Baseline #1 and Frostie 'relocation' photos.

Today was my first "Baseline" for FET #2.

I've gone back to the first RE I ever had back home in the Milwaukee area.  There were just too many things pissing me off at the clinic in Waukegan.  The billing department is run by a crazy lady that lies to me face. on voicemails and the phone.  I was done.  Too many charges and too many screw-ups.  (Remember them putting in the wrong embryo in 2011???)

I'm back now to the same doctor I saw to have my last two IUI's, the second which led to my first of two ectopic pregnancies.  Now no one is perfect.  While this clinic is hours closer (i.e: 20 minutes from my new house) and more than 1,000 bucks cheaper, it seems to have a couple nurses with heads up their butts.  For the last month or two one nurse has been telling me my FET transfer date would be 3-5 days later then it actually should be.  I may not have a nursing degree but I have done this a few times-- apparently they have not???  I had the dates I assumed confirmed today by the RE.

Anyways, today was my baseline.  The new clinic does things a bit differently then my old clinic.  It makes me nervous because last time worked.

These things include:

• Hardly any meds.  I take BCP, estrogen pills and Progesterone in Oil (PIO).   The last clinic was that with the addition of medrol, tetracycline, progesterone suppository, lupron, low-dose aspirin and probably something else. . . 
• This clinic does not do blood tests during the baseline u/s. 
• There is no hand written specific plan made out for me with individualized dates.  Just a generic form I could have printed off their website.  
• We have yet to have training for the PIO.  Not that we haven't done that shot a billion times, but it was 2 1/2 years ago and we could use a refresher. 
• No OTC Ovulation Predictor kits (OPK).

Between all those things and my RE almost canceling my FET this cycle, I'm a little concerned and stressed. Yep, all because he clearly never even looked at my file to see that I have a HUGE hydrosalphinx in my right fallopian tube.  He thought it was a giant cyst and declared that I'd be going back onto BCP for another month.  I asked him if he was perhaps looking at my hydro.  Yep, the u/s tech was.  DUH!!!!  He then said it could still be a problem with pregnancy.  I asked how that could be so since I had my tubes disconnected back in 2010?  

Yep, didn't see that either.  

How exactly is this supposed to make me feel more comfortable?  

It's not that I'm expecting a lot from any clinic.  I just want to feel as though I am an individual patient.  That you took TWO SECONDS to look at my file and see some SIGNIFICANT areas that should be addressed.  Especially since I just laid down $3,000 upon entering your clinic and hauled both of my embryos over 100 miles from my previous clinic to yours.  (See below). 

The boys wishing the safe journey to their fraternal "twin" embryo siblings.  Well, the container anyways.  I was on the way to pick up the frosties.  Sorry--they never sit still.

The fro sties in their mobile storage device.  Cruising with Mom along I-94N and the scenic side streets to their new home in Milwaukee.  Welcome to WI embies!

One last smooch before they leave me again to go into the deep-freeze in their new (temporary) home.

Back to the baseline Results.

Well the FET is still on for the approx. date of Oct 8th.  I will have another baseline u/s on Oct 2nd to make sure everything is a "go".  My lining looked good--and I had no cysts ;)

Perhaps he will remember me next time--or at least glance at my file before he walks in.  One can only hope. 

It's my birthday-- I'll post this for sure!

I took this about week ago.

My boys are now 3 months old adjusted since the 27th.

I can't believe it. Coming up on 6 months old gestation.

I have so much to update. I don;t even know where to begin or where I left off.

Hopefully, for my birthday, I will be gifted the time to blog! :)

Thanks all for bearing with me. Crazy busy is an understatement!

TWO MONTHS!

My beautiful boys are TWO MONTHS OLD today! I can't believe it has been so long!

Everyday, DH and I have driven back and forth to the hospital to see them, change their diapers, take their temperatures, hold them, feed them, etc, etc . . .I'm starting to think I should get paid at the hospital! :)

They are truly amazing little babies! Today, Mason weighed 6lbs 7 oz. Christopher weighed 6lbs 1 oz. They have more than doubled their weight since birth!

More on the boys:

Mason-
Weighing 6 lbs 7oz and eating 55cc's at each feeding 8/day. He gets many of his feedings by bottle or breast, however he still needs some support from the gavage tube (feeding tube inserted through his nose). He is also still on the monitor that measures his RR (respiratory rate) and HR (heart rate) via three probes on his chest. Mason is also working on getting his HCT (hematocrit) high enough so that he won't need a blood transfusion. His current level was 24 today! :) That is up from 20 last Monday. This is great news since it should be between 32-42. Basically, the HCT is is the number of red blood cells he has in his blood--without an average amount of the red blood cells he has no energy. That means no energy to eat from the bottle or breast--which then means no going home. . . it's a vicious cycle.

Mason has had good results in most other areas. Yet, I am still concerned about signs of very early ROP in one of his eyes. Unrelated, I am also wondering how long this crazy yellow/green eye drainage he has is going to continue. They ran a culture on it and nothing seems to reveal red flags. Everyone keeps saying it must be a bad case of 'clogged tear ducts'. Well that damn tear duct has been clogged for over a month now and I can only de-crust and wipe out his eyes so many times in a day. I wish there was a better answer.

Anyone have experience with this? Thoughts?

Over all, Mason is a pretty happy little boy! He loves to eat and suck on his pacifier. He is also a big fan of being held after he breast feeds--which he is getting so good at. It is fast becoming our favorite time together :) He has also passed his OT (Occupational therapy) appointments with flying colors! Dr. Sue is so impressed! :)

Mason 1 day old. . .

Mason 2 months old. . .

