Bummed.

I've been really emotional as of late.

I keep wondering if the hormones for the IVF cycle are still screwing me up.

I haven't felt like myself for months now.

It sounds ridiculous, but every time DH leaves for work, I cry. Every. Damn. Time.

I (we) haven't had any time to grieve. It's been full-on work during the IVF cycle and since the u/s. How am I supposed to just move along and deal with normal life, selling a house and sassy high school kids while inside all I want to do is stay home and mourn the loss of our second pregnancy this year?

Sheesh.

Dh and I talked about what other options we have last night.

Do I quit my job?

Do I hang on until the end of the semester and then quit?

Do I take some time off?

Do I leave once I have the surgery and decide then if I will come back?

Do I grow a pair and keep plugging along like everything is fine?

There is no answer.

So what do I do?

I'm not sure yet. Crappy, stressful, and stupid as my job can be, I think I just needs to grin and bare it for now. Am I going to feel better for doing this, definitely not.

But I will be getting paid and staying on top with my employers who need to recommend me to other schools if I ever want another job again.

Maybe next year, I'll quit and take time to do more IVF/FET cycles or adopt.

Oh June, why are you so far away? :)

BETA down.

BETA is dropping. Down to 41 yesterday.

Strange to say I'm hoping it is ZERO by this time next week.

Ho hum . . .

On a better note:

Random thought of the day?

I wanna build this house. :)

STUPID PEOPLE.

First let me say that I'm extra stressed right now with everything that is going on. Saying that, I am not nuts to think that the following happening of the past few days were the fault of stupid people. Enjoy. . . .

Tuesday, I went in for my BETA test with the unfortunate hope that is will become negative soon. The methotrexate has already had me bleedin' like crazy since Friday, so I was assuming it was working.

Wednesday, I never received a call from my RE.

I did receive a call from my old RE who I haven't been with since the end of July.

I found that to be odd, so I left a message with both since it was after hours.

Today, I recieved a phone call from the old RE's office. Apparently, the dynacare lab sent my results to THEM! So when I answer the phone the nurse says, "You're pregnant!"

"Uh, no. . . actually I'm not." I tried to explain.

My levels were 55.8 Blech. Pretty much the same from last Friday. I hope this stuff is working so we don't have to go down to IL for another shot of methotrexate.

After that, I heard from my RE who tried to explain the whole thing to me over again.

What a mess.

Dumb people, part 2.

Wednesday, I went in to the HR department of my job. I was curious why my last paycheck was 700 dollars LESS than the last one-- clearly.

I talked to her for a few minutes before we realized, that it was because of the days off I took. "Sick days." However, apparently our school district only gives us ONE DAY A MONTH.

Yeah.

So I wasn't getting paid for ANY of the days I took off in October--which were a lot since I had daily monitoring.

But it gets better.

Then she tells me since I was unpaid, I also had to PAY for my benefits those days as well.

WTF??!?!?!!?

I was not only getting jipped on pay, but I actually was PAYING TO BE GONE for days I had pre-approved with the principal.

SO RIDICULOUS I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

So I begin to argue the stupidity of this with her, explaining that NO other district I have ever been in has this stupid kind of policy that no one told me about to begin with.

Then, she said it.

"Well, one day when you are pregnant, you'll be glad you have those days off."

Yep.

That's what she fucking said.

Unbelievable.

DH thinks I'm living in the seventh circle of Hell right now.

I think he's right.

Where would I be on the chart this time. . . .

Am I the only one this happens to?

Last Friday, I told the nurse I had horrible cramping from my cervix dilating after the last m/c. She acted stunned and surprised. She said she had never heard of anyone having this happen to them. I told her, don't be surprised if you hear me say it has happened again.

Well, guess what?

Today, I am home from work--dilating like crazy-pants.

This morning around 3:30am I woke up to pressure and cramping. I took a vicodin and tried to go back to sleep. That never happened. I laid awake thinking about all the money I am loosing my taking off work, and all the catch up I am going to have to do. But the contractions were way too crazy. I had to call in.

First I felt the pain about every 2-5 minutes part. No matter how I tried to adjust myself in bed, I was in pain.

