Dun, dun, duuuuunnnnn!!!!

Yep, tomorrow's the day.

For all teacher's it is exciting. SPRING BREAK begins with the ringing of the last bell. But the best part is my three month "Just keep trying" period is OVER. Let me say that again, O-V-E-R. Tomorrow, I will get my Rx for clomid (AKA:clomiphene citrate).

I have to say though. After chatting with some extremely helpful women in "The Bump" chat room for infertility, I am less nervous in some respects, while more curious in others.

For example: I think I will save myself 60 dollars each month and go with the generic version of clomid, because, not only is it a lot of money initially (we're talking 80 bucks for 5 pills!), but if I have to bump it up to 100mg or 150mg. . . .that's A LOT of shoe money I'm saving.

Secondly, I am prepared for the night sweats. Not only do I have three, count 'em, three sets of sheets waiting in the wings, I also have the spare bed ready for my DH if it gets "too damp". However, perhaps this won't be so bad . . . .HA! There's always dreaming, right?

Lastly, I am "curious" as to how much of a raging bitch I will turn into after I've been on this for a while. I like to think most days I can be rather chill. However, I do know my Croatian temper can sometimes get the best of me---and my husband. I don't know if he is "curious" so much as scared shitless.

So I will keep you posted. I'm also in the market for a good RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). Hopefully, that will soothe any question I have about my OBGYN's advice.

ON TILL MORNING.

Damn you electronic stick!!!

Yes, another month.

Come and gone.

And so has the egg. . .

It's now month nine and yet another BFN. (Big Fat Negative). With all the stress going on a round me, trying to look for a new job placement, packing, selling our home, buying a new one, moving, end of the quarter (grading massive amounts of work), asking for letters of recommendation, etc etc etc, I am a little overwhelmed.

So now with the absurd price of clomid on the way (5 pills= $75) I can feel the strings tightening. Don't get me wrong, I'm going to give it a try. Three more months. That will take us up to almost a year. If nothing happens then, I'll begin to reconsider my priorities.

Do I want to become a parent or do I want to prove something to fate? Am I trying to "beat this thing"? Is THAT my goal?

I came across a four year old "O" magazine yesterday. I decided to actually look at it and came across an article. Written by a
women who struggled with fertility issues herself. It is based on the book Waiting for Daisy: A Tale of Two Continents, Three Religions, Five Infertility Doctors, an Oscar, an Atomic Bomb, a Romantic Night and One Woman's Quest to Become a Mother. I suggest the read.

Anyways, it's made me rethink what my motive truly is. Is it to be a mother? Give my husband a biological child? To prove I am not broken?

I'm still trying to figure that out. But with clomid now within the next week, I struggle with that question. Is it worth taking a pill said to possibly cause cancer? Especially when I have already had a cervical cancer scare, it is a thought that I have often.

Either way, I hear there are some pretty damn funny things that happen to women's hormones when on clomid. I'll be taking 50mg this first go around. I have a sneakin' feeling that I will be a bag 'o hormones on a roller coaster. Oh. . . it's going to be good. I would feel so sorry for my DH (Darling Husband) if I didn't have to be the one going through all this crap.

The Big "O"

No not that one.

It's day two of what my tester says is ovulation. I believe it is month seven, eight? I'm not sure. I'm beginning to lose count. The beautiful thing is it might be the month!

Yet, if it's not, April is coming and this year it brings Easter. . . . Easter brings eggs. . . (See where I'm going with this horrible attempt at a joke?). . . and this year the Easter Bunny is bringing me Clomid grown eggs.

Yes, it is official. April 1st is not for fools! It's for better quality ovaries, thank you. :) I have an appointment with my OBGYN for the 1st. I'll be getting a pregnancy test (It's the end of the 2WW at that point) and a Rx for Clomid!!! (If I'm not already hosting a little one).

It is said that clomid (and the metformin I have been taking) can help women with PCOS conceive. More here.

I am hoping that either way--if the drugs work or not, if I am "prego", as my husband says, by April or not, I will have enough faith in the clomid and Metformin for the placebo effect to take over! :)

I'm Done.

I'm Done.

I'm so beyond done with the sex because we HAVE to "thing".

When did this turn from sex because we liked it to sex because we 'have' to.

