Impatient.

Man I am stressed.

And anxious. . . .

And nervous. . . .

And impatient. . . .

I'm trying to keep busy and reassure myself that it'll all work out.  I've been sneezing like crazy the last few days and that was an odd side-effect I had while pregnant last time.  I tell myself my BETA will be HUGE and that my pee-stick shall be dark.

But it's a long way off. . . Monday feels forever from now. . . and what if it's negative?  What if my sneezes are because I'm allergic to one of my meds?

I keep reminding myself that I am lucky to have these two beautiful boys already in my life; that no matter what happens, I'm already "blessed" or "have won" or whatever cliche phrase I can come up with.   But damn that's hard.   Much easier said than done.  

Mason at the Apple Farm.  Sept 2013.  ALL Rights reserved.

Chris at the Apple Farm. Sept 2013.  ALL Rights reserved. 

I think the stress of knowing these are the last two shots I have, period, are weighing on me. 

Last time I knew I had 4 embryos left, the time before 6.  And either way, I could do a fresh cycle again.  But it's just a lot of stress, money and time for us when we already have Mason and Chris.  

So it winds back to "I should be happy for what I have".  

I am.

I'm very happy.

I'm  double-y blessed.

I've won against seemingly impossible odds. 

I love theses boys more than I ever thought I could and wouldn't trade them for the world; I'm ridiculously lucky. 

But I don't feel complete.