Then, I went downstairs to the bathroom, I was going to puke. . . but I held it off.

Then I spent the next almost hour in there. Trying to be comfortable sittin' on the thrown and then on the floor kneeling, squatting, and laying down. But finally the most comfortable posotion was found. Angle back towards the bathtub and place my feet about two feet up onto the door. Weird, but it seemed to hold them off for a time.

Poor DH stayed home with me today. He got me some crackers, 7-up, medication and propped my up against the couch.

Nothing is worse than the emotional pain of a miscarriage. So the last thing I need right now is the physical pain that goes along with it. Blech.

I pray for a relaxing rest of the day and that tomorrow brings no more cramping!

OOH, PS!!!

I did get some good news today!

Our house has been on the market since May/June 2010. Last Sunday, we had our second open house. We had a few people come in and look around.

We got a call this morning and apparently one couple is coming back and bringing their Mother tomorrow at 4:30! They must not have a real estate agent either because ours is showing them the house!

THAT IS GOOD! That means he can show them all the good things about it! Like our schnazzy bathroom DH remodeled last year.

This would be the perfect time to move since all IF treatments are on hold.

PLEASE PLEASE buy our house people!!!!!!!

5w 4d. We made it to ultrasound. . . kinda.

Well here I am.

Sorry it has taken me so long to post. I have needed a few days to gather up the strength not only to face the day, but to write this long story as well.

Friday, November 5th, 2010.

DH and I left from home around 11am. I left work early and DH had the day off. We had a full tank of gas and were ready to face the day--hoping today was the day we would meet our little one(s) for the first time! The day was here! Ultrasound day!

Once at the RE's office (about noon), we went back into the Ultrasound room. I undressed on the lower half and waited. . . DH and I were ready to see what was happening in there once and for all.

Now keep in mind, I have had dark spotting for about a week. I know something is not quite normal, but the nurses keep saying things about how a lot of women bleed and spot, blah, blah, blah.

Once the RE finally came in, the u/s began. Dildo cam was moving around and apparently it was hard to see perfectly on the screen. I couldn't look.

It didn't take long before the RE became blunt with us. He said something like, "This isn't a normal pregnancy". . . and "Fluid is in the uterus..."

There was nothing to see. My uterus had nothing in it but unidentifiable fluid. Could be blood, could be from my hydrosalphinx, or it could be a mixture of both.

He looked towards the fallopian tubes and said he didn't see anything there either. But either way, no baby in the uterus been ectopic. Anytime you are pregnant and nothing is found in the ute--it's ectopic.

Again.

The RE said he wanted to get a better look on the ultrasound machine, but we'd have to wait 10-15 minutes. At that point I didn't care and said, "fine."

After RE left the room, I dressed again. I don;t think I said anything. What could either of us say at this point? It's happened to us again. This time, they can't even see an embryo! How are we even going to know what went wrong? If I'm pregnant, where is it?!?

I sat in the chair and waited. DH rested his head on my lap as we cried another time for our child we will never know. Another pointless cry that won't solve anything. It doesn't make us feel any better. Pretty much no one we know is aware of what we have been doing. Students and parents where I teach will still treat me like crap everyday, without considering all the doctor appointments I have been gone for.

There will be no taking it easy this time. No Summer break to cushion the fall of this. How am I supposed to live every day like this never happened?

Finally one of the nurses comes in to get us and take us to the other u/s machine.

Again, it's the same result. I didn't even ask for a print out of the u/s.

So what now.

RE couldn't tell us what happened. We won't even learn anything from this except that I make a great human pin-cushion.

What was next? Another round of methotrexate. But this time we had to go pick it up from the pharmacy clear across town.

What happened next was such a cluster-fuck that there is no point trying to explain it. As if the day hadn't been bad enough, when we finally got to the pharmacy as OSCO, I had to call my insurance because they had stopped covering me without telling me about it last time I tried to fill an Rx. SO I called and argued with them first. They said all should be fine. Then dumb girl behind the counter tried to ring up the Rx at full price. I told her I have insurance. Same thing. I called my insurance BACK. They said the drug had never been rung up. So I told her to figure her shit out. She went to the pharmacist, a very young girl.