Isn't this supposed to be the fun part? That's what all the books say. I think they far misunderstand the issues that plague the lives to couples that have trouble conceiving.
It's not fun.
It's schedules. It's late nights. It's caffeine induced mornings, afternoons, and evenings before it all happens again--somewhat begrudgingly. It's not that you mean to--it just happens.

It makes you crazy.

The stress and want to begin the family you always dreamed, hoped, and wished for becomes overwhelming. It's all you think, read, and talk about. Yet it is the one thing that seems to be impossible.
And for all you know it is.
Knowing that you could be the one that is crushing your spouses dreams is an unbearable weight to carry. It's a guilt that I'm not sure if I could ever get over.

That's the worst part.

That you know, perhaps, all of your tiring, late nights, and arguments are for nothing. I don't know what the couples therapy rates are for married couples with infertility, but it must be considerable. ( How big are those bags under their eyes? )

It's the dark secret.

You usually don't talk about it with your friends or family, yet you're pressured at EVERY SINGLE family event to "get knocked up" and "give 'em some Grandchildren". You know while youshouldn't get mad because no one wants to assume you have a fertility issue--you do. Sometimes you just can't help but begrudge them for being so inconsiderate. And overtime it gets worse.

When not fertility but infertility becomes the center of your world, that world changes. Quite different from the one many couples know and wouldn't think to consider anything special. I'm sure if I had gotten pregnant immediately, I wouldn't have thought twice about it either. But here I am, and this world is beginning to drive me nuts.

T-2 days and COUNTING!

The 2WW has come down to a 2DW (2 DAY wait). . . Friday AM I test the first time--THIS cycle.

But should I? I've always been a pretty optimistic person, but this whole "gettin' knocked up thing" has put a damper on my glass-is-half-full perspective.

It's not that I'm afraid to check. . . I'm afraid to check and see a BFN!!! AGAIN! (BFN= Big Fat Negative).

It makes me wish we never even used birth control--would've at least given us more "tested time" under our belt! The problem now is that our SHITTY insurance doesn't cover A THING. Including any medication--like Clomid.

URG.

I just want a damn kid!

I just pray this isn't waiting for me on Friday morning. . .

I feel like my gut hates me.

Over the last few days my LH has hit the roof. Luckily, I ovulated. Sweet.

Apparently, the CBE monitor says I was at "high" or "peak" fertility for 4-5 days. Goodness. We'll see how accurate that is after the 2WW. (Two week wait).

Now . . . I have felt like my stomach HATES me for the last few days. Pretty much since the first day of ovulation. It just feels like there's a lot of pressure and movement. Not sure what the heck that even means? I can't quite figure out if it's all in my head, I have a never ending hidden gas bubble, or if something is actually happening--baby style. I mean, how the Hell would I know? Anyone have any thoughts???

Either way, I haven't drank any alcohol (Sigh . . .) or eaten too many crappy things this month in anticipation of good news.

I can only hope. . . .

In addition to this I got an "informational sheet" in the mail from my GYN. It's all about artificial insemination using my man's sperm.

Goodness Lord.

If I wasn't dying to be pregnant before this--now the pressure is on. Not only does it sound extremely unpleasant. (i.e.: Contracting an infection of the uterus or pelvic organs--Nice.) But is costs $550.00 each try. They recommend doing this at least 6 times. THAT'S $3,300!!! Holy S#*^! Yeah . . . insurance doesn't cover a dime. Apparently not even the HSG I had done a week ago. They're so slimy.

It's going to be a long two weeks! Anyone have any good ways to pass the time????

"I see an LH a-risin' . . ."

Tonight we commence plans for the next three cycles of the journey. . .

Do exactly what you did for the last 5 cycles . . .and wait. . . and hope that the HSG flushed some junk out of your tubes and it works. . . . uh okay.

Time will tell. I like to be optimistic, however, I feel like I just did this. Where's my Clomid!?!

I test my LH every day, (just as before). Today began a "high LH day" . So approx. two days from now I should see "peak LH" which = ovulation. Fingers crossed that we time it all correctly!

GYN says if nothing happens in three months then come in, and we should add the clomid 50mg.

Dang. As if I wasn't already waiting for Spring--now add this!