out. We left angry and confused as to what had just happened.

All I know is, we've paid wayyyyyy too much money to be treated like this. Especially since we now have to go in every day this week. . . most likely every day until the retrieval.

On the way home, I tried to relax and talk with DH. But we were very agitated and tired, not at each other, just at this whole situation.

When we arrived home, we took a nap before DH had to go to work. I took the whole day off luckily. I usually don't but since the apt time was so late (9:00am) I decided it might be best. Glad I did. Hardly got any sleep last night and with my neck in such pain, I would have been horrible to be around today. Students--be glad I called in.

This afternoon, I called the medical voicemail where I got my stim instructions for tonight. Another day of 75 units of Gonal-F and then 5 units of Lupron.

They also said I have 29 follicles on my right side and 14 on my left. That's 43 follies people!

As of yesterday, sizes are 11, 10, two-9's, four-8's, four-7's and then lots of little guys.

If these guys keep growing and develop well, hopefully I won;t have to go through another full IVF cycle again. Good Lord, PLEASE!