Christopher-
Weighing 6lbs 1oz today he has finally broken the 6 lb weight barrier! He is currently eating 53cc's at each feeding 8/day. However, he is not as advanced as Mason in his 'nipple feedings'. He takes most of his feedings via gavage, but is working hard with the speech therapist to become better at latching on during bottle feedings, which will then help his breast feedings as well. Christopher has had a few successful breast feedings so far, but they are limited to a maximum of 10-15 minute bursts. His HCT (Hematocrit) is much lower than Mason's which of course means he has even less energy. Monday is was only 19, so the news of 20.7 today, although low is welcome news because that means it is increasing. He has already had two transfusions and I (and the doctors) would like to avoid another one if possible. Transfusing can trick the body into stopping the production of new red blood cells. It causes the body to think, "Hey! We got enough here--hold the production line!" --which in turn only makes things worse later down the road.

Moreover, I think Christopher reflux is what is holding him back most. It really is bad. He is constantly refluxing, coughing and waking up from sleep. No wonder he is tired! If I had that kind of reflux, I wouldn't want to eat either. The only thing that seems to solve the problem is to hold him during and after his feedings-- pretty tricky when you have twins exclusively on your breast milk and need to pump/feed every 2-3 hours!

Christopher is also still on the monitor that measures his RR (respiratory rate) and HR (heart rate) via three probes on his chest. He has had no alarms today; A welcome Birthday gift I am sure! While Mason may have to be watched more closely for ROP, at last check Christopher's seems less likely to cause as much of a problem, although the chance is still there. Christopher also has one more OT appointment on Monday at 11am. Hopefully he will still be right on track and not need anymore appointments with Dr. Sue by the time he goes home.

Christopher is a very sweet little boy! He likes to observe a lot. He can sit wide-eyed in my arms for over an hour just looking around at things in the room. He holds his hands across his chest and seems to know wayyyy more than a little baby his age should. While he has not shown as much interest in nipple feedings as Mason has, he is beginning to come around. Lately, he has begun to develop interest in his pacifier. This is great not only to help train him for nipple feeds but also to perhaps help with the amount that his 'tongue tied' issue effect his feedings. Using the pacifier can help stretch out his tongue, bringing it forward and sometimes correcting the problem on his own without the need for 'surgery'.

Christopher 1 day old. . .

Christopher 2 months old. . .

Happy two month birthday to my adorable little angels!

I love you more than words could ever say. I can't wait to have you home with Daddy and I-- we are hoping you will BOTH be home to stay by Christmas!

Love, Mommy.

xoxo

Tongue Tied? WTH.

So Christopher is apparently "tongue tied".

Not 'tongue tied' as in "I can't speak". The 'tongue tied' that causes issues with breast feeding, bottle feeding, speech and according to many reports--"french kissing later in life". Much later I hope. But I'd hate to be yelled at years down the road when my son is dating.

The issue is "resolved" by cutting/snipping the frenulum underneath the tongue. (The thing that attaches your tongue to the bottom of your mouth. But ewww and ouch!!! My poor baby!

So. . . what to do???

I'm still in debate.

My boys are breathing on their own!

Chris is off the nasal cannula!

That means both boys are breathing by themselves. :) Chris is still having some dips in his oxygen levels but hopefully over the next few days, he will be able to figure it out on his own. Chris is also has begun breast feeding-- well, kinda. He has had two very short tires at it. He also had a bottle for the first time yesterday. He took 5cc's so that's not bad for his first time.

It's hard for me to make him do the feeding for a long time, because he seems to get so easily tired. He's still very puffy with his edema so I don't want to over stress him at this point--and he has his IV in his head! I'm afraid of bumping it too much. He still needs it for his antibiotics being given for the staph infection that was from his PIC-line.

Mason is still breast feeding one time per day. He is taking quite a bit. Yesterday he went for 25 minutes with just a few burp breaks! Mason's other feedings are a mixture of bottle feeds and gavage feedings.

We are hoping they continue on the good path that they are currently on. But we know it will be at least a few more weeks before Mason could come home-- and even longer for Christopher. It's a mixed blessing: we would love nothing more than to have them home right now-- but on the flip-side, we haven't finished their nursery yet!

My birth story. . .Finally.

Before I forget everything, I should probably explain the boys big day. After all, it will be 5 weeks tomorrow! I can't believe it! I waited for so long to write one of these and now I feel time slipping away. Oh how life works sometimes. . . (Brace yourselves--it's long!)

Friday, September 9th, 2011. (The day before).

ME to DH: I spent a lot of time today finalizing my list for things that will go into my hospital bag. I typed it all up in a word document, see? (Shows the list).

DH: That's good to be prepared.

ME: Yep. We should pack it by week 30, for sure. (1 week and 2 days away.) I mean, we want to be ready and prepared!

Saturday, September 10th, 2011.

7:00am- I am up to pee for the 10th time that night. Literately every 2 hours like clockwork.

I climb back into bed, feeling fine now that I have just emptied my squashed bladder, again.

ME to DH: I am so glad we have more time to prepare. (Seriously, this is the conversation we are having).

DH: Yeah, we've got a lot of time to get things done over the next couple months-- don't worry.

ME: Yeah and it would really stink to have their birthdays today, right before 9/11. (Lists off a bunch of people who have birthdays on 9/10).

We yabber on some more about how happy we are that there is still time and that we avoided such a sad day near their birthdays and then doze off to sleep again-- for a minute or two.

7:15am-ish.--Zzzzzzz. . . . KAPOW!

I felt like one of them kicked or punched me right in the cervix! I thought, "That's strange, haven't felt one like that before. I guess they do get stronger."

And I laid there for a moment. Then, I felt a small amount of fluid come out.

And I laid there. . . .

I thought, "That could just be some more CM like I had been having. No biggy."

