Tomorrow' another BIG DAY.

Yep. It's here.

Tomorrow, I go into the doc's office and get an ultrasound of my follicles, hope they're 20mm, and get a shot of HcG in my ass.

Seems different than what I have previously reported as the next step, no?

Well, when I went in last Thursday, Dr. threw me a curve ball. She kind of jumped ahead 3 months without really making much recognition of it. But hey, I was getting extremely impatient with the speed we were at. I was actually going to ask her that day if we could push things a head a bit. But then she comes right at me with--now were going to do clomid, intrauterine ultrasounds, HcG, and IUI.

What the?

Seriously. Already . . . Okay. Works for me. . . . oh crap! I'm heading out of town Friday. Can't do the IUI. . . .next time IUI. This time all the above except IUI (See: "Regular sex"). Got that? I know, confusing.

Basically, over the last week, my life has hit the fast forward 3 months to this stage. Last Friday I began 50mg of Clomiphene. Monday, my DH and I went into the doc's office for an extremely pointless video on infertility. They apparently show it to all the NEW patients. However, they "forgot" to show it, (and the price list for services), to us until after we've already done all the services in the first 4/5 of the video. DULLS-VILLE. But afterwards, my husband learned how to make me lean into the wall, stick my butt out at him, and bend over. Seriously. That way he can line the HcG shot up with the "meaty" part of my ass. That's the point where he can jam this GIANT hypodermic needle in. Capitol, F-U-N.

So that day went "well". Tomorrow though we check my follicles, as I mentioned earlier. They need to be 20mm in order for them to be "toasty and ready". Then, I can get the $115.00 single shot of HcG. The HcG shot causes Ovulation to occur. This apparently means 36 hours later that egg is ready for some swimmers!!! Yes, I have to time the horizontal mambo 36 hours after I get the shot. This will be interesting since I am leaving for a trip with my in-laws the next day. "Oh, sorry all. I know we're in the middle of dinner, but I gotta go "do" your son." Perhaps, I should phrase it, "Make you some Grandbabies?"

That is the story IF I have some toasty follicles that are 20mm+. If I don't, I have to wait to get the shot. We will have to estimate how big the follicles will be the next day, the one after that and so on based on what we see tomorrow. Then, the day we think they should be at 20mm, DH gives me the shot 'o fun.

So, basically, tomorrow IS A BIG DAY. It could lower my stress level considerably if I have some 20mm follies by 9:30am.

Pray for me people.

I hope this month is the month more than ever. It will be our last go at it in a semi-"natural" way. After this month, we would turn to IUI and then-- God forbid, IVF.

Updates come tomorrow night! :) Night all--GROW FOLLIES GROOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!

Clomiphene, Day 1

Dizziness, Nausea, vomiting, mood swings, hot flashes, multiple births (twins, etc.), headaches, breast tenderness. . .

Those are just a few of the symptoms my Clomiphene Rx said I could expect. However, I am only taking 50mg and on day one. So far, nothin'.

I did feel hot today, but I was moving furniture outside in the sun on an 80 degree day. Pretty sure that wasn't the pills.

When I asked my DH if I "was moody today", he simply said, in his usual manner, "No." I'll take that, my quiet, watching TV and trying to ignore me, husband. I'll take that.

But tomorrow, it is "pill two" or "pill numero dos", if you talk strangely like I do. Is it strange that I am looking forward to the bizarre symptoms? At least the mild ones. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to become nauseous or vomit. But a good old fashioned night sweat or turkey timer titties might be kinda fun. After all, I need to enjoy my money, right?

Updates to come when symptoms arise. But FYI: the plans for this week have been drastically changed from what I thought they would be for our fertility plans. I'll let you in on it by Monday :) HAPPY SPRING BREAK TO ME!!!!

Dun, dun, duuuuunnnnn!!!!

Yep, tomorrow's the day.

For all teacher's it is exciting. SPRING BREAK begins with the ringing of the last bell. But the best part is my three month "Just keep trying" period is OVER. Let me say that again, O-V-E-R. Tomorrow, I will get my Rx for clomid (AKA:clomiphene citrate).

I have to say though. After chatting with some extremely helpful women in "The Bump" chat room for infertility, I am less nervous in some respects, while more curious in others.

For example: I think I will save myself 60 dollars each month and go with the generic version of clomid, because, not only is it a lot of money initially (we're talking 80 bucks for 5 pills!), but if I have to bump it up to 100mg or 150mg. . . .that's A LOT of shoe money I'm saving.

Secondly, I am prepared for the night sweats. Not only do I have three, count 'em, three sets of sheets waiting in the wings, I also have the spare bed ready for my DH if it gets "too damp". However, perhaps this won't be so bad . . . .HA! There's always dreaming, right?

Lastly, I am "curious" as to how much of a raging bitch I will turn into after I've been on this for a while. I like to think most days I can be rather chill. However, I do know my Croatian temper can sometimes get the best of me---and my husband. I don't know if he is "curious" so much as scared shitless.

So I will keep you posted. I'm also in the market for a good RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hopefully, that will soothe any question I have about my OBGYN's advice.