After waiting for at least 5-10 minutes, she said it was recalled. METHOTREXATE WAS RECALLED. I told her, " I HAVE TO HAVE THIS DRUG. This is not negotiable. And WHY was your employee ready to sell this to me at full-price 5 minutes ago if it is recalled?"

UGH.

I told her to call my RE and see if there was anything else they could give me. She went back and called my RE's office. Then, came back to us, clearly agitated. Nothing. She claimed it was recalled everywhere, even in WI.

I had to drive all the way back to the RE. Once we pulled in to the parking lot, the nurse called and said they have it filled for us at Walgreens down the street. First of all, why didn't they send us to the closer pharmacy in the first place? Secondly, CLEARLY the first pharmacist has no clue how to do her job. Only certain batches of the drug are recalled, so yes, in WI we would have been able to get it filled just as we can a few miles down the road here.

We finally got it and came BACK to the RE's again. By this time, I have no more "happy face" to put on.

I get both shots of methotrexate and then have to give blood for my BETA. They also told me the one thing I wanted to do when I got home was not an option. No drinking until the beginning of December --LOOK OUT HANUKKAH! I'm bringing you in with a bang! I also can't have sex with my husband until well into December. That will make the longest drought of our entire relationship. Sept- December. Good God. Poor DH.

So how did we spend the evening, when we finally got home after 5?

We went to the buffet at the casino and payed bingo until 2am. Yep, that's right.

*******

So what now?

I'm not exactly sure.

I will most likely have my tubes burned from the uterus during a laparoscopy in December. They will not be totally removed, just out of the picture with baby making. My ovaries will still be operational for making eggs but the chance of having a "natural conception" will completely be gone forever.

It will however fix the hydrosalphinx issue--no way to ooze into my ute and in addition, I'll never have to worry about another tubal pregnancy again.

After that, I'll have to wait at least 6-8 weeks until we can try to make babies.

That means it will be the middle to end of February before we can try our first FET with 2 of our 4 frozen embryos. (I found out one of them is even a 6AA embryo-- I'm hoping that will be our golden child :)

It's going to be a long road until Spring. We must make it through the entire holiday season and almost all Winter without even being able to try again.

For now, non-decaffeinated coffee galore! I can do all the yoga I want--twist, twist, twist! I can run and swim! I can ride my bike--inside. I can go to work without having to take very damn week off. (Do you see that I'm trying to find the bright side?) At Christmas, I can get drunk with my whole stupid, obnoxious family.

::Sigh::

But I'd prefer to have a little reason why I can't.

***********

I will be going on hiatus until more news comes about.

BETA #4 from Friday had dropped to 54 before I even got the two methotrexate shots. Tuesday, I will go in after school for another test, results Wednesday.

I'll continue to post updates and things happen or appointments are made. One of these days I will be scheduling an appointment with the RE to see WTF happened and what we should do next. My hope is to have the lap surgery on Dec 22nd and spend Christmas repairing-- DAMN! That mean I can't get drunk that day. IF SUCKS!!!!!!

Thank you to all who have followed us on our journey thus far. Although there are many times we just want to give up, it's not that time yet. We have more things to try and frozen babies waiting for us in Illinois. We are discouraged, but not broken.

Wish there was a better update.

I wish I had a better update.

Still bleeding with dark CM. . . awesome and gross. So done with that stuff.

Tomorrow is the 5 1/2 week u/s.

We will know for sure what's going on tomorrow---but nurse suspected today it COULD be another ectopic-- PLEASE BE GROWING IN MY UTE BABY!!!!

Ultrasound tomorrow at noon. 'Till then people!!!

Hmmmm . . .

Had some really bad pains on my left side this afternoon. Took a vicodin and things have slowly gotten better. . . .but it makes me nervous. This is almost the EXACT day that our ectopic was discovered in July.

When I arrived home from work today, I got to pee for the first time since 7:30am. I notice A LOT of the icky brown CM. Is that old blood? Is that blood from something else I should be concerned about?

Too many unknowns today. I CANNOT WAIT until Friday's ultrasound (u/s). Hopefully that will answer the ectopic question once and for all. Then, I can worry in general instead of specifically :)

So, how many days is that?!?!?!