But then my mind started thinking, "What if it's blood?!?!?"

So I couldn't just lay there anymore, I had to check.

Thankfully, since I have white sheets, I looked-- and "nothing to be concerned about", I thought. It was perfectly clear. A small bit. But what the heck, I'm already up, I'll just go to the bathroom, again.

So I'm walking to the bathroom and as soon as I (thankfully) hit the tile floor-- GUSH!

I am leaking clear fluid everywhere. I run to the toilet holding myself down there like it's going to stop something! I sit there confused and scared for a moment. After all I was only 28 weeks and 6 days pregnant. And then I realize, we've got to GO!

I say to DH, (who is still in bed unaware), "DH, I think my water just broke."

Before I could look up, he had somehow gotten up, and already put on his jeans and belt. Seriously, he was like some kind of fireman or something.

At this point we ran around like chickens trying to figure out what we'd have to bring to the hospital--Since we haven't packed that damn bag yet! OH KARMA! WHY!??!

Thankfully, I had made the list the day before, so I pulled it up on my computer and started yelling things to bring that I knew we could use this time. Obviously, I don't need their "go-home outfits" at this point.

I also was not under the impression they would be born yet. I knew this was a problem, but I didn't think they'd be here so soon.

When I return back to the bathroom I notice the first amount of blood. "We have to go NOW!" I say.

7:25am-Finally we got the bag, fed the cats, put a towel on the car seat and off we went to the hospital about 30 minutes away. At this point, other than my nerves, I felt fine, not really in any pain.

I called my perinatologist on the way. She and I had an appointment scheduled for our next u/s check up that day at 10am. I told her to keep the appointment because she would need to see me! She told me that I should prepare to be on bedrest in the hospital for a few months. I thought, "OH GREAT! I don't have anything ready!"

Then, I talked to my OB who seemed pissed that I bothered to call my perinatologist. (Relax lady, you can share me today. . . ) She told me to hurry to the hospital and she would see me when I got there. I was very relieved that she was working that Saturday!

7:30am- Mild contractions beginning to make an appearance. But nothing I can't handle. Still driving. . .

7:45am- Contractions getting stronger, now about 5-6 minutes apart. . . we are getting closer to the hospital.

7:50am- Pulling into the parking structure that takes forever to get to the 3rd level for maternity. My contractions are now about 4-5 minutes apart, DH is timing them like a pro! They hurt like a bastard but I say to DH, "Yes they are really bad, but I can handle them because of the break in between."-- Get ready to laugh at that statement.

7:55am- Parking. I tell DH I need a 'chair' which confuses him for a minute. "A wheelchair", I say. And off he runs. I try to get out of the car but as soon as I stand up my amniotic fluid goes everywhere! So much for the dinky pad I had put on!

I'm now standing in the parking structure in front of the entrance, dripping fluid with my head against the car trying to hold myself up during the contractions which are only getting stronger and closer together.

Suddenly, two or three nurses come out of the door leaving from their night shift. They run over and help me. They ask if someone has gone for a wheel chair. I tell them DH ran in a minute ago. They laugh and say they saw him run by and figured he was late for a delivery! :)

DH comes out with the wheelchair and they help get me into the doors and down to labor and delivery. Thankfully we had a tour of the hospital and L&D rooms a week or two before so we knew where we were going.

Once we rush inside, the lady at the front makes me sit there, contracting, and fill out paperwork! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! I am 28 weeks pregnant with twins, my water is broken and I am pre-registered, damnit! . . . That's what I was thinking . . .on the outside I was trying to remain calm, like DH would want me to and just fill out whatever stupid papers she wanted. . . as I leaked all over her floor.

When the nurses came they pushed me right to a L&D room and skipped triage. I think it was clear what was happening.

Once they go me into L&D, time sort of got away from me.

I changed into a gown--not the schanzzy one I bought, which I should've wore, but we figured I could wear later. Then they began to hook me up to all kinds of machines. They had monitors on my belly, one for me and one for each baby. Then they checked me to see how dilated I was. I was already 4-5cm dilated and almost completely effaced.

Holy cow. It was at that point, it occurred to me, there was no stopping this train.

My contractions were now coming on so strong I was grabbing the top of the bed with each contraction. But as I am contracting they were asking me questions and slapping my hands trying to get an IV in! The one positive thing was that at this point there was no need for pitocin (which I did not want).

9:00am-ish???

They have my IV in and are giving me magnesium and fluids. But the contractions are not slowing down. In fact they are so close there is no rest. They are about 60-90 seconds long and have no break in between other than about 2-5 seconds. It was a nightmare.

My OB told me, for twins they will be putting their arms completely up my vagina and into my uterus during and after delivery-- so I need to get an epidural. I fought it the whole pregnancy for fear that it would impede my contractions and that I would end up on pitocin. Well, today I was already 5 cm dilated and there was no slowing these bad boys. I had no rest and was planning to get it at 9cm anyways, so I might as well ask for it now, hoping it will allow me to think clearer and have a better experience. So I asked.

My God, I am so glad I did. It was funny though, the second I sat up to do the procedure, I already felt better. I clearly needed to change my position in bed. I was just too afraid to move before. The nurse claimed it was the fentanyl I was given. WHAT!??! I was peeved a doctor snuck me some fentanyl before the procedure without asking me. I would have declined due to possible side-effects it can cause the babies. But, again, there was nothing I could do at that point.

Anyways, the epidural didn't hurt at all! I was so worried that it would. I must have told the nurses 10x how wonderful the epidural was! It didn't remove all sensation. It felt like when you come in from being outside on a blistering cold day and your legs go numb. (Maybe that's a Wisconsin thing?) But that's exactly what it felt like.

