UPDATE: I was out of town.

Yes, I was on vacation and although I thought I would have time to post updates during my trip--Not so much the case.

Just the whole shot ordeal was somethin'. Allow me to drop some knowledge on you:

Thursday, April 8th, I went into the doctor for the ultrasound of my follicles. We were hoping that they were at least 20mm. After waiting WAYYYY too long for the nurse practitioner to get her ass in there (Apparently, she was taking a phone call for over 25 minutes. . . .HELLO!!! I AM IN HERE. You know THE BUILDING! With my pants off and feet in the stirrups, thank you. Tell THAT person to make an appointment and drive all the way here!) Anyways, after she finally got in there, she lubed up this plastic, uh hem, phallic looking object with a condom on it. Yes, a condom. It was very S&M.

Once I could see it on the monitor, I saw these odd black blobs. Kind of like the side of a dalmatian. She moved the "probe" around, causing a lot of pressure. I had three good ones on the right side. (Left was kinda vacant since we ladies release one side at a time). I think the biggest (pictured above) was ALMOST 20mm. This meant I had to wait until the next day to get the HcG shit, I mean, shot. The nurse said the follies grow about 2mm per day, so by the next morning, I'd be good to go. "Give the shot around 9am", she says.

One problem. One BIG problem. We were flying to the East coast at 6:05am. Then, the inlaws were picking us up at the airport. We're trying to keep this whole ordeal a secret from just about everybody (Yes, I know I am posting this all online, but only people in the know, know about this site). So to make a long story short, we planned to do the shot the only way we could think of, after we landed, in the family restroom. Turns out all the restrooms were locked, and when we got to an open one, some old janitor walks in. While we are waiting, my mother in-law busts in the door.

SHIT.

We had to give it then, because we were headed out for family stuff until we finally got to the hotel in the late afternoon!

My DH decided to tell her we needed to use the restrooms, which we did, and we'd be out in a second. Well, the second turned into about 20 minutes by the time the janitor was out of the restroom and we were done with the shot. (Side note: No biggy. I thought it would hurt like HELL, but my DH did an amazing job, and the nurse had drawn a target on my ass the day before. Seriously, she did.)

So we walk out and now his Dad is inside looking for us. Good Lord people. PATIENCE. My husband decided to make up a story that he had massive bowel issues. Love him for things like that :)

We went on with our trip. The day was fine, and I felt no real side-effects. The next day, we walked all over the place and I was definitely tired. But somehow, we had to sneak back in and have baby-making sex sometime around the 36-hour mark after the shot. Well, that would've been 9pm.....IN THE MIDDLE OF DINNER planned with the entire family. We figured 4:15pm was a close as we could get before we left with my in-laws. And if you haven't noticed, they like to be "on-time". They called us twice and stopped by the room before we were supposed to meet them at 4:45. (Oh yeah, and we had just seen them on the way TO the room). Needless to say it was a scheduling nightmare.


I'm not sure if ANYTHING we did over the weekend was good enough to make a baby. But we gave it our best shot. I believe somewhere around the 24th I can test. Good grief, the 2 week wait strikes again!!!!!

Tomorrow' another BIG DAY.

Yep. It's here.

Tomorrow, I go into the doc's office and get an ultrasound of my follicles, hope they're 20mm, and get a shot of HcG in my ass.

Seems different than what I have previously reported as the next step, no?

Well, when I went in last Thursday, Dr. threw me a curve ball. She kind of jumped ahead 3 months without really making much recognition of it. But hey, I was getting extremely impatient with the speed we were at. I was actually going to ask her that day if we could push things a head a bit. But then she comes right at me with--now were going to do clomid, intrauterine ultrasounds, HcG, and IUI.

What the?

Seriously. Already . . . Okay. Works for me. . . . oh crap! I'm heading out of town Friday. Can't do the IUI. . . .next time IUI. This time all the above except IUI (See: "Regular sex"). Got that? I know, confusing.

