I'm Done.

I'm Done.

I'm so beyond done with the sex because we HAVE to "thing".

When did this turn from sex because we liked it to sex because we 'have' to.

Isn't this supposed to be the fun part? That's what all the books say. I think they far misunderstand the issues that plague the lives to couples that have trouble conceiving.
It's not fun.
It's schedules. It's late nights. It's caffeine induced mornings, afternoons, and evenings before it all happens again--somewhat begrudgingly. It's not that you mean to--it just happens.

It makes you crazy.

The stress and want to begin the family you always dreamed, hoped, and wished for becomes overwhelming. It's all you think, read, and talk about. Yet it is the one thing that seems to be impossible.
And for all you know it is.
Knowing that you could be the one that is crushing your spouses dreams is an unbearable weight to carry. It's a guilt that I'm not sure if I could ever get over.

That's the worst part.

That you know, perhaps, all of your tiring, late nights, and arguments are for nothing. I don't know what the couples therapy rates are for married couples with infertility, but it must be considerable. ( How big are those bags under their eyes? )

It's the dark secret.

You usually don't talk about it with your friends or family, yet you're pressured at EVERY SINGLE family event to "get knocked up" and "give 'em some Grandchildren". You know while youshouldn't get mad because no one wants to assume you have a fertility issue--you do. Sometimes you just can't help but begrudge them for being so inconsiderate. And overtime it gets worse.

When not fertility but infertility becomes the center of your world, that world changes. Quite different from the one many couples know and wouldn't think to consider anything special. I'm sure if I had gotten pregnant immediately, I wouldn't have thought twice about it either. But here I am, and this world is beginning to drive me nuts.