About 10:00am things start to jumble together. I was now 6-7 cm dilated and 100% effaced. They also placed a probe(?) to the top of Baby A's head (who was apparently right there) to make monitoring easier.

My perinatologist did her last u/s with us that day, about the time our appointment would have been. It was bittersweet. Seeing them on the u/s and knowing they would most likely be here today was exciting--but it was too soon. I began to feel like I had failed. Baby A's head was so low in my pelvis she couldn't even measure it. We took a guess by using Baby B's head circumference with the rest of A's measurements. Baby A was head down but Baby B had turned from his last ultrasound and was now transverse (sideways).

Afterwards, I tried to watch the Badger game on TV. A kind nurse snuck me a popsicle and some ice chips. DH called our parents who came and sat in the waiting room--well except for my Dad who was off somewhere picking grapes for his winery.

I texted some friends, made an "Oh my God pray for us" facebook post and then posted here to my blog. I wanted to post to the chat but couldn't on my iphone! ('Thank you' to those that relayed the message! :)

Time was passing so quickly. When they asked me if I wanted to do a vaginal delivery or have a C-section, I was shocked. First, I didn't realize I would ever have a choice--especially with premies so tiny. Secondly, I figured this was an "emergency type situation" and they would suddenly need to come out--but apparently not. Lastly, this means they are coming today, for real.

Didn't we just have a conversation this morning about how we had more time?!?!

It was all so surreal. Before I knew it they had checked me again (mid-afternoon) and I was completely dilated and effaced. Baby A was also very low, I think they said "+1".

This was it. They told us they would be getting ready. The look on DH's face was priceless!

We were so worried. There were so many questions: Would the babies be okay? Can I actually push them out? Why did this happen? What did I do wrong??? Will this be the last time I can ever be pregnant? Will I always remember what they felt like inside of me? Why don't I get 2+ more months to help them grow and thrive before all of this???

But those questions could be answered . . . it was time.

The OR's bright lights were a little alarming. There were so many people. My OB, the residents, nurses, other doctors, etc . . . at one point, including the twins, we counted 19 people in the OR. The anesthesiologist put in another IV line in my right hand and checked that I couldn't feel any pain. My OB said, "His head is right there!" I told DH to go take a peek! He went over and looked so surprised! I wish I could've seen it too! Then I was told to start pushing.

I pushed for about 10 minutes, holding DH's hand, turning all red in the face before little Baby A arrived with a tiny, welcomed cry. Mason Oscar was born at 3:39pm. He weighed 2lbs 14 oz. and was 14 3/4 inches long. He was beautiful! They immediately took him to the warmer to check him. But I did see him getting passed over as he came out! They swaddled him and Bobby, one of the NICU nurses, brought him over to us to see and kiss before he was whisked away to the NICU. I have no idea what they were doing to me as I looked at him. I was blissfully distracted.

Now I had another baby to deliver! Baby B had now turned breech. I had stopped contracting after Baby A and they were worried they would have to give me pitocin to start them again. But after a few minutes I thankfully started on my own. They broke his bag of water and a HUGE gush came out. My OB actually had to move out of the way and dodge the waterfall coming at her. Then doctors had their entire forearms in my uterus attempting to turn him and grab his legs. I could feel them in there. It was extremely uncomfortable, but not necessarily painful at this point. They tried for what seemed like forever to try and grab Baby B's tiny legs. Finally, they were able to and I was pushing again to get Baby B out. After a few pushes my OB helped guide him out feet first.

Baby B came out with his own very quiet cry. My precious Christopher Michael was born at 3:46pm. He weighed 2lbs 15 oz. and was 16 inches long! He was quickly taken to the warmer. They worked on him for a long time. It felt like forever that he wasn't moving or doing much.

I was trying to watch what they were doing with him as the doctors were pressing on my uterus to try and get it to contract back down--which it wasn't. Suddenly I heard the phrase, "Massive hemorrhage." I think I said out loud to DH, "Well that's not good." They pressed on and IN my uterus for over 30 minutes delivering the placentas (both were still in there) and trying to get the bleeding stop. At this point, they decided to give me pitocin so that it would help my uterus contract back down.

But painful as that was (and it was--worse than the delivery), I couldn't stop looking over at Christopher. They finally were able to get a breathing tube down after trying for quite a while. When they brought him over to me for the first time, he looked so much more fragile than his brother and I was afraid to touch him for fear of hurting him. But they told me I could kiss his head and then quickly took him away to the NICU to join his brother.

After my boys had left, DH stayed with me as they continued to try and get my bleeding to stop. It seemed like forever. Once they had finished getting the bleeding to stop closer to 4:30pm, I asked to see the placentas! So crazy looking! I can't believe I had all of that plus both babies AND fluid in there! My OB had to stitch where I had torn, mostly on the inside. As they were stitching me up, I felt like a lot of time had passed, so I asked them, "You aren't sewing it shut, are you?"

Once all was well in my lady parts (for the time being), they pushed me back to my L&D room where I waited for several hours. DH went to see the boys in the NICU while I rested.

When he came back, he showed photos to our parents (my Dad now included) who were still in the waiting room. Then they all came back to see me.

In some order, I received blood, more fluids, pitocin and pain meds. My feet and legs also had THE WORST edema I have ever seen! Blech!

It wasn't until late that night 11-12pm that I was able to see my boys for the first time in the NICU. They wheeled me down the hallways. As they did I got to hear the "lullaby" song that they play for all babies when they are born, expect for my boys they played it twice :) It was so wonderful to think that they were here and I that I got to hear the song being played for them.

Once in the NICU, I washed my hands for the mandatory three minutes. Then, I entered the room where they laid in their isolettes with a million cords attached to their tiny little bodies. Both babies were still without names, so they were simply labeled "INF-1" and "INF-2".