Basically, over the last week, my life has hit the fast forward 3 months to this stage. Last Friday I began 50mg of Clomiphene. Monday, my DH and I went into the doc's office for an extremely pointless video on infertility. They apparently show it to all the NEW patients. However, they "forgot" to show it, (and the price list for services), to us until after we've already done all the services in the first 4/5 of the video. DULLS-VILLE. But afterwards, my husband learned how to make me lean into the wall, stick my butt out at him, and bend over. Seriously. That way he can line the HcG shot up with the "meaty" part of my ass. That's the point where he can jam this GIANT hypodermic needle in. Capitol, F-U-N.

So that day went "well". Tomorrow though we check my follicles, as I mentioned earlier. They need to be 20mm in order for them to be "toasty and ready". Then, I can get the $115.00 single shot of HcG. The HcG shot causes Ovulation to occur. This apparently means 36 hours later that egg is ready for some swimmers!!! Yes, I have to time the horizontal mambo 36 hours after I get the shot. This will be interesting since I am leaving for a trip with my in-laws the next day. "Oh, sorry all. I know we're in the middle of dinner, but I gotta go "do" your son." Perhaps, I should phrase it, "Make you some Grandbabies?"

That is the story IF I have some toasty follicles that are 20mm+. If I don't, I have to wait to get the shot. We will have to estimate how big the follicles will be the next day, the one after that and so on based on what we see tomorrow. Then, the day we think they should be at 20mm, DH gives me the shot 'o fun.

So, basically, tomorrow IS A BIG DAY. It could lower my stress level considerably if I have some 20mm follies by 9:30am.

Pray for me people.

I hope this month is the month more than ever. It will be our last go at it in a semi-"natural" way. After this month, we would turn to IUI and then-- God forbid, IVF.

Updates come tomorrow night! :) Night all--GROW FOLLIES GROOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!

Clomiphene, Day 1

Dizziness, Nausea, vomiting, mood swings, hot flashes, multiple births (twins, etc.), headaches, breast tenderness. . .

Those are just a few of the symptoms my Clomiphene Rx said I could expect. However, I am only taking 50mg and on day one. So far, nothin'.

I did feel hot today, but I was moving furniture outside in the sun on an 80 degree day. Pretty sure that wasn't the pills.

When I asked my DH if I "was moody today", he simply said, in his usual manner, "No." I'll take that, my quiet, watching TV and trying to ignore me, husband. I'll take that.

But tomorrow, it is "pill two" or "pill numero dos", if you talk strangely like I do. Is it strange that I am looking forward to the bizarre symptoms? At least the mild ones. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to become nauseous or vomit. But a good old fashioned night sweat or turkey timer titties might be kinda fun. After all, I need to enjoy my money, right?

Updates to come when symptoms arise. But FYI: the plans for this week have been drastically changed from what I thought they would be for our fertility plans. I'll let you in on it by Monday :) HAPPY SPRING BREAK TO ME!!!!

Dun, dun, duuuuunnnnn!!!!

Yep, tomorrow's the day.

For all teacher's it is exciting. SPRING BREAK begins with the ringing of the last bell. But the best part is my three month "Just keep trying" period is OVER. Let me say that again, O-V-E-R. Tomorrow, I will get my Rx for clomid (AKA:clomiphene citrate).

I have to say though. After chatting with some extremely helpful women in "The Bump" chat room for infertility, I am less nervous in some respects, while more curious in others.

For example: I think I will save myself 60 dollars each month and go with the generic version of clomid, because, not only is it a lot of money initially (we're talking 80 bucks for 5 pills!), but if I have to bump it up to 100mg or 150mg. . . .that's A LOT of shoe money I'm saving.

Secondly, I am prepared for the night sweats. Not only do I have three, count 'em, three sets of sheets waiting in the wings, I also have the spare bed ready for my DH if it gets "too damp". However, perhaps this won't be so bad . . . .HA! There's always dreaming, right?

Lastly, I am "curious" as to how much of a raging bitch I will turn into after I've been on this for a while. I like to think most days I can be rather chill. However, I do know my Croatian temper can sometimes get the best of me---and my husband. I don't know if he is "curious" so much as scared shitless.

So I will keep you posted. I'm also in the market for a good RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hopefully, that will soothe any question I have about my OBGYN's advice.

ON TILL MORNING.

Damn you electronic stick!!!

Yes, another month.

Come and gone.

And so has the egg. . .