ON TILL MORNING.

Damn you electronic stick!!!

Yes, another month.

Come and gone.

And so has the egg. . .

It's now month nine and yet another BFN. (Big Fat Negative). With all the stress going on a round me, trying to look for a new job placement, packing, selling our home, buying a new one, moving, end of the quarter (grading massive amounts of work), asking for letters of recommendation, etc etc etc, I am a little overwhelmed.

So now with the absurd price of clomid on the way (5 pills= $75) I can feel the strings tightening. Don't get me wrong, I'm going to give it a try. Three more months. That will take us up to almost a year. If nothing happens then, I'll begin to reconsider my priorities.

Do I want to become a parent or do I want to prove something to fate? Am I trying to "beat this thing"? Is THAT my goal?

I came across a four year old "O" magazine yesterday. I decided to actually look at it and came across an article. Written by a
women who struggled with fertility issues herself. It is based on the book Waiting for Daisy: A Tale of Two Continents, Three Religions, Five Infertility Doctors, an Oscar, an Atomic Bomb, a Romantic Night and One Woman's Quest to Become a Mother. I suggest the read.

Anyways, it's made me rethink what my motive truly is. Is it to be a mother? Give my husband a biological child? To prove I am not broken?

I'm still trying to figure that out. But with clomid now within the next week, I struggle with that question. Is it worth taking a pill said to possibly cause cancer? Especially when I have already had a cervical cancer scare, it is a thought that I have often.

Either way, I hear there are some pretty damn funny things that happen to women's hormones when on clomid. I'll be taking 50mg this first go around. I have a sneakin' feeling that I will be a bag 'o hormones on a roller coaster. Oh. . . it's going to be good. I would feel so sorry for my DH (Darling Husband) if I didn't have to be the one going through all this crap.

The Big "O"

No not that one.

It's day two of what my tester says is ovulation. I believe it is month seven, eight? I'm not sure. I'm beginning to lose count. The beautiful thing is it might be the month!

Yet, if it's not, April is coming and this year it brings Easter. . . . Easter brings eggs. . . (See where I'm going with this horrible attempt at a joke?). . . and this year the Easter Bunny is bringing me Clomid grown eggs.

Yes, it is official. April 1st is not for fools! It's for better quality ovaries, thank you. :) I have an appointment with my OBGYN for the 1st. I'll be getting a pregnancy test (It's the end of the 2WW at that point) and a Rx for Clomid!!! (If I'm not already hosting a little one).

It is said that clomid (and the metformin I have been taking) can help women with PCOS conceive. More here.

I am hoping that either way--if the drugs work or not, if I am "prego", as my husband says, by April or not, I will have enough faith in the clomid and Metformin for the placebo effect to take over! :)

I'm Done.

I'm Done.

I'm so beyond done with the sex because we HAVE to "thing".

When did this turn from sex because we liked it to sex because we 'have' to.

Isn't this supposed to be the fun part? That's what all the books say. I think they far misunderstand the issues that plague the lives to couples that have trouble conceiving.
It's not fun.
It's schedules. It's late nights. It's caffeine induced mornings, afternoons, and evenings before it all happens again--somewhat begrudgingly. It's not that you mean to--it just happens.

It makes you crazy.

The stress and want to begin the family you always dreamed, hoped, and wished for becomes overwhelming. It's all you think, read, and talk about. Yet it is the one thing that seems to be impossible.
And for all you know it is.
Knowing that you could be the one that is crushing your spouses dreams is an unbearable weight to carry. It's a guilt that I'm not sure if I could ever get over.

That's the worst part.

That you know, perhaps, all of your tiring, late nights, and arguments are for nothing. I don't know what the couples therapy rates are for married couples with infertility, but it must be considerable. ( How big are those bags under their eyes? )

It's the dark secret.

You usually don't talk about it with your friends or family, yet you're pressured at EVERY SINGLE family event to "get knocked up" and "give 'em some Grandchildren". You know while youshouldn't get mad because no one wants to assume you have a fertility issue--you do. Sometimes you just can't help but begrudge them for being so inconsiderate. And overtime it gets worse.

When not fertility but infertility becomes the center of your world, that world changes. Quite different from the one many couples know and wouldn't think to consider anything special. I'm sure if I had gotten pregnant immediately, I wouldn't have thought twice about it either. But here I am, and this world is beginning to drive me nuts.

T-2 days and COUNTING!

The 2WW has come down to a 2DW (2 DAY wait). . . Friday AM I test the first time--THIS cycle.

But should I? I've always been a pretty optimistic person, but this whole "gettin' knocked up thing" has put a damper on my glass-is-half-full perspective.

It's not that I'm afraid to check. . . I'm afraid to check and see a BFN!!! AGAIN! (BFN= Big Fat Negative).

It makes me wish we never even used birth control--would've at least given us more "tested time" under our belt! The problem now is that our SHITTY insurance doesn't cover A THING. Including any medication--like Clomid.

URG.

I just want a damn kid!

I just pray this isn't waiting for me on Friday morning. . .