Mason (Baby A, INF-1) was on C-PAP while Christopher (Baby B, INF-2) was on a ventilator. They were so tiny and red. Christopher's legs and feet were significantly bruised from the delivery. Both of their heads were misshapen and they were so very small. But when they grabbed my finger with their tiny hands, I knew they were fighters. They had a surprisingly strong grip for such frail little ones.

Ever since then we have been totally in love with them. Totally in love with everything they do; Live for every little milestone and panic at every setback. DH spent the rest of that week in the hospital with me. After we were discharged on Monday night we were able to stay in a separate room down a hallway by ourselves until Friday morning. It was a great gift to have that week together. Especially since I was pumping at all hours of the night.

I have struggled a lot with the fact that they came so early. What could I have done to prevent it? Was it the stress of selling and buying a house? The move and unpacking? Too much amniotic fluid? Maybe none of those things.

Looking at books and websites now the signs of preterm labor were there. I had made a few posts asking about signs of braxton hicks contractions. I had menstrual like cramps, and pains in my side and back for the two weeks leading up to their delivery. I had also had a weird jelly-like CM within the week of delivery. But it wasn't bloody, just yellow-ish, so I just told DH, "My body is weird", and didn't think to call.

What I did have was a feeling something wasn't right. And for that, I should've gone in. I'll never know if going in a few days earlier could've prevented them from coming so soon. Being pregnant your first time and with multiples, it is so hard to distinguish what are normal pregnancy pains and what is cause for alarm.

Now I spend each day next to my tiny little boys in the NICU, unable to take them home and unprepared for their arrival because we spend each free moment at the NICU. DH can't be with me because he has to save his paternity leave for when they do come home-- and they will most likely not come home at the same time.

I also struggle with the sudden and abrupt ending of the pregnancy I had wanted for so long. Not that it was the 'pregnancy itself', it was the 'healthy happy babies because of a term pregnancy' I wanted. I feel selfish when I say I wanted to enjoy the last bits that others get to experience. I feel jipped yet again. I wanted to finish their nursery--we hadn't even painted yet--with them in my belly. I wanted to wash their tiny clothes and lay them on my belly. I wanted to attend my own baby shower pregnant.

I found this passage in a multiples book yesterday under the NICU chapter.

"Push!" my doctor commanded. But I didn't want to push. I didn't want my twins to be born, not yet. "It's too soon, they're too little," I cried to my husband.

There was no stopping the labor. Nine weeks premature, my 3-pound son announced his arrival in the world with a barely audible cry. . . .

Those (next) 48 hours were agony. Foremost with fear-- that both babies would die, that one would die . . . or what if the twins were physically or mentally impaired, as premies sometimes are? Was I strong enough to care for disabled children?

Self- centered as it sounds, I also felt cheated. Out of a third trimester filled with good wishes from friends and encouraging smiles from strangers. Out of a labor marked by excited anticipation. Out of the ecstasy a woman feels when she first holds her perfect newborn in her arms . I had lost all that, and gained. . . what? A jumbled memory of two infants I had scarcely seen and never held. A few precious photos my husband had hastily snapped. . .

Stepping into the NICU, I was instantly overwhelmed by the sounds and sights: the buzzing alarms, the bustling nurses, the bright lights, and in every isolette, an unbelievably tiny baby.

Bill (her husband) guided me toward one particular incubator and lifted the lid. "Samantha, Mommy's here," I whispered. My miniature daughter turned her head, opened her eyes--and captured my heart. In an instant, I knew no matter how fleeting our future together, I would treasure this child and her twin brother forever. . .

...Precarious too was my sense of self as a mother. Surely, I was less important to my children than were the doctors and nurses who guarded their lives. I couldn't breast-feed them, since they were too weak to suck. I couldn't hold them for long, since their body temperature was unstable outside the isolettes. Through the portholes, I tentatively stroked their bodies, fearful of dislodging the many tubes and wires. It was not what I had imagined motherhood to be.

Gradually, though, I adapted to this form of parenting. I learned to swaddle a baby without disturbing the cardiorespiratory monitor or temperature probe. . . In the NICU all-day, every day. I rocked James for hours, then put him back in his isolette and walked to the next room to sing to Samantha. But each night in bed, I was tormented my the fear that the twins might never get well and come home, never sleep in their cribs, never go to school, never become the nice normal children I had dreamed they would be.

--Passage from "When You're Expecting Twins, Triplets, or Quads".

Despite all of my fears, sadness and "what if's", I am incredibly grateful to have had my boys at all. They are fighting their hearts out in the NICU everyday and although they would be better off still inside my womb, they are doing well and I wouldn't trade them for anything or any 'dream scenario' in the world.

Every time, I walk into the NICU, I see a large framed poem on the wall with a drawing of a little boy with angel's wings. It is written in the voice of a particular child who's stay was far too brief, who didn't get to go home with his family and is now telling them to be strong. I cry every single time I look at it or even think of it. (Yep, right now). It reminds me to be unbelievably thankful for the time I have with my boys, whether we are at home or they are in their isolettes in the NICU; That they are getting stronger every day; That I can hold them and see them make silly faces and yes, even pee and poop on Daddy and I when we change their diapers.

It has been a long and unusual journey so far. But I know these boys are worth every single step along the way! I am so in love with these little boys.

I love you Mason and Christopher!

Wowza! ONE MONTH!

My little boys are exactly, one-month old today.

I can't believe it! Time has flown by so fast with each day already planned out. . . get up, pump, get house somewhat clean from yesterday's mess, get ready and put some darn clothes on, pump, and then off to see my boys. Then around 5pm DH arrives and we stay for a few more hours with them. Then the long drive home. Rinse and repeat.

But I love nothing more then when I get to see them every day. And when DH come walking through the curtains into our NICU spot, I can relax even more. I cannot wait for him to be on paternity leave when the boys come home!

We are still hoping they will come home sometime in November. Yesterday one of our nurses told us that Mason will most likely come home before his brother-- which I was afraid of. I dreamed of loading them both into the car at the same time and driving off for home all together. *Sigh*

Not to mention how difficult it will be taking care of one baby at home and then still traveling to see the other in the NICU every day. . . How in the Hell is that supposed to work?!??!

Oh well, for now I will concentrate on all the great milestones they have had over the last month. After all one nth ago exactly, I was in labor. . .a few hours away from seeing them for the first time!

Mason: Moved from C-Pap to nasal cannula and this week had the cannula taken out! Breathing all by himself! He has had all of his umbilical and pic-lines removed. He is currently digesting 32 cc's of breast milk (with additional calories) and has not had any billilights in weeks! He also had his first bath on Wednesday! He has moved from 2 lbs 14 oz to 3 pounds 14 oz! One whole pound of weight gain!

Christopher: From ventilator to C-Pap and now on he is using a nasal cannula. His umbilical lines has been removed. Every day, he is receiving lower amounts of IV fluids through his PIC-line because his feedings of "neocate" (a gentle, lactose and soy-free formula) are increasing--now up to 7 cc's! Chris has not needed billilights for weeks and is getting help with too much fluid retention. He peed 81cc's yesterday in one diaper! His weight now has moved from 2 lbs 15 oz to 3 lbs 15 oz! He has gained a whole pound, too!

Wow. They are amazing. Happy one-month birthday little ones! Mommy and Daddy love you a million times!

Week one. . .

Week two. . .

Week three. . .

Week four. . .

Christopher.

Mason.

I LOVE YOU SWEET BOYS!!! - Mommy XOXO

D&C complete. Should've gotten some bloooooood!

The D&C is over. Thank God.

The recovery that night was pretty rough. I was extremely dizzy and nauseous until quite later the next day, and frankly not myself again until Friday. (D&C was Monday)

But, it had to be done-- and hopefully now I can concentrate on my boys--and their eating difficulties. Like I need anything else to worry about. . .

The boys are 31 weeks old tomorrow. AND 3 weeks old today!

Mason, although eating 27cc's of breast milk, has been spitting up for the last few days since they increased his 'calories'--meaning they added a powder that adds two calories at a time. When it was just two added calories, he was perfectly fine, but since the doctor has increased his added calories to four, (24 total. 20 calories of breast milk + 4 powdered calories = 24 calories total) he has not had a feeding without some sit-up or residual. Frankly, he spit up on me a few times as I was kangaroo-ing him on Thursday.

The added calories make the breast milk "richer". The nurse equated it to "Having Thanksgiving dinner at every meal" vs a regular dinner. Yeah, you might get sick of that too. My poor guy.

Christopher isn't even feeding that well. He has, again, been pulled off all feedings and given a blood transfusion to try and help him to eat--at all. Not even the 'gentle-easy-to-digest' Neocate formula worked. The doctor is hoping that he just wasn't feeling as well and needed some added strength to be able to digest his food properly instead of spitting it up or having the complete amount of breast milk he was given, come back as residual. So he recieved a dose of blood yesterday. Little Chris is O+ like me! I hope this works or they will have to do a test to see if his digestive system is blocked somewhere.

Sigh. Mommy and Daddy are such fans of food-- boys, you should be too! Grooooow little ones!

Happy one-week birthday to you two!

Today my boys turned one week old.

It was our first night away from them. It took us a while to get started this morning since I am pumping every 2-3 hours and we had to worry about basics at home (Cat feedings and meds, washing the pump parts after each use, eating, packing for the day. . . )

After that we drove to finish a few errands we had planned out for last Saturday-- and we all know what happened that day!

DH and I went to Buy Buy Baby where they have the glider we wanted and finally made the purchase. This is basically what it looks like, plus the ottoman.

We also purchased the covers for our carseat carriers in winter.

After running around town for a couple hours, it became a day full of excitement as we found out that Christopher's brain scan (ultrasound) came back perfectly clean and that Mason's was only showing a slight possibility of a bleed, meaning at worst it could be a stage one, but the doctor doesn't think it's a definite. Either way, a stage one bleed resolves itself on its own without harmful effects.

Secondly, I got to hold my boys for the first time!!!

I was able to 'Kangaroo' Chris first, but only for a half an hour since he is still under the bili-lights (u/v). He was/is so precious. He never had any alarms go off and seriously never looked like he was more at rest. I held him on my chest under blankets as DH looked on, pet his little body, kissed him for the very first time and held my hand.

Only a little bit later, it was Mason's turn.

DH was so wonderful. He wanted me to hold them both first because "I'm their Mom and they need their Mommy." *Melt*

So I then held Mason for almost 3 hours. It was wonderful. Even when I had to pee so badly by the end. Mason only had one alarm go off during that time. I sang/hummed "Baby Mine" to both of them, but also played the song on my iphone for Mason. . .and then I played "Lullaby" by Billy Joel--and cried. . . and played "You Are Not Alone" by Michael Jackson . . .and cried again. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life--I cannot wait to do this again and again--but mostly, I cannot wait to see DH kangaroo them both tomorrow.

27+ weeks and DH is back in school.

Today DH went back to work, teaching the young minds of Wisconsin.

I miss him already. I mean, I actually have to get up and get my own ice and water now??? I have to remember to eat on my own??? What's up with that?!?! I was so spoiled this Summer.

So now I spend my days continuing the never ending task of unpacking boxes. Moving is a massive headache. Once I think I have unpacked everything we own, I find more boxes of stuff I forgot we had-- many things I can get rid of, but other things I can't get rid of, or am not sure yet if we will need. My theory is to keep most of the 'I think we need that' stuff and if I don't end up using it by next Summer-- it's going into out massive stack of Rummage Sale boxes. Seriously, next Spring-- we are going to have one HELL of a garage sale!

In other news-- I PASSED MY ONE HOUR GESTATIONAL DIABETES TEST!!!!

I can't believe it. I had prepared myself and convinced myself that I would just have to deal with the daily poking and testing. Not to mention my biggest fear-- having to cut down on my fruit consumption! After all, I am carrying multiples, I am not super-slim, and I have been told in the past I am IR and had to go on Metformin for over a year! Go figure!

Both boys are also head down and moving A LOT. I've gotten to see my belly come to life from the outside over the last two weeks. Very 'Aliens'.

Here are some 3-D pictures of the boys at 25 weeks 2 days. (8.16.2011)

Baby A

Baby B

WEEK 27!!! Welcome to the THIRD TRIMESTER, BABIES!!!

Weight Gain: About 25 pounds since the FET in March.

Cravings: I still love fruit-- mainly watermelon :D I also drink a TON of ice water every day. It have to be cold--ice cold. I love it, but I don not love the number of bathroom trips I need to take every hour because of it!

Nauseous: I have found some new chewable vitamins and they make the nauseous side effects disappear. I think they are by the same company that makes the 'belly bars'. Dh says they taste like Flinstones vitamins to him.

Belly touches: DH, my cubette, MIL, Aunt, friend. . . the list continues to grow. AT least people ask :)

Feeling: Sad that DH has gone back to work. It's also strange when the babies move. Sometimes the movement gives me this uncomfortable feeling; almost a sad/depressed feeling. I wish I knew a better way to explain it. Perhaps I am just reminded each time how much I still have to do to get ready for them. I'm afraid it won't all get done in time. What if I have to go on bedrest? I haven't even picked out the paint for the nursery yet and the cribs are coming Saturday!

But other than that-- I feel pretty darn good physically. :)

Emotional state: (See above)

Movement: Like I said above, they move a lot, always in random spurts. DH is so surprised by how strongly they can kick and punch my belly. We still can't believe how lucky we are that they are in there!

Maternity clothes: I've got some nice outfits at this point. I especially love hanging out at home in my new nursing gown/PJ set. So comfy!

Nesting: We are almost decided on the paint color for the nursery. The cribs and dressers are coming Saturday. I ordered the mattresses last night (Naturepedic Organic lightweight). Now we wait for the 'Baby Shower' on the 24th until we buy most other items.

Baby purchases: I've decided to 'wrap-up' buying baby clothes until after the shower. I was too addicted to Zulily :) But I did buy a "Moby Wrap" today in 'forest green' and a fancy hospital gown in blue polka dots!

Baby gifts: .... I think the cupcakes my MIL and FIL are ordering for us for the shower count. We went for a tasting on Tuesday. They will match our Shower invites. (See below).

What are the Flavors, you ask???

Red Velvet cake with Cream Cheese Icing.

Chocolate cake with Mocha Buttercream.

Chocolate cake with Peanut Butter Icing.

Carrot Cake (raisin-free) with Vanilla Buttercream. . . YES.

WE'VE MOVED!!!

Yes, that's right. Finally.

I'd love to say it's all over but of course the un-packing, although much more fun to me, is tons of work. VERY time consuming especially for someone like me with obsessive tendencies AND the nesting instinct!

DH and I are still unpacking boxes of our own. Once we have finished that (hopefully) by the end of next week, I will begin working on the nursery. Too bad that will be just in time for DH to go back to work! :( I could seriously use his help now that I am a full-time stay at home Mommy.

We also had our 25 week check-up with the perinatologist on Tuesday. The babies look so damn amazing! I can't wait to get our scanner up and running so I can post some of the u/s pics! :) The are measuring ahead of schedule--even for singletons! All is looking great and hopefully we will have some very happy and healthy babies in November!

In other news we also attended our first two Childbirth Preparation Classes (CBP) over the last two Monday evenings. They are pretty good and we got to see a tour of the hospital and birthing areas with the instructor. DH and I also went on a private tour for parents of multiples and saw the Level 3 NICU. It was great to see such a nice facility, but we are hoping we won't need it.

My BIL also purchased us (babies mainly) a HUGE gift last Saturday. He bought both cribs, dressers and side rails for the boys! I can't wait to get them into the nursery-- as soon as we decide on the paint color! (I'd really love a warm grey).

Now for my week 25 stats! Our babies are as big as eggplants!!!

Weight Gain: I have been gaining almost exactly 2 pounds every week-- keeping me right on track for a Mom of twins.

Cravings: FRUIT, FRUIT, FRUIT! I hope I don't fail my Gestational diabetes test in the morning!

Nauseous: Good Gosh! I HATE taking my prenatal vitamins! They make me feel so incredibly sick!

Belly touches: DH and my MIL had one on Saturday--just wait until I run into my side of the family.

Feeling: Exhausted form all of the moving craziness. I'd love to be done, but I also know I need to do this now in case I end up on bed-rest later down the road.

Emotional state: Drained and ready for a vacation-- or at least a dip in the pool :)

Movement: They are moving all the time! But especially when I have been up for a while and then finally sit-- they react to the stillness. They are both head down right next to each other-- causing a LOT of kicking under my right ribs. That is the most uncomfortable part right now. I feel like they re getting stuck--that I have to keep readjusting how I sit so it doesn't feel like they are stuck.

Maternity clothes: Damn, even some of my maternity jeans are getting tight!

Nesting: THE WHOLE DAMN HOUSE!

Baby purchases: I couldn't believe it. I got excited about buying 'Dreft' laundry detergent to wash their clothes in! Next, I will call about having their closet organizer done.

Baby gifts: Like I said earlier, DH's Brother gave up a sweeeeeeet gift of their bedroom set!

Today is my V-day! 24 weeks!. . . and I'm fat!

We've made it to 24 weeks! This is known as the good 'ol Viability day, or "V-day"! This means babies born at this stage of the pregnancy have a chance at survival with today's medical technology, etc, etc. However, I have read that a baby was born at 21 weeks and survived as well. That is crazy!

All the same it is a huge milestone for us. It is finally beginning to settle in that these boys are coming home with us at some point. That they must be real--not just part of my imagination!

They are also kicking a moving around a lot. I will be curious to see what position they are in now at the next perinatologist appointment--mid-August.

I am also feeling big as a house. Looking at the drawing above it shows what a woman pregnant with a single, twins, triplets and quads looks like (approx.) at 24 weeks. That I, at 24 weeks, am as big as a singleton Mom at 32 weeks! No wonder I feel like there is nothing I can wear anymore! I pretty much want to live in my stretchy pants, but DH thinks they look bad. So I can't wear them out. I also tried on a dress I bought at the end of June on Zulily hoping to wear it about this point of the pregnancy. I put it on and it felt a little big yet, but more on the side of roomy and comfortable. Problem is, I showed it to DH and he said he didn't like it either. That is didn't "show my shape well."

I tried to tell him, "I have no shape anymore. My shape is 'huge'". I got pretty discouraged. I couldn't find anything that was remotely comfortable for humid Wisconsin in August that showed any kind of 'shape' he might be remembering. I sat there and cried about how much weight I have gained in the last year. I had worked so hard to get in down to a pretty good place. And then--two ectopic pregnancies, IVF, FET, bedrest, medication, stress and 24 weeks of preggo-ness happened. I wouldn't change the way things have gone because my babies are growing at the rate of singletons in there. But it is still very frustrating not being able to wear the things you want without looking ridiculous!

So, the 'girl you remember with that shape'???

That girl has died. That shape--went with her. And you helped me kill her! :)

The woman standing in front of you that is 24 weeks pregnant with twin boys is not (unfortunately) shaped like before. OR shaped like any of the uber-skinny women who got pregnant and even now weigh less that I did before the pregnancy. *Sigh*

So begins the balance between comfort and appearance. Do I wear extremely uncomfortable outfits that make me look slightly better? Or do I say, "Screw what everyone else thinks, I could nap in this damnit!"

Oh, so much has happened!

21 weeks and 5 days.

Well, I am taking a break from the craziness for a minute to update!

1. We have sold our house. We have to be out my August 1st.

2. We have an accepted offer on another house. We should be moving in August 10th.

3. We will need to spend the "in-between" days 100 miles North at my in-laws with both our cats.

4. We are in mad packing mode to be out my next Sunday! Ahhh!

5. I'm seriously preggo!

So sorry, I haven't updated in so long but has been nearly impossible to have time for anything.

But I can't disappoint this week with my banana babies!

Week 20/21 stats!

Weight Gain: I have gained about 13-15 pounds since the FET.

Cravings: I have finally had some cheeto puffs last week. But my main cravings consist of melon (any kind), ice water and a good Coke with lots of ice.

Nauseous: I get nauseous when I need to eat.

Belly touches: DH is my constant belly toucher since we have been busier than ever lately.

Feeling: Tired and achy, I've had some really painful pains on my right side where I can't even think about moving my right leg without excruciating pain. DH and I went to the ER for it on Wednesday night-- and they couldn't figure out what was wrong--story of my life. I thought it may have been my kidney stones acting up again, but it doesn't seem to be the case. The doctor wrote me a Rx for vicodin but I am afraid to take it, despite the fact he says Women do all the time. I'm not convinced. I told him I paid over Thirty-Thousand dollars for these babies and I;m not screwing it up for some vicodin.

Emotional state: Stressed about the move, but happy to have the house sold and to have pretty much decided upon our next home-- pending on the results of our inspection--even though it is a new home we've decided to have one anyways. But as soon as we get to move in, I will try to get the nursery completed asap! :)

Movement: They move a lot. It can get annoying sometimes with two of them in there! :) But DH has felt it a few times-- but we can't seem to time it right on a regular basis yet. No massive punches yet.

Maternity clothes: I'm feeling fairly well stocked for now, although I know I'll need a few new things once the colder weather arrives. I also bought two nursing night gowns today from Zulily-- my current obsession.

Nesting: House found! All brand new appliances purchased! I am pumped! The hard thing is going to be controlling my spending on new items for the entire house. But man it's so hard. I'd really like to get a bedroom set for our Master bedroom since we are still using a mismatched one I've had since I was in 2nd grade! In addition, I'd love a set for the guest room since my in-laws will most likely be staying with us for a bit after the Boys are born. Well, that and a new couch and dining room table. Yeah, nothing cheap about a new place! :)

I would just love to be able to show off our schanzzy home during my baby shower that will take place at our new house. We figure that is a good idea since we don't know if I will be on bedrest during that time or not.

Baby purchases: I MUST STOP LOOKING AT ZULILY. I am obsessed. Seriously, I have a problem! What haven't I bought for them?

Baby gifts: I received a great gift from our current neighbor. A few thing from our registry at "Babies 'R Us": the two Cookie Monster bath hoodies, nail clippers, hair brush and comb set and a bottle of Aveeno baby wash-- BATH TIME! :)