It's now month nine and yet another BFN. (Big Fat Negative). With all the stress going on a round me, trying to look for a new job placement, packing, selling our home, buying a new one, moving, end of the quarter (grading massive amounts of work), asking for letters of recommendation, etc etc etc, I am a little overwhelmed.

So now with the absurd price of clomid on the way (5 pills= $75) I can feel the strings tightening. Don't get me wrong, I'm going to give it a try. Three more months. That will take us up to almost a year. If nothing happens then, I'll begin to reconsider my priorities.

Do I want to become a parent or do I want to prove something to fate? Am I trying to "beat this thing"? Is THAT my goal?

I came across a four year old "O" magazine yesterday. I decided to actually look at it and came across an article. Written by a
women who struggled with fertility issues herself. It is based on the book Waiting for Daisy: A Tale of Two Continents, Three Religions, Five Infertility Doctors, an Oscar, an Atomic Bomb, a Romantic Night and One Woman's Quest to Become a Mother. I suggest the read.

Anyways, it's made me rethink what my motive truly is. Is it to be a mother? Give my husband a biological child? To prove I am not broken?

I'm still trying to figure that out. But with clomid now within the next week, I struggle with that question. Is it worth taking a pill said to possibly cause cancer? Especially when I have already had a cervical cancer scare, it is a thought that I have often.

Either way, I hear there are some pretty damn funny things that happen to women's hormones when on clomid. I'll be taking 50mg this first go around. I have a sneakin' feeling that I will be a bag 'o hormones on a roller coaster. Oh. . . it's going to be good. I would feel so sorry for my DH (Darling Husband) if I didn't have to be the one going through all this crap.

The Big "O"

No not that one.

It's day two of what my tester says is ovulation. I believe it is month seven, eight? I'm not sure. I'm beginning to lose count. The beautiful thing is it might be the month!

Yet, if it's not, April is coming and this year it brings Easter. . . . Easter brings eggs. . . (See where I'm going with this horrible attempt at a joke?). . . and this year the Easter Bunny is bringing me Clomid grown eggs.

Yes, it is official. April 1st is not for fools! It's for better quality ovaries, thank you. :) I have an appointment with my OBGYN for the 1st. I'll be getting a pregnancy test (It's the end of the 2WW at that point) and a Rx for Clomid!!! (If I'm not already hosting a little one).

It is said that clomid (and the metformin I have been taking) can help women with PCOS conceive. More here.

I am hoping that either way--if the drugs work or not, if I am "prego", as my husband says, by April or not, I will have enough faith in the clomid and Metformin for the placebo effect to take over! :)

I'm Done.

I'm Done.

I'm so beyond done with the sex because we HAVE to "thing".

When did this turn from sex because we liked it to sex because we 'have' to.

Isn't this supposed to be the fun part? That's what all the books say. I think they far misunderstand the issues that plague the lives to couples that have trouble conceiving.
It's not fun.
It's schedules. It's late nights. It's caffeine induced mornings, afternoons, and evenings before it all happens again--somewhat begrudgingly. It's not that you mean to--it just happens.

It makes you crazy.

The stress and want to begin the family you always dreamed, hoped, and wished for becomes overwhelming. It's all you think, read, and talk about. Yet it is the one thing that seems to be impossible.
And for all you know it is.
Knowing that you could be the one that is crushing your spouses dreams is an unbearable weight to carry. It's a guilt that I'm not sure if I could ever get over.

That's the worst part.

That you know, perhaps, all of your tiring, late nights, and arguments are for nothing. I don't know what the couples therapy rates are for married couples with infertility, but it must be considerable. ( How big are those bags under their eyes? )

It's the dark secret.

You usually don't talk about it with your friends or family, yet you're pressured at EVERY SINGLE family event to "get knocked up" and "give 'em some Grandchildren". You know while youshouldn't get mad because no one wants to assume you have a fertility issue--you do. Sometimes you just can't help but begrudge them for being so inconsiderate. And overtime it gets worse.

When not fertility but infertility becomes the center of your world, that world changes. Quite different from the one many couples know and wouldn't think to consider anything special. I'm sure if I had gotten pregnant immediately, I wouldn't have thought twice about it either. But here I am, and this world is beginning to drive me nuts.