Damn you electronic stick!!!

Yes, another month.

Come and gone.

And so has the egg. . .

It's now month nine and yet another BFN. (Big Fat Negative). With all the stress going on a round me, trying to look for a new job placement, packing, selling our home, buying a new one, moving, end of the quarter (grading massive amounts of work), asking for letters of recommendation, etc etc etc, I am a little overwhelmed.

So now with the absurd price of clomid on the way (5 pills= $75) I can feel the strings tightening. Don't get me wrong, I'm going to give it a try. Three more months. That will take us up to almost a year. If nothing happens then, I'll begin to reconsider my priorities.

Do I want to become a parent or do I want to prove something to fate? Am I trying to "beat this thing"? Is THAT my goal?

I came across a four year old "O" magazine yesterday. I decided to actually look at it and came across an article. Written by a
women who struggled with fertility issues herself. It is based on the book Waiting for Daisy: A Tale of Two Continents, Three Religions, Five Infertility Doctors, an Oscar, an Atomic Bomb, a Romantic Night and One Woman's Quest to Become a Mother. I suggest the read.

Anyways, it's made me rethink what my motive truly is. Is it to be a mother? Give my husband a biological child? To prove I am not broken?

I'm still trying to figure that out. But with clomid now within the next week, I struggle with that question. Is it worth taking a pill said to possibly cause cancer? Especially when I have already had a cervical cancer scare, it is a thought that I have often.

Either way, I hear there are some pretty damn funny things that happen to women's hormones when on clomid. I'll be taking 50mg this first go around. I have a sneakin' feeling that I will be a bag 'o hormones on a roller coaster. Oh. . . it's going to be good. I would feel so sorry for my DH (Darling Husband) if I didn't have to be the one going